easily amused

2007-08-30T11:54:00.000-04:00

I am at a point in my life where I have determined that if you can not accept me, and like me for who I am- I am done with dealing with you.

This includes my family, especially people who say one thing to your face and another behind your back.

Over the past weekend, I took a car trip with my mom to see her parents (the people who I spent about 8 years of my life living with). These people have created a monster of an Aunt (who steals money, identity and has 3 children who appear to be screwed up- one with acceptance, another with laziness, and the last has some learning challenges but is a sweet kid who continues to get into trouble)

These said people, have milked my grandparents for all their worth. Yet, my Grandma continues to sign praises of their love and perfection. All while she pays for their homes, school, cars and god knows what else. I have never directly asked for money, but about 2 years ago my grandma sent me 3K to help me buy supplies and pay bills during graduate school. Sure she has provided money for me throughout time, but I have never asked her to do so, nor have I asked her to co sign on any one of my 70K worth of student loans or car debt. I have never alluded to financial issues and always felt they have over supplied my other relatives with money- while I am over looked. Because not only am I too proud to ask for help, but feel that after a certain age and level of involvement with a significant other- financial independence is necessary for maturity. Sure my parents helped me pay off my car last year, but I didn't ask, and sure they are bringing me to Italy in 3 weeks- but that too was a gift. I was never spoiled as a child and have worked a minimum of 30 hours a week since I have been 15. They never had it to give, so I never asked.

meanwhile, I have done nothing but try to be supportive of my grandparents aging issues, hep my mother with the transitions, visit them every couple of months and call almost daily. Including things like finding their dog when it ran away (all from the comfort of my home in NY- which thankfully is very far away from those people in Ohio)

so upon arrival of the visit, every time my mom leaves the room my grandmother talks about nothing except who perfect my aunt is (all while she never offered to help find the dog, inform anyone of its missing status, or do a million other things I would consider normal for a grown kid or grandkid to help 80 year old parents with such as:mowing lawn, going to the super market, helping replace the carpet in the bedroom where my grandfather fell down and bled all over the floor) no in fact, we drove over 400 miles to assist with these tasks- and yet every chance she had she said how great those people are. And every chance she had she did nothing but say how fat I was.

And finally 20 hours into our stay, I called her a fucking bitch and walked out of the house. I just am done dealing with the drama, the manipulation and hatered she makes me feel both toward her, other family members and the self doubt she plants into my very soul. Because the people who have no choice but to accept you don't- and I just think that is a bunch of shit.

So to leave out a lot of other details of the drama- it has come to the conclusion that the woman who wanted to battle my mom and dad for custody when I was 8, has not changed, but only gotten worse. And I can't imagine ever being like her, nor spending more than 45 minutes with her during a superficial meal or exchanges of polite hellos. I no longer want her to know me, or me to know her. Because what I have finally realized is I don't have to like her, I accept her for what she is and I no longer have to involve myself with her or my Aunt.

sunburn and turtles

2007-08-16T14:29:00.000-04:00

yeah, this week was painful on so many levels. the sunburn, the stomach pain from the percocet, the headache aftermath was even worse. But after about 25 hours of sleep in less than 36 hours- I am feeling better. Still a little pukey- but much better.

I would like to think the pain in the last 100 hours was worth it swimming with sea turtles and floating in the ocean. But I am not so sure. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed every minute of the ocean thing (except my sea sickness) and being in the water is always so wonderful. But it has lead me to fear the sun like a 16 year old goth girl.

The last few days have also inspired me to do as little work as possible while at work. I can't concentrate for all that long at one stretch and I still have a small amount of confusion. I am hoping that a calm and low-key weekend will center me. That and some yoga.

I think I mostly want to do to yoga.

somethings are just hot

2007-07-24T17:56:00.000-04:00

Led Zeppelin has always been one of my favorite bands. i dont think this is actually better than Led Zeppelin- but what I do think is that Lez Zeppelin is hot. All chicks, playing covers of my favorite songs?

What's even hotter? Forgetting about them for a long time and stumbling across the fact they are playing this weekend in the city.Getting to see them this weekend is gonna make my day, or weekend rather.

insert catch phase

2007-06-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

well no AZ for us this July but we are headed to sunny, and 60* Norther Cali where we are going to hike, visit aquariums and hopefully get there within the next 12 hours. It's been a long uncertain few days about where we are going and if we can get there- Alas,I think I found a way

I'll be posting from the road- I am bringing the camera cable and most of the places I think we are staying have wi-fi.

Notice I said think, we only have hotels books for tonight when we land and tomorrow when we drive south. Who knows where we will end up or when we are getting back. We both have 8 days until we have to be back at work- and it should all be fun!

See you soon.
<3 me

bull by the horns

2007-06-12T15:24:00.000-04:00

I have finally gotten around to bringing over my old posts. Not that I have the time to be working on it today, but I at least downloaded all my LJ posts from 2001-2007.

For your viewing pleasure you can now access my entires from May 2001- January 2003.

Looking at all these posts has me thinking about who I am and what I wanted back then to what I have now.

I have taken the bull by the horns and am living life. So many of the dreams I had, I am living- thanks to all the hard work I put into everything and the amazing people around me supporting, caring and loving me.

There are a lot of entries that stood out. Yet, what stood out as a whole is how much more I wrote. Not just silly, daily posts and memes- but that I wrote heartfelt, deep, miserable topics. To be young and miserable is to be able to recognize love and happiness later. Part of me, misses the inner torment, the avoidance of self through many bottles. I do not want to go back there- but I really cherish those times and wish I spent more time living in that state during my early 20's.

damn the bakery...

2007-05-11T08:35:00.000-04:00

germs have taken my vagina hostage!

so I am in the battle between the yeast and my flora and fauna of the delecate nether regions. This is the 3rd round of treatment in 8 weeks. It just sucks.

anti-stink

2007-05-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

i wish there was something that I could spay to make the smell of people's perfume vanish. I know people wear it becasue it makes them feel good, but it fucking makes me feel like shit and bitchy.

I dont think people should be able to wear it to work. I AM HARASSED BY IT. I have a chemical allergy to make of the things in it.

some title, is better than no title

2007-05-02T12:06:00.000-04:00

so i am pausing, a breif second at work before I go back to jury duty for the next couple of weeks. yup, i was selected... no where is that book I have been meaning to read for the last few months?

On the downside of this- I will not be able to go to Ft Lauderdale for the weekend becasue I do not want to risk getting stuck there when the government actually needs me to be somewhere by 930 am on Monday morning.

But on the upside- i do not need to sit at a desk all day, everyday for a few weeks!

damn, i need to pay that traffic ticket before I forget and don't have access to the internet.

which brings up the fact that not having access to the internet all day is pretty annoying- espcially when you want to define words or kill time by looking at Hawaii! Becasue now that I am not going to El Salvador in October, on a mission trip, I need to find some other cool place to visit in the fall.

Since I cann ot talk about my daily life right now

there and back again

2007-04-27T10:07:00.000-04:00

so we went to mexico. and it was amazing. life lost much of its luster while we were gone, well not all of life. but some of it- like work and people in general. and i feel not older but more apethetic about something. maybe its the rain, maybe its just pms.

i have noticed i could care less about going out all night anymore, or drinking until i want to vomit. in fact i would like to avoid the last part of that statment and never vomit again.

things are as they seem and maybe for the first time in a while i am not as disillusioned as i have been in the past. mainly that is about work, and since work has taken over my life- it means i am pretty blahh about my job right now. but i hope it will change. i think i managed to talk to the right people about things.

i just want to be back on isla mujeres. in a hammock with a drink in my hand.

cancun here we come

2007-03-30T12:13:00.000-04:00

well since oir last chat my birthday plans have been solidified.

Me, Justin some booze in Mexico.

Sounds perfect? I am either going to do a dive trip on the morning of my birth or go to Chitzen-Itza. Either way this whole thing sounds amazing and I couldn't be happier.

I am in the process of the last few steps of the trip -booking the pick up from the airport, locating all the museums I want to see, the beaches i want to sleep on the reefs I want to swim over.

yay!

go ahead and make my day

2007-03-16T09:24:00.000-04:00

yesterday was a goood day. busy but really, really good.

to start with: I do not have to give up gluten products. I do not have some weirdo illness that would make me stop eating them

my thyroid levels are normal (although on the low side of normal) but this is the first time ANYONE in 15 years has said the words thyroid and normal in the same sentence

i have sucessfully gotten my cholestrol back to the normal range (the doc didn't say ANYTHING about it so I assume it is under control)

and to celebrate all this I had egg whites and bacon on a bagel. Damn it was good.

Well again it starting to feel like chaos is erupting. great. - _-
must finsh my regular work before i have to go to the xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

100 things...

2007-03-01T11:30:00.001-05:00

1. my right boob and thigh is slightly smaller than my left but my left foot is way smaller than my right.

2. my outside shell is no where as thick as i radiate

3. i really wanted to drive off into the forest, hit a big tree and never go back to work while i worked for that bitch- i had a shrink just to keep me sane that I met ever Wednesday at lunch for nearly 2 years

4. but I got that shrink when i was assigned to work for that asshole manager "JB" who would get pissy over clock-in time of 8:01.

5. I really love the people i work with now

6. i received legal papers for a $100 that I owed said shrink, for an appointment that I didn't know I had because they did not call to confirm. the office manager never told the dr, but I did.

7. sometimes, i think i would make an amazing parent but i worry about j not being able to handle it as i would want him to

8. i have trouble falling asleep at night in bed unless j spoons me, kisses my right shoulder and says good night

9. i need to sleep with the closet doors shut, otherwise i have bad dreams

10. when i am in a hotel alone, i have been known to check under the bed, in the closet and behind the shower curtain just to make sure no murder/ess waits for me

11. i am terrified of being out in the 'middle of no where' at night driving alone and getting killed by a serial killer

12. i hate going to the dr, because every time i do- it is determined that i have another medical issue which makes me feel like a hypochondriac.

13. i saw hard core porn for the first time at age 7

14. i started looking at the sexual gender sections of medical books when i was about 4 or 5

15. i had the periodic table memorized by age 2

16. i could read by age 3 and i read the secret garden at age 5 with my grandma - she would read a chapter and i would read one every night at bed time

17. i hated kindergarten because at the end of the year i wasn't 'talented enough' to sing or dance at graduation but i was expected to read in front of 300 or so people. i had no fear of the public scrutiny but i was disappointed because i wasn't like the other kids.

18. in first grade i made friends with mary and zach (who later was gay) and stopped talking to them because they were different and poor and I was tired of being labeled 'different' in 4th grade and i still feel awful about this.

19. i never made fun of them even after i stopped socializing with them

20. i didn't really have friends aside from them, and Erin who lived up the street until 7th grade

21. by 8th grade i developed a taste for vodka 7's

22. the summer between 8th and 9th grade- i bribed the neighbor kid Ted who i had a crush on to eat me out

23. i hated band camp, although public knowledge, marching band, band camp and those people ruined my love for music and playing the flute- something I had been doing for 7 years by 10th grade.

24. i studied flute under someone who sat 1st chair in an orchestra (although a local one)

25. i received 'most dramatic' along with a gay guy my senior year even tho I had only been in one play

26. i cried every single day after school during grade school because I was so lonely and different than the other kids

27. i started my period at Sea World

28. the summer before 6th grade, (period summer) I bought school clothes with Zebra's and another flowers and crocheted lace trip from JC Penny's kid 's section and i wore the flowered outfit to school on the first day and never felt so childish in my life. that night my mom and grandma took me to the mall to buy 'teen' clothes from 5-7-9 and makeup. but i always feel sad when i think about it because it was my true loss of any innocence.

29. i had a crush on BV for nearly 2 years and was used (first kisses usually don't include other sexual activities) and decided i hated that feeling

30. the first dominant tendency i remember showing was in 1st grade when i was tired of my friend Mat being at my house and I told me my mom that Mathew had to go home now I was done playing. And I expected him to leave.

31. i liked playing betting card games as a young kid (3 and 4) and also could play a mean game of pinochle by age 5

32. living with my grandparents and my mom made me extremely mature for a young person, a trait i still carry

33. i wanted to be an archaeologist when i was 4 and i still can not spell the word correctly

34. a dream i got a glimpse at during college and grad school with all my art history courses

35. i have wasted talents as follows (in no particular order some of which i use but not enough):
- art history
- massage/healing skills
- listening to and tolerance of people's sexual lives
- graphic design
- cooking
- painting
- the ability to relate to others
- memory

36. If i had been more intelligent in math i would have gone into forensic science or physics.
37. I would have made a really talented healer/physician
38. i still can't admit to my parents my sexual orientation
39. i feel guilty doing this at work, but continue to do this anyway
40. i wish i had more alone time at home aside from when i work from home
41. i periodically spend my day off cleaning the house like a crazy person
42. i hate cleaning because i quickly become OCD and will scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with bleach for 3 or 4 hours
43. when i am upset i have to put on chap stick
44. i counted stairs for a very long time
45. i fear i will have a joint flair up situation and don't live my life as i would like to because something might trigger it

46. i love the people i work with and many of them have become extended family

47. i do not travel as much as I would like to

48. I wish j would be more spontaneous about travel

49. i am really sick of this project i am working on, this will be the unknown count of changes after the fact of completion

50. i am afraid i will be abandoned by my partner after many years of commitment and too old to attract anyone interesting, without children, disease, or weird hangups about being single

51. i really wish i could just pay off my student loans the debt is an awful feeling of regret handing over me

52. i joke around about getting a large inheritance but the dark side of me wishes it were true because said loans can not be paid on my current salary

53. I worry that i am not always appreciated as much as i think i should be

54. i need more sex and more love making in general

55. i am being neater around the house because i know j is making effort to better himself too

56. working out is one of my favorite things to do

57. i wish i could dance all the time.

58. i wish j liked to dance because i think dancing is awesome and wonderful and i love it

59. i would love to be 114 pounds again, but just don't think it is possible

60. i have learned to love me for who i am not the weight i am at but still work hard to keep thinking i look good

61. i hope that i dont have to give up gluten products and am dreading the test next week

62. i am far more spoiled now by my parents than i was as a kid

63. i sometimes have urges to tell people what i really think about them - good or bad- and wish I didn't always follow those urges so much

64. i hope that j knows how much i love him

65. although i wish he did more house work and was more open minded/open to activity and social

66. i am trying to be realistic in all areas of my life but i dream that j is my 'one'

67. i should have went to japan when i had the chance

68. i should have spent time backpacking through Europe

69. i wish i was more carefree and could really pick up and move to France

70. i obsessively clean the house when anyone comes to visit

71. i sometimes feel lonely and alone and it sucks

72. i have mini-existential crisis when i go running which results in said alone feeling but determining that i am ok with this.

73. i love eating and cooking as much as i love sex

74. i can give great advice about sex toys

75. i have more vibes than i can count but only use 1 trusty purple one

76. i adore traveling alone

77. i even like eating fancy meals in expensive restaurants lone acting aloof and snobbish

78. i really don't like dolls or masks and they are just creepy to me

79. i still sleep with stuffed animals and talk to them in my head when i am sad - they probably know more about me than me. good think they can't talk!

80. i can fake a good mood to anyone until someone i know asks me what's wrong

81. someone made me feel that crying was for the weak and i believed him for years but think he was full of shit now

82. said person also treated me like shit and i was stupid to stay around, and care for him and his family

83. i am not bitter about said person, but realize that i would have been happier without them and should have been more honest with myself

84. i am the happiest i remember being, but i still feel other emotions, so I guess the right way to put it is I am the most emotional balanced i have ever been

85. I want to work for the people who do the bk commercials but j wont move to south florida right now, i am hoping to convince him otherwise in a few years

86. one day i will live in the carib.mexico and own my spa/b&b

87. i still cannot eat vegetables with cheese wiz or think about them and not feel sick after the eating contest with one pound of broccoli i had with my dad in 5th grade

88. my favorite comic strip when i was still small was Far Side

89. spelling is not my strength but i think i would be more successful in my career if i was just a tad bit better

90. i genuinely like the people i chose to be in my life and hope i continue to build relationships like these

91. i frequently have the circus song or the i dream of jeanie song playing on repeat in my head

92. i have odd psychic moments and dreams that happen

93. my favorite sound is when it is late at night out after a snow storm and no one is outside and i am the first person to walk in the snow

94. and i love being surrounded by the beauty of nature and i am enamoured by it.

95. i have really dark and gruesome dreams, they are less frequent now but still happen- and i tend to wake up crying or intensely afraid

96. i hardly dream that i am myself, but they are always in color and have audio sometimes even in french or japnese

97. i dreamt in color form once and it was amazing

98. i don't think i tell all the people i care about in my life how much they mean to me frequently enough

99. i wish i took more time out for myself to go things life get manicures and massages although I try to go once a month for something to make me feel physically cared for by myself

100. i watch nature while i live in the city and i know when the birds start to congrate before migation, when they return and the stuble turn from each season.

101. i am proud of who i am and what i have achieved thus far in life and hope to always feel this way even in times or trouble, sadness and disappointment

spring is the the air...for now

2007-03-01T08:34:00.000-05:00

I have noticed the last week or so (even with this shitastic weather we had and the high stress levels it has caused at work) that I am suprisingly happy. My mood is lighter, I am acting like a little kid with the long awaited summer vacation at hand. There is daylight when i wake up and even daylight when i leave work (early).

I feel like i want to go to shows, get a tatoo, and run around in flip flops and sundresses on a beach. Yes, it is that normal feeling I have when I am content and getting enough sunlight. Too bad I can't get a tatoo.

---
anyway i have updated my shuffle to circa 2002-2003 music I was listening to before I met Justin, most of the stuff I rememeber listening to driving alone, out east/boston/nj/pa/work/upstate with the windows down and the sound blaring and my voice screaming with the singer. This feeling of that part of me still in here, with a chance here and there to get out. I took my time walking home from the subway. A slight bit of happiness resinating from the mango daquri's and a fun night out with friends from work/freelance stuff. I nodded my head along the way and wanted so bad to dance in the street- but it wasn't that late and the street just was a little too busy for my general insanity. So I am pretty much thinking it might be a good night to go out, to catch a band, but we'll see it's been a long week.

my night out was flattering- I have been helping out with some design /branding work with some friends' start up consulting company. my head is a little bigger than normal- but i'll keep it in check. but the nice thing is the conversation B and I had about me. (and him) I miss having close gay male friends- something I am lacking in entirely- becasue of the level of intamcy that you can have without any wierdness.

maybe it's just been a while since I have had new people in my life to impress with my multi-faceted skillset,education, random talents, unusual interests and complete openness.

2007-02-27T15:01:00.001-05:00

Dear Blog-

It's been far too busy to hang out and write in you. Weather emergencies, which shall remain nameless, this pirate game (yes, outdated but still fun) that has taken up any spare moment of home time, going to the gym like a crazy person, and spending time with the people I love, I just haven't had time for you, blog.

I am sure you understand, although you must feel lonely since I only visit you to click on the links to other blogs I try to keep up with (specifically that good looking pastry chef with the pending opening of a restaurant)and Claire. I know you do not get many visitors- and if you do they do not leave you love notes. I love you, blog and I need you to know that.

I understand you are hurt and I am bad at keeping our relationship fresh. There I said it.

No! I don't want to leave you. And please, do not leave me. In fact, I need you more than ever to stay here- and hold my hand, because so many times I feel like I want to tell you things. I just can't reach you when I am on the subway or running on a treadmill. I know I am selfish- but I am sorry.

Sincerely-
withoutaname

YAY!!

2007-02-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

da bitch is goin' down :)

first (meaningful) paragraph of the month

2007-01-07T07:38:00.001-05:00

Jan
getting home. standing in the bedroom unpacking and repacking to have the warmest arms wrap themselves around you and lips kiss the top of your head.

Feb
I process a lot of self-reflection on that trip. Somewhere, mid america, staring down at all that black nothing, my first trans continental journey, I felt so detached from the rest of the country. Being up in the sky for long periods, alone, middle of the night, in the pitch blackness, and the surreal feeling of 20 some hours awake, probably has that effect on many people. I remember looking down, knowing land was below and seeing nothing only the occasional glimmer of electric light humanity ant sized. I do not mean to say I felt lonely. But rather alone, in this large world. A sudden feeling of melancholy, wrapped up in pure black land. Never seeing it, this mid western suburban 'hood girl, who has been in the east coast world of suburban or urban nyc nearly 12 years, can not relate, or remember the concept of space, or pure blue skies, or what clean air smells like. Even as a child, clean air, in a post steel industry town is unfamiliar to me.
..
In some aspects it is sad to be growing up. The life I have created with Justin still being carved in a piece of alabaster (not with out a rough spot here and there) but also, doing grown up things like preparing to sell my car, transferring money from 401ks to IRAs, investing in stocks, working and happily working at my career. Actually feeling like I have a career and not just a cog in the wheel. In reality I may be just a cog, but i am a damn happy cog filled with ideas and goals to keep that wheel going. Happily shopping for my kitchen table and filled with fantasies of photo shoots and dinner parties by that kitchen table. Playing dress up and modeling for the Baroness at monthly latex parties (it also occurred to me recently, that those who are not even into fetish or from NY know who she is..) an MFA and art in my soul (despite my lack of work) a great hand for cooking and baking.

Childhood NYC dreams, teenage sex filled fetish desires, adult wants and needs all neatly packed in our 2 bedroom 3rd floor walk up apartment with hardwood floors and tons of windows. A long way I have come small child being chased by a doberman after school in over a foot of snow on Valentines Day in 2nd grade.

I know I live my dream. And I am glad for everything that has happened to get me here, but I wish I would have started pushing myself forward like this so much earlier. The taste of adult Independence has been a bitter sweet chocolate, and one that in the end I really like

March
the change from winter to spring is usually a smooth and happy transition, this year is no exception. the home front is much better. the long talks and reconciliation last week followed by the week apart gave us quite a wonderful day yesterday and what feels like a million more to come

April
so i am getting ready to go to work today. out there, on the line. this is a good experience for me. me, who hides behind a desk and computer

i should be doing my mop of hair.

instead i am sitting at the desk, looking outside a beach front hotel room staring at the sunrise and the bands of color over the water.

May
so my last post was jammed packed with excitable how happy i am stuff. since my birthday, it is not like i am not still excitable and happy, but just about every circumstance of my life has changed. (work/health/getting older/j)

June
seriously it has now been over 3 months of a promised promotion and a bunch of bullshit. no back, retro-active pay on this. working for free.

as of friday i lost faith in them in general. i am going to get fucked. which is why i have started looking for a job. I just am not sure i want to leave the airline yet. i like travel for free 2 times a month.

July
the beach at the inn: talk about no one there! it was awesome. it was outside of any hotel district. The snorkeling was great. ( I finally got a mask that fit me NO LEAKS!!!) I saw so many cool fish and some kind of sting ray i think. i am not too sure, it was kinda scary so i swam away from it.

AUG
i am only lazy about posting because many of my thoughts these days i want to be possessive of.
i want them to be only mine. does this say something about how i want to never leave my brain these days. that so many words i want to say, i hold in, if only because i am selfish.

SEPT
I am co-editing an anthology of autobiographical stories about when you first discovered your interest in kink – D/s, S/m, fetish, etc. – and how it affected you.

OCT
i drink some more. i watch this girl from the corner of my eye wondering why you would be in orlando on a wednesday. and what a bizarre fluke it would be if it were you. and i am here too. and my brain is foggy with rum and the smell of cloves is in the air and i am dancing my heart out on a floor i have never set foot on. meanwhile my friend hears my version of what happened. time passes.

NOV
Aside from this book in my life, it has been forcing me back out into old past times of mine that I stopped doing since I finished grad school. I needed a break. I needed to just live for awhile. No stress, no shows, no gallery submissions, no hiding alone in a studio working any waking moment I had. But now, that seems it is all I want to do. Well aside from spending any other free second I have with J. And of course the 3 days a week I spend running at the gym.

DEC
It was hard coming back to the cold weather. My body isn't happy with the cold at all, although my hair is much straighter here than it was in Aruba, it is less manageable.

not been one for posting

2007-01-04T11:52:00.000-05:00

but i have been having a lot of post ideas.

you know rants about idiots who are trying to make themselves deaf on the subway by turning the volume ALL THE WAY UP on their mp3 player and never getting better quality earphones. So loud your 5 or 6 people down that you can make out the song they are listening to. You know investing in a pair of high quality earphones with a plug style helps block out the actual noise of the subway car and keeps your music in, allowing you to hear your music on a much lower volume while not damaging your ear drums. or making the other people on the subway listen to your shitty choice in music. they will be cheaper than the amount of cash you will blow on hearing aids in your old age. i love mine! and i get worried that i might lose them becasue i know i hate hearing your music and the subway car! (or the screaming kids)

i also have been wanting to write about how amazing my christmas was and how great it was to feel like i was a little kid again.

and about my adventure in making filling for puff pastries

or about how nice the weather is

or how much stress my cousin's move is giving me because my grandma is insane

instead, i will tell you i adore the gifts justin gave me, and love my iPod shuffle so much : ) but not as much as i love my monkey!

meme

2007-01-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

1.. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
spa trips and paid off my credit card debt

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i kept my march goals

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, many coworkers and family

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one i was close with

5. What countries did you visit?
aruba, bahams, and PR is that counts

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
more money

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
i had a lot of memerable days. both good and bad

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
my promotion

9. What was your biggest failure?
not finishing my pm certification

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
the bed frame, and the pizza cutter

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
justin during the holiday season

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
that shall remain unsaid

14. Where did most of your money go?
vacaction, the acuupuncturpist, citibank, chase and my landlords

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
aruba and christmas

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
umm...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer?
sadder, fatter and poorer. 2006 is was a lot of hard work but well worth it. Soon it will be the year of the pig and all the hard work of the year of the dog will pay off

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
paint

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
we spent it at my parents home

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
yes. i have never loved my other half so much

22. How many one-night stands?
well, there was this girl at this partu...

23. What was your favorite TV program?
house

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
umm slightly more annoyed with

25. What was the best book you read?
haunted by chuck palinuik (i know i spelled this wrong)

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Duran Duran all over again.

27. What did you want and get?

A handheld GPS device for Geocaching, Heee! So excited to go treasure hunting.

28. What did you want and not get?
a big screen tv and a nice chair for the livingroom. i got everything else i was dreaming about

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
over the hedge, i know silly, but i had a lot of fun watching it

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
27, and it was a mellow day

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
paying off my car

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
dpended on the occasion. I dressed smart!

33. What kept you sane?
travel!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
local nyc laws

36. Who did you miss?
a lot of people

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Clarissa.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
work hard, it doesn't matter if other people notice, it matters how you feel about what you are doing

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
no answer

2007 wrap up on travel

2006-12-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

Do to Claire's previous comment about traveling every month in 2007 (actually not ever month) I figured I would do a 2006 travfel wrap up...

jan- seattle and flordia (one week)
feb- florida yes again i was also there a whole week again...
march - 1 wk in flordia for work which was still awesome
april-ft lauderdale and flordia keys
may- san juan, pr
june- no where :)
july- Bahamas and Ohio
aug- flordia for a week for work
sept- vermont
oct- flordia for 2 weeks and ohio
nov - aruba
dec - aruba cont
--
so where did i want to go and not get t0 visit:
AZ, Culebra, Maine, Austin, Portland OR and CA
and I still haven't been to Mexico and that is the runover trip from 2005.

I would also like to add Nashville and Atlanta to possible 2007 cities.
---

leaving me to ask you, where did you go in 2006 and where do you hope to go in 2007?

the preliminary list of travel destinations for 2007

2006-12-13T12:37:00.000-05:00

jan- orlando (no days off plus weekend in the keys) - plus an overnighter to Ohio
feb - el salvador and/or Phoenix, AZ - (2 for el salv, 1 for AZ )
march- orlando/flight to ft lauderdale for a weekend in the keys (no days off)
april/may- iceland (2 days off yay long weekend and birthday!)
june- seattle (1 day)
july- st johns or culebra (5 days off)
aug- unknown
sept- weekend trip to.... who knows where?? (2 days)
oct - unknown
nov/dec: cancun (5 days)

lathargic and not interested in the gym today

2006-12-12T15:41:00.000-05:00

i hate this weather. if the sun isn't out i feel like ass. that means, today I feel exactly like ass and sitting on mine. I have accomplished very little at work, at crap for lunch, and don't have much ambition to go to the gym.

But I will be a trooper. I don't want to gain any weight. I like my current size and am afraid if i miss the gym and keep eating this way my current size will alter, and I wont be happy even if the sun is out.

i think if i moved to a sunnier place with warmer weather I would be happier and I would be more active.

yup- this weather just makes me pretty miserable.

a short list of things i can't stand
1. people who listen to their ipod on the subway loud enough for me to hear it across the aisle and down 5 people.
2. people who wear perfume and spread their stink to public places and to work
3. people in trendy clubs who have no identity but wear 180$ jeans
4. people who look like the wear hit with the bitch stick and never smile
5. anyone who acts condescending

aruba was amazing

2006-12-07T15:13:00.000-05:00

i will eventually transcribe my written words from our vacation but to sum it up= i loved the weather and the climate and the landscape. It was amazing.

This is Freddy the lizard. He had a love for stawberry daquri's

It was hard coming back to the cold weather. My body isn't happy with the cold at all, although my hair is much straighter here than it was in Aruba, it is less manageable.

This house is slowly getting decorated. Although I managed to get the tree up at work already!

I am exhausted, and need the weekend to get here so I can not go to work and just have fun!

YAY!!

2006-11-25T05:04:00.000-05:00

I am getting off this rock and going to a new small rock in the Carib. And I will be there today!
And I am so happy it is amazing :)

satus report: project take back my youth

2006-11-22T08:31:00.000-05:00

you have remembered the initiative that Claire and I may have spoke about in the past. At least she and I have talked about it on the phone or in emails or something. And I am pretty sure I made reference to it at some point. I figured it is time for a status report.

Yes, I am working on this. Last night I was very proud of my 5 rum and cokes I consumed, and this morning I feel excellent, so I am REALLY proud because I feel great. The trick I forgot about: drink a ton of H20 before sleepy time, and consume some sort of carb/grease combo before and after drinking. It also could be the amount of vitamins I am ingesting due to the boy's sickness and my determination not to be sick while in Aruba over the next week.

So yes, Project: take back my youth, has been a slow start- but I have been continuously making effort on the issues.

Recent Accomplishments:
1. I have gone out to brunch and spent the day shopping with the girls
2. I have managed to go out once a week for the last month, have a drink with friends
3. I am back in dance classes
4. I am the same size I was at 24 (although the goal is to get back to my size 2 of 23, I am ok with being a size 6/8- in fact I am ecstatic about it)
5. I did make it to the Halloween parade this year and dressed up
6. I have made some new friends- both in and out of the fetish world
7. I am working out 5-6 days a week
8. I got home at 3 am the other day and that was awesome!
9. Recent burlesque performance
10. Can I say Rubber Ball. It was awesome.

Upcoming deliverables
1. Aruba, Aruba, Aruba
2. dance classes
3. Spend night out dancing - now and again
4. Go to a show (hopefully Lacuna Coil and Inflames) either in NJ or Columbus
5. Baroness Holiday themed FetRet

Long Term Deliverables

1. Number 4 on list A
2. Take a trip just to get dinner in a city that isn't NY
3. Perform on a regular basis
4. Increase artistic output
5. Burning Man
6. Amsterdam
7. Europe 2007

So I have some tasks to complete at work and in my personal life before the Upcoming Deliverable "Aruba, Aruba, Aruba" is due.

See you soon.

trying out the new google based system

2006-11-18T19:23:00.001-05:00

trial

2006-11-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

much on my mind. I had an amazing weekend, well amazing Sat night. I spent the night in my new super sexy latex skirt in my new hat (that I made, which I am thinking about going into business making them) at rubber ball where a very deserving young woman won the title of miss rubber world... But mostly the best part was my new friend Misstress C and I had a fabulous time of bonding and spanking a very pretty lady- who was very eager to be spanked. ahhh.... it brings warmth to my hand and nether regions just thinking about it.

I took a chair dancing class on Sunday, and go back to belly dance class on Wednesday this week. A woman who I really wanted to study under is teaching in Chelsea now. So I emailed her, and poof, I am back in the studio on Wednesday nights from 7-8:30.

not bad :)

I wonder when I will be back to dancing more frequently. Which brings bout the idea of merging performance with belly dance burlesque and fetish... so I might start thinking about a latex belly dance costume and some darker music to perform to... ohhh sexy.....

the count down to Aruba is on. T minus 10 days and 18 hours and counting. Actually I don't even know what time our flight is, and i have to look at a possible additional night in Aruba so we are able to make it on a flight.

2006-11-07T06:38:00.000-05:00

working open this book has brought a lot of happiness, and busy work into my life. I have not even begun to really read the writing that has been submitted, but I spend quit a bit of time working on gathering work and exposing myself to other projects along the same lines. Plus, I get to lay around all day reading erotica and posting on porn like message boards about the project and call it work. Best work I have ever done.

Aside from this book in my life, it has been forcing me back out into old past times of mine that I stopped doing since I finished grad school. I needed a break. I needed to just live for awhile. No stress, no shows, no gallery submissions, no hiding alone in a studio working any waking moment I had. But now, that seems it is all I want to do. Well aside from spending any other free second I have with J. And of course the 3 days a week I spend running at the gym.

I am submitting a proposal for work at a new gallery in williamsburg. I am not sure if it is the type of work they are looking for, but it actually came through our book submission in box. And I couldn't be any more thrilled. Especially, since last night we finished organizing and fixing up my studio. Aside from the temporary air mattress in there for my cousin, it is ready for me to work in.

Let's hope something happens with this proposal. :) I am feeling doors beginning to open again, and it is wonderful.

call for writing about kink-Time is running out to submit!

2006-10-31T06:52:00.000-05:00

I am coediting an anthology of autobiographical stories about when you first discovered your interest in kink - D/s, S/m, fetish, voyeurism, etc. - and how it affected you.

Tell us about pulling that girl's hair on the playground and how you later discovered your love for doing rope bondage...or about your first cross dressing fantasy, and what it felt like to acknowledge your interest in lingerie! Stories do not have to contain erotic imagery, but if a sexual act or fantasy is part of your story, feel free to include that content.

Stories should be original works of 1,000-3,000 words, written in English, and submitted electronically to kinkanthologies@gmail.com in .doc or .rtf format (NOT .pdf) by November 15, 2006. No payment is available at this time, but accepted stories will be published in the anthology and all accepted authors will be asked for a short bio with website or contact information. Please include ALL of the following information: Name, Pseudonym/Pen name, Email address, Telephone number; story title, copyright date (if any) and word count. All information submitted is confidential and will not be publicly released without permission from the author.

We welcome stories from authors of all ages, genders and sexual orientations, all races and ethnicities and national origins. We would like this anthology to represent the scope of kink - the age at which it starts, the feeling it evokes, and the meaning it creates in one's life. As we would like this volume to be useful to academics as well as readers, please include some chronological reference about the year or era in which the narrative takes place. Stories may be previously published or unpublished.

We regret that we cannot publish poetry or any story that depicts an act which would be considered illegal in the author's state or country of residence at the time it occurred; please refrain from sending work that would be unacceptable for publication, according to the above guidelines.

Submit work to: kinkanthologies@gmail.com

on the road again

2006-10-30T07:57:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend (on a last minute decision) on a road trip with my parents to go visit my grandma and grandpa. My mom and dad were already traveling there and Friday morning at 10 am I decided I would be joining them. So I wrapped up my work, drove like a mad woman home at noon, packed a bag and met my mom at 2 at penn, and was on the roped by 330. Only after my mom and I downed some margaritas and brisket at dallas on 72nd.

my mom turns into me when she drinks. it was amazing to hear my mom say words like "cock and bearded clam" we giggled the first hour on the road then I fell asleep and my mom stopped talking, and it was my dad who tried to keep up entertained and we drove 8 long hours to ohio.

My family greeted us at the door. And the whirl wind of catching up began. It was one of the nicest trips I have ever had. The weekend was great. I bolted out the door at 8 am yesterday and hopped on a plane back to NY (this was I escaped the family dinner with my uncle and his fiance and my evil aunt- my mom and dad went to the jets game)
I was back in brooklyn ny 1 and relaxed and napping by 3. No arguments, no constructive critiquing about my weight (my whole family is under a 115 pounds- so being a size 8 is like being a monster)

See me take it all off - Wenesday, Oc t 25

2006-10-20T09:23:00.000-04:00

Red Hots Burlesque
Alumni Showcase
Wednesday Oct 25th, 10pm SHARP!
At the Den of Cin
East 3rd Street and Ave A

Come see what all the fuss is about! The students were talked about in The New York Times and The Blade. The Red Hots were voted "Sexiest Burlesque Performers" by Go NYC Magazine and some of these performers haven't been seen in a year. It's time to warm up your vocal cords because it's time to hoot and holler for graduates from the '04, '05 & '06 classes!

Including performances from:
-Mary Cyn- whose own burlyq show has been written about in the Village Voice saying, "If you like hot, fierce chicks, fire, and general debauchery along with your alcohol, this is the place for you." and who continues to wow audiences all over NYC!

-Garnet Divine (this is me) - brings you smart and sexy acts rarely ever seen. Don't miss your chance to see this red hot wonder!

-Agent N- Also known as the super spy of sexyness but can also go undercover as many different characters as her imagination cooks up! Who knows what this fetish inspired performer will bring? You'll have to come on over to find out.

and

-Dottie Lux- The professor to these three lovely ladies shows you her stuff aswell. With nearly 5 years of performing and producing under her belt. Dottie has brought chuckles, bumps and grinds to such NY venues as Fez Under Time Cafe, Coney Island Side Show, The Supper Club, Slipper Room, NoLa's One Eyed Jacks, the Derby in LA and has done the monkey with such amazing bands as Fisherman's Xylophonic Orchestra and The Brimstones.

today is buy lots of rubber day

2006-10-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

I nominate today as buy new rubber day! This morning I have ordered part of my outfit for rubber ball, and will also follow up on the custom hat at TB. I haven't heard from the shop I ordered my new polymorphe pants at, but i will swing by there after work- they should be in- it's been 2 weeks-they were supossed to get in on the 5th. I guess I could call before I leave to find out.

So, if you read this, and you buy latex, today is guilt free, break your bank and buy more latex day!

i hate tech support

2006-10-13T08:37:00.000-04:00

holy god. some people should not operate heavy machinery. that includes any machine that has Windows, Mac OS and certainly not Linux.

I just don't see why or how someone who has worked as an Instructional Designer and doesn't know
A. How to navigate in windows
1. Minimize vs. Close a program
2. That you can have more than 1 windows browser window open at a time (same with web browser windows-could you imagine if they had Mozilla)
B. How to unzip/extract files from a zip file
C. (which is a late add) When a document is trying to call up a file that it can't locate the file name is in the box, You know what it is looking for- it is listed right there it tells you it wants file named: xxxx.tif

I don't want to be insulting, but I just can not imagine having worked in a training department for the last 10 years - how you could miss those topics. I know..I know.. not everyone grew up with a computer. In fact the person I just helped didn't even grow up with color television. But I don't know how someone who is a consultant can get hired without having basic computer knowledge. I know if you are doing ID work really you need to know how to write a course not how to operate a computer. But navigating windows isn't the rocket science people seem to think it is.

which brings me to the fact I am doing a course rewrite on basic computer training for customer service new hires. You know, logging in, using web access, using the intranet, getting them into the online training they will be inundated with starting their 2nd day.

Which also bring me to the fact that when I walk out of work - work stays behind these doors, I haven't even mentioned to j about all these projects I am working on, probably because I really like the projects so I am not ranting about some idiotic issue. I think the other half of it as I was on the road for 2 weeks, on top of having strep (no sore throat but my tonsils looked really disgusting) and my mouth got all sore it was gross. I felt fine, but I was sick. So being home the last few days taking some antibiotics I am feeling better. it's funny that sometimes you don't even know you were feeling bad. I only felt exhausted and I blamed all of that on the fact I was sleeping in a hotel.

I have been doing some fun shopping in-between flying. I am waiting for my new polymorphe pants to come in, and I am also pricing getting a hat made in latex or buying this beautiful dress from delicia. Rubber ball is less than a month away- so I have to make the decision in the next few days. I adore the dress, but I will probably get more use out of the hat and the top i picked out.

decisions....

2006-10-10T16:16:00.000-04:00

i was out in orlando last week at some goth/industrial night with a friend. there is this girl with wings on in the corner. oddly from a distance I glance over, her frame similar to yours. and it passes through my head to wonder how you are and if you are ok. on some level, it occurs to me out of disappointment i never explained to you what i was feeling and why i let so much time and space pass between us. I continue drinking, laughing in a small booth with my friend. Its been an awfully long day at work, and even longer 24 hours of being on the road and i know it is going to be an even longer day tomorrow. teaching a group of people at 9 am is sounding awful and being out just lets me feel young. i haven't been out in months, here and there a fetish event. but i haven't set foot on a dance floor in ages.

sometime after 11, i lost track to time. sometime after 11, I lost track of drinks, and of songs. I do know I am telling my friend mike about you. But it isn't prompted by just a girl in wings. Its prompted by a birthday announcement to the girl in wings who happens to be named raven.

i drink some more. i watch this girl from the corner of my eye wondering why you would be in orlando on a wednesday. and what a bizarre fluke it would be if it were you. and i am here too. and my brain is foggy with rum and the smell of cloves is in the air and i am dancing my heart out on a floor i have never set foot on. meanwhile my friend hears my version of what happened. time passes.

i think i called justin. i don't know if it was while i was at the club, or before i passed out in a hotel or if it was at lunch the next day. i don't know. the drinks come as quickly as i empty them, and i can't drink like i used to. in fact i know this night is something i can't do like i used to. the dj spins, and its nice to be in a place where i am not worried about who i am with, or keeping up an appearances- it's nice to be out. i look around the room filled with hottopic clothing and get a little snooty knowing my corset is custom fit and ordered from SanFran. There's still an element of me. The bitchy aloof girl with expensive taste dressed to the hilt on a Wednesday a 3 hour flight from the fetish scene she is used to. Somewhere between pissing and drinking and dancing again mike nudges me to talk to the girl I think is you. the girl i spent the last 3 hours obessing about, which relly isn't the girl but it is you. at this point it is nearing 2, and i am feeling little pain and and I approach her. The conversation roughly establishes. A. She is not a girl i used to know B. Her birthday is the 3rd not the 7th C. She has never been to NY. D. She spells her name RAYVEN. All of which i knew but on some level i am happy to established this. i am happy to have said happy birthdayto rayven who wasn't born with that name, whose birthday is on the 3rd and has never left orlando. i stumble away, her friends staring at me, my friend drives me back to my hotel, my friend who is my student the next morning in all of 7 hours .

that conversation, drinking and the night made me contemplate writing you. i don't know you anymore. i don't know how you will respond this letter, or if you will respond at all. i don't think we need to rehash what happened or discuss it. i think if we were to do that it should have been done ages ago. so happy birthday and for what is is, i am proud of you going back to school.

call for writing about kink

2006-09-25T06:24:00.000-04:00

I am co-editing an anthology of autobiographical stories about when you first discovered your interest in kink – D/s, S/m, fetish, etc. – and how it affected you.

Tell us about pulling that girl’s hair on the playground and how you later discovered your love for doing rope bondage, or about your first cross dressing fantasy, and what it felt like to acknowledge your interest in lingerie. Stories do not have to contain erotic imagery, but if a sexual act or fantasy is part of your story, feel free to include that content.

Stories should be original works of 1,000-3,000 words, written in English, and submitted electronically to kinkanthologies@gmail.com in .doc or .rtf format (NOT .pdf) by November 15, 2006. No payment is available at this time, but accepted stories will be published in the anthology and all accepted authors will be asked for a short bio with website or contact information. Please include ALL of the following information: Name, Pseudonym/Pen name, Email address, Telephone number; story title, copyright date (if any) and word count. All information submitted is confidential and will not be publicly released without permission from the author.

We welcome stories from authors of all ages, genders and sexual orientations, all races and ethnicities and national origins. We would like this anthology to represent the scope of kink – the age at which it starts, the feeling it evokes, and the meaning it creates in one’s life. As we would like this volume to be useful to academics as well as readers, please include some chronological reference about the year or era in which the narrative takes place. Stories may be previously published or unpublished.

We regret that we cannot publish poetry or any story that depicts an act which would be considered illegal in the author’s state or country of residence at the time it occurred; please refrain from sending work that would be unacceptable for publication, according to the above guidelines.

You can follow along at http://kinkanthologies.blogspot.com/ or http://www.myspace.com/kinkanthologies

my own bubble

2006-09-19T04:50:00.000-04:00

I live and exist in this small little bubble which is usually comprised of me going to work, coming home from work, cooking dinner, obsessively watching TNG on G4 and snuggling with my snuggle for life partner J. Once a week I drive to LI to see my folks. Some days I venture out, I get a drink, I go shopping, I get dinner with friends. I go to a bar once or twice a month, my pallet pleased more by endive with roasted beats and maytag blue than the cheap beer is used to enjoy.

I guess what I am saying is I am getting old. I still wear my docs, my baggy shorts my hair in 2 buns at the back of my head. But somewhere between Bushwick and Williamsburg I aged. I can't tell you the last show I saw or when (I think it was Killswitch Engage in 2004) I can't tell you the last time I chugged a beer in my jeans and band tshirt and pushed some asshole kid who decides the pit belongs by the bar. I can't remember the last girl I made out with. Ok, well I can, but it was clothed in fetish not jeans and raw youth at some bar which is closing or not hosting shows anymore.

J always said he moved home to NY because that is where home is to him. When i was 10 (5th grade?) my dad was living on W54th- and I made my first of many trips to NYC. I went home to ohio at the time with the firm decision I would live here and go to nyu. so I live here, and I have taken 1 class at NYU. But none the less I spent my highschool years hanging out at shows and my college years in galleries and my graduate school days living in brooklyn. This too, is my home. I didn't need to move all over the world to know that. I knew it when I had that slice of pizza on the street so many years ago. But the reasons why I felt this is home are leaving. And most of the reasons why J called this home are long gone, or are saying good bye.

I've watched stores I shopped at since I was 15 close, or move to their trendier new location, and the news that the continental will no longer host live shows was far sadder than the closing of CB's. If anything it has been heavily on my mind and reading someone I know's blog about this, at 4 am caused me to feel this need to reminisce, drink a shitty beer and get into a pit.

now my life is eating cookies drinking water and getting into a department "pit" which is some ridiculous thing to call a meeting around my place of work. i have gotten old, and sometimes my youth is nagging me to go out, drink and be an asshole. and i think today is the day to do it.

not sure who i know off the box who reads this anymore

2006-09-10T05:37:00.000-04:00

but i am going to be somewhat uncensored me for a moment.

i am quite excited. after careful searching and many, many emails and even fewer dates I have a female attendant for what I hope to be awhile. I find the term slave not quite what I have in mind, so for now I will refer to her as attendant until, I have a better word.

She is a small girl, who is eager to learn and to please from the conversations we have had. Somewhat new, mostly leans toward the lesbian side of bisexual.

Our first training session is this evening. Well actually it is an all day event. Ahh the wonders of force feminizing a girl who is mostly a tom boy. this had brought me great delight. the small planning, making sure details are ready. Thinking of small points of humiliation, the finer things I have been holding my breath to do for ages. I have carefully chosen a tight black skirt and a lace up top is red chinese brocade. Items, I have not worn in years that still look new, in fact does wearing them once even count as unnew? I will be wearing my red mandarin latex dress. The black mandarin collar velvet dress I was originally planning for her seems to have gotten lost in the last move. My closets are cleaner, and I have one last place to look. But I feel the top I found should fit, may be even a bit lose, which might be fun to cause additional frustration. I think it should fit a measured 34b-36b type of chest, I am hoping it fits. I have decided on a red ribbon which will have a typical frog closure you see on many of the mandarin collared dressed, and with the two, she will be properly although softly attached to me.

I have a total of 3 activities which should build nicely into a lesson. I have only chosen my punishment as verbal this evening. But lasting as I can build usage of it in further public scenes.

Yes, it is hard to admit, but I am a bit nervous and excited. I drempt I got to the party and i got dressed in the bathroom only to realize i forgot all the items including my attendant. And had to sneak back into my mothers house fully clothed in latex (with my jeans and sweatshirt barely covering me) and remove all toys at 1 am.

If this works the ability to mold her into what I see fit for now. The feeling of the quiver of fear beneath my hand as I pet a head or an arm and getting to watch it vanish. The established trust. The ability to develop a longer lasting tie, to groom her for where ever she may go next. My top attitude has emerged in the last 48 hours outside of my head. And I clap in delight when speaking about tonight to J. I have been making statements not questions or pleases. I spent the day yesterday making sure he is at his level of happiness. Making sure he is content, loved and cared for on the levels I have built over the past few years.

fall trips

2006-08-30T08:46:00.000-04:00

for years now (well 2 of them) I have been wanting to go away for a long weekend to the middle of no where, some small town, upstate or even above upstate. For the record, to me upstate is Westchester. The Bronx are the division, Yankee stadium holds back the forigeners. Remember, this is coming from the person who turned down a hiking group trip to "upstate" becasue there is uncontrolled nature. No one here, lets me live that down.

The other big portion of this is J, is coming with me. We were invited by a friend of mine, (the one who I am writing a book with). On some level, in some porn somehwere, it sounds like a guy fanatasy weekend. All attendees (f I have this right, aside from 2 straight men-there might also be a gay guy coming too but I am unsure)) are lesbian or bi woman. One straight guy is going solo as a friend of one of the woman, and J. And J's younger days, his sexuality could be considered questionable. A, my friend, and I thought this was an amazing span of sexuality. It is a beautiful thing to be able to have almost everyone (except a straight woman, go figure) presnet

Our plans are as follows: horseback riding, hiking, cooking and a happenin' game of pictionary. I am assuming J will sit that one out. I can not wait to see stars, and listen to birds, and put my feet in the cold streams and go running in the morning alone.

In reality, it is going to be amazing to just get out of the city for a few days, slow down a bit, and spend some time in uncontrolled nature. Yes, you heard me say it, me in the wild. I hope I see some Moose!

2006-08-28T09:04:00.000-04:00

i am quite excited about this week. tomorrow is my first working session about our book. I am looking forward to it. As a quick breakdown, it will be a compiled set of short non-fiction stories.

Once our topic and collection requirements are established, I will be putting out a request for work.

I am so excited to be developing and working on a project that I am going shopping tonight for a new folder to keep all the documents. Yes, this is just proof of my geek level. I get excited about office supplies and doing project management outside of my daily job.

--
I have no idea how my interview went on Friday. I enjoyed it. It was like a conversation I could imagine having at a bar over drinks and it was fun to talk about theory and art interface design and eductaion.
--

lazy

2006-08-23T18:19:00.000-04:00

i am only lazy about posting because many of my thoughts these days i want to be possessive of.
i want them to be only mine. does this say something about how i want to never leave my brain these days. that so many words i want to say, i hold in, if only because i am selfish.

- the amazing sex j and i have been having this week. it has been so wonderful i am tempted every morning to call sick into work and lay around a fuck all day.

- the interview i have on friday and the idea of leaving a job i like for one that i know i will make more money doing but get less time off and work harder. which would probably bring me more satisfaction. but it is hard leaving when you know you like what you do and the people you work with.

- the upcoming pending date with this really pretty submissive girl- which if we get a long, i have already devised a plan for the first play session i want to have.. ahh forced feminization of a girl. how wonderful this shall be.

- the loss of a friendship that i am not quite sure how i lost. and this feeling of just well fuck off in return. which when ever you do lose a friend, you often wonder what caused this to happen, and you start to question your judgement on individuals you chose to have in your life. I do make a lot of augends easy, but i do not make close friends often. so when someone just stops talking to you, and you have no clarification why (and can't even think of a time you did anything to offend them) it is a bit confusing.

- the idea of leaving new york city and running away to some place in the middle of nowhere. If only they needed project managers in the middle of nowhere. i guess i have this desire to be selfish and be away from society and hide in nature somewhere and not have to talk to anyone.

- the book a friend of mine and me are planning on writing .we have our first working session on tuesday next week (book details to be disclosed at a later date but it is dealing with the subject matter of domination and submission)

---
so if i do get this job i am interviewing for, i have to cram a few trips out of town in during the next few weeks- like cali with my friend w, a trip to see my family, and maybe one last tropical island get-a-way and of course seattle and maine. maybe i will give notice and take 2 weeks vacation and spend it traveling the country. which actually sounds nice.

the idea of leaving a job about 4 months earlier than i anticipated causes some internal dilemma about the pre planned vacation to aruba (which is already paid for) and the fact we wanted to do 2 weeks off straight next september to drive to burning man. things do happen for a reason- so hopefully this will work out to my advantage. i am mostly worried about not having enough vacation days. hopefully we can negotiate on that.

--
i am waiting for a friend to get here, so my injured self can walk to meet at the corner and she and i can have a long over due dinner, and a drink. I haven't a clue what we are going to eat- there are a lot of choices around here. mostly i want a salad. a large salad and LOTS of veggies.
but if i keep smelling steak i am going to want it.

i wonder if this internalization of feelings and possessive thought process is due to the fact i have been dissconnected from my social groups for the last 2 months? i am sure it has something to do with it. the last week or so i have tried to spend time with people i miss, and start connecting again with my surroundings.

this weeks update

2006-07-28T13:39:00.000-04:00

i have spent the last 6 hours at work. in this time period i have worked for a total of 35 minutes
most of the day has been spent doing the following:
1- looking into PhD Programs specifically in Art history and considering it
2- eating. I have eaten twice. both as non social activities, and solo at my desk
3- talking to the group uninterrupted by work or management for about an hour
4- looking up positions as an adjunct professor (what? I can just hear my fans saying, you teach...well i need money, i have my mfa, and i have been working as a professional designer for 8 years- so why not)
5- doing the match: are department has had 42% turn over since December, or 42% turn over since I joined. I wonder if I smell...
6- chatting on im.. you know since the boss came into work we had to continue talking somehow
7- working on my cv so i can apply for said job as an adjunct and start working on the 2 applications.
8- devising a rough plan on my phd program and how i might do it
---------

yes, it has been productive. I am going to leave at 3, call it a day and go shopping for a flogger. A soft deerskin flogger, i think in black and purple. and look at latex. not buy latex, just look and see what came in.

Then i am going to go home and have more wonderful sex with j. since we fantastic sex for 2 hours before work this morning. and i can not stop thinking about continuing it.

------

next week is submit, and i am brining my friend w. not as a date, but as an introduction to the LBT BDSM scene. I hope she has fun. I am dragging her shopping for the said flogger after work.
---
the week after I am in orlando for 6 days. yay beach! I will drag my co-workers out to the beach one night for sure, and i also have a baby shower to go to while i am there.
--
and then i come home and my cousin and her 2 friends are coming to NYC to party, so there will be much to do!

dogs

2006-07-16T07:56:00.000-04:00

this weekend aside from visiting with my 70 something grandparents and spending quality time with them. I have also spent a fair amount of time with 2 very opinionated boston terriers.

they have the following comments:
"Why are you currently not petting me"(Dog 1)
"PET ME PET ME PET ME PET ME" (Dog 2)
......
"Now now now NOW NOW ME PET, MUST KISS YOU!!!!!!!" (Dog 2)

"Give me a cookie, I did something, I am cute and I didn't run away, you are happy you must now feed me a cookie"(Dog 1)
"COOKIE!!!!!!" (Dog 2 concentrates as she sits there patiently waiting, never demanding anything that magically comes from the cupboard- she just sits and looks cute meanwhile all you see in her eyes is ...i love you i must kiss you soon please give me a cookie!)

..
"OHH PLAY, BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL BALL, RUN, RUN, RUN" (Dog 2)
"Take the ball from that simple minded dog right out of her mouth and run really fast, like all those times I ran away from this place fast...." (Dog1)
......

"sleepy time, sleepy time, sleepy time" (Dog 2 looks at you and her little dog body with barely enough energy as she walks herself to her bed before going to sleep, this walk also usually means the COOKIE from earlier is still not eaten and she will take it with her to sleep and bury it in her bed linens"
yawn...one eye brow raise "move me if you want me to sleep somewhere besides the couch cushion you want to sit on"(dog 1)
...
As you can tell dog 1, and dog 2 have very different personalities.
dog 1, although older, wiser, and a bit pickier, is not as bitchy as I make her out to be. But she is more opinionated about things, she never barks r growls out of this bitciness, and she adores little dog 2. Daily little dog 2, cleans dog 1's head and face. Dog 1, loves people and waggs her little bottom when they visit but with just less energy as Dog 2. Dog 1 is 2 years older. Dog 1 loves to go outside, dog 2 loves to be snuggled on the couch and never go outside. Both dogs love to eat people food, canned dog food, only chicken flavor, dog 2 will eat chruchy, dog one, will only eat them by taking a mouthful to where you sit in the house and spit them out, laydown next to you and eat them like popcorn. I would easily have either dog full time in my life. even as a girl who prefers big dogs. Aside from the constant grunting of little dog 2, and the odd lay on floor and drag myself by my front paws habit of dog 1, i adore them and they have so much to say. Some little dogs just do not seem as talkative.
for instance this morning conversation is as follows:
(i wake up, it is 7:30, obviously the dogs do not wake up until 9)
dog 1: (sleeping at my feet on the couch) "oh you are serious about this waking up thing..hmm.. give me 10 min, soon i will be awake, and full of energy to run around but YOU moved me at 2 am from the middle of the couch, and i need sometime to decide if i can ignore that (pause) that belly rub sure feels good....ok i am awake..."
you walk to the laundry room, open the half shut door and say "ohh dog 2, time to get up sleepy head"
dog 2:(really tired, squints, still asleep faithfully pushes open her own cage door) Ok, i am up, i love you lets snuggle. (follows you to anywhere you decide it is time to go)
dog 1: (now awake and sitting by the door)
you: outside!!!
only dog 1 responds, in fact you don't even think dog 2 has a bladder.

dog 1: prances back to the glass door when finished with outside activities, comes inside and dances and acts super cute.
dog 2: laying on couch sleeping again.

you: (like the trained monkey you are, go get dog 1 a cookie) "COOKIES!!!"

dog 1: "COOKIE COOKIE COOKIES COOKIE"
dog 2 (still sleeping on couch)

you break a cookie in half.
you give dog 1 a 1/2 cookie at the cabinet, dog 2 you bring the other half of cookie to

dog 1:)REALLY ANNOYED, STARING AT YOU LIKE YOU KILLED SOMETHIG, makes a gruf sound. bites the half cookie in front of her and drops it, not eating one crumb. "you did not give me a full size cookie, you will now go get me a full size cookie or i will stare at you and continue to do this dance step infront of this pitiful excuse of a cookie"
dog 2(has half cookie tucked under her chin content as can be"

you: go back to the cabinet to retrieve a full size cookie for each. otherwise the backfire of gas of upsetting dog 1 could be deadly. And she knows where you sleep.

vacation.

2006-07-09T08:14:00.000-04:00

well, after the most unrelaxing trip i have had in a long time. (for the record i have had business trips far more relaxing than the past 6 days in the bahamas)
let me preface this post with:

I have never disliked any culture before. I have never disliked an entire group of people. I am a polite traveler, we tip extremely heavy, and we are both patient with most things. I give people the benefit of the doubt so much it screws me over and i usually never say anything aside to justin. if you are reading this you probably already know this about me.

so for me to feel this way, it was a horrible experience- I had been to the bahams 7 times before this past trip and always loved it.
I will never go back now.

we planned our vacation, something we save up money for all year, something we hasn't done in over a year together, we get limited time off a year J gets 10 days off, if we had known any of what happened would happen, we would have planned to spend our money else where.

pluses:
hotel: the hotel we spent most of the week was awesome. it was an inn called orange hill inn. it was great. it was clean. the private beach front cottage was amazing, especially for 140 a night. the on site restaurant was ok.

the day trip: sailing in the Caribbean was great. even with 24 other people on the boat. the crew was so much fun. and the rum punch was great. We did not snorkel the reef out there (my fear of masks actually stems from leaky snorkeling experiences- at least my fear of wearing them) but Rose island (small 3 miles long about 100 feet wide) was so nice. we layed on the beach and swam.

the beach at the inn: talk about no one there! it was awesome. it was outside of any hotel district. The snorkeling was great. ( I finally got a mask that fit me NO LEAKS!!!) I saw so many cool fish and some kind of sting ray i think. i am not too sure, it was kinda scary so i swam away from it.

relaxing and laying around with justin was great.

everything was fine except when ever we left the hotel area
- bus 10A is not the bus going back to the hotel from downtown. it was like taking a ghetto fabulous ride through the shacks and ghettos of the bahamas. actually it wasn't like that, it was that. the bus looked like it had been on pimp my ride, and the drove about 50 miles an hour on roads so narrow with the bus door open. the kid driving the bus was just annoying by saying "well aren't you smart" after i stated "i know we got on the wrong bus" the lady in the first row of the bus was nice. she helped us out and gave the kid a dirty look and he drove us to meet up with a 10 (not 10A) bus.

- nassau and paradise island have become the disney of the Caribbean. the last time i was there was about 5 years ago. The Atlantis hadn't put up all the other buildings, there weren't a million people there. there was actually beach space on paradise island that wasn't overtaken. it wasn't on this height of over population. now it is disgusting

- the first night (we flew in early) so we got a run of the mill cheap motel place. check in time wasn't until 4 pm, but we didn't know that. we even request an early check in and we not accommodated. the people who worked there were rude. and dirt. it was ten million times worse than the subway on an 8 am commute when no one in the car has had their coffee.

- most food establishments- it would be 25 minutes the waitress would pass you a million times she would never even stop at the table to give you a menu or anything. this happened nearly ever where we went aside from places that were 35 bucks a plate.

- any time we encountered native people outside of the 2nd hotel, or in some fancy restaurant, they were so rude and anti-american that it was sickening. so i am making it my mission to tell people not to go to the country of the bahams. most people, are all assholes. the few we met that were not were transplants from other islands or ex-pats or former eurpoeans.

- the airport. the TSA agent left me in tears (even with my work badge) my bags were ripped apart at the slowest rate possible (yes btw, it is slow in the islands, it is slow and hot, and i accept this. I have been to PR a bunch, the people not only are they rude they are rude and slow and if for one minute you make notion for the cunt bitches to actually function at the rate of something tolerable and not talk to their friend/coworker while they move at the rate of a sloth they move even slower) are even ruder and give you nasty looks. FUCKING CUNT BITCH SECURITY WOMAN. I have no problem getting my stuff searched, but do it at a rate that will not cause me to miss my plane, and do it with some neatness. She was digging the super neatly packed bag (the neurotically- zuni can testify i have some really neurotic tendencies) that wouldn't close when at all when she was done packing it. She then stuffed everything back inside, attempted to zip is at yelled at me when i asked to organize the stuff and zip it myself, which then caused her to decide to re-search my bag.
This resulting in tears since i knew if that bag went through baggage like that the bag would break because it was so poorly stuffed and zipped. FUCKING RUDE CUNT.

THE BAHAMAS SUCKS DO NOT GO THERE UNLESS YOU GO TO AN OUT ISLAND or do not plan on leaving your resort or going through 5 security checkpoints at the hotel i think if you take a cruise in on a day trip you would enjoy it. the airport was the worst i had ever been at (I spend a lot of time in airports...) it took over an hour to get through after we checked in- and it was not busy when we were there. we walked through 3 seperate machines in 3 different areas. and the people who worked there yelled at everyone. I couldnt wait to get on the plane. Thank god the inflight person was able to move us around so we could sit next to one another. the flight home was awesome. and neither one of us could wait to land.

We are concerned about our next planned trip around thanksgiving to aruba and already started reading about it.
I travel to a lot of places with out J and with friends from work - so it makes me sad if he and i do not have the bestest time possible together when we go away since i know we will not go away together for awhile.

as a plus, i still have 62 hours of time off to use with a rate of earning at 16 hours a month :)
a long weekend vising my family in ohio
a long weekend to Cali to go to a spa with my friend winter
a visit to Jenny in Seattle
and aruba to look forward to
and a trip to cancun to start planning for next summer

2006-06-26T08:59:00.000-04:00

ok, so who left.
my bosses boss
and my bossess, bosses, boss

so all middle management/upper middle management quit in the last 3 weeks

so, do stay, see what pans out. which was not an option until last week.

or do i plow forward with this plan to leave.
speaking of which my recruiter is calling in 5 minutes. lets she what happens with that.

seriously it has now been over 3 months of a promised promotion and a bunch of bullshit. no back, retro-active pay on this. working for free.

as of friday i lost faith in them in general. i am going to get fucked. which is why i have started looking for a job. I just am not sure i want to leave the airline yet. i like travel for free 2 times a month.

ohh the excitement

2006-06-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

how can work be so exciting.
first they do department reorg. I get a new boss.
then they decide i have a new position, and a different new boss
Then my first boss quits.
Then some coworkers quit.
Today we get an email that states: Team meeting 3 pm. last minute.
(I still haven't gotten the promised promotion it has been 2 months)

so we sound like a bunch of old nellies talking about who may have quit or gotten fired or been promoted out of our department.
it has to be management higher up other wise there wouldn't be a meeting.

and yesterday, my bosses, bosses, boss repeated to me a bunch of time "we do not want you to leave"

hmm... i will post after i find out.

tired.

2006-06-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

i am awfully tired. it is as if my entire weekend, lack of sleep, excessive drinking and fetish party attending has now caught up for me. My arms and hands feel heavy, and the caffeine i just drank has not kicked in. Typing is excessive effort.

working, is out of the question. i keep trying to, but my brain is mush and my eyes burn

maybe it is because the people above me fuck loudly everynight.
I have no problem with people having a healthy sex life.
but for christ sake, PLEASE pad your bed frame

So around 12:30, after an hour of them fucking. (this is after 2 hours of her walking around in high heeled shoes on wood floor) I took my trusty swiffer, and started pounding loudly on the ceiling of our bedroom.

it immediately stopped. no fucking. not a sound. you could hear the startled response of silence above us.

justin thinks we should build a robot to combat it. So when it is silent up there, our robot beats on our ceiling.
he also thinks we should buy a pair of slippers and leave them at their door. I think we should also leave a note "we know you LOVE shoes, but try slippers instead, we will love them!"

We both have this passive aggressive behavior of turning on the cold or hot water every time one of them showers (daily, sometimes twice a day we do this)
I usually alternate, toilet flush, cold water, flush again, hot water. It is a bit of fun. What is most amusing, is J does the same thing, but we didn't know the other one was doing it until recently.

---
I had never finished this post- its about 2 weeks later- i just do not have time to write in this thing. someone tell my boss to stop giving me so much work so i can also blog during the day.

vacation

2006-05-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

so my weekend away with my friend was amazing. the hotel was stellar. i am completely relaxed. but i made some baseline requirements for the vacation after the next one (July's vacation is already booked to the bahamas)

- must be legal to sun bathe toppless
- must need a passport
- must be closer to the equator
- must be reasonably priced
- must be for j and i
- i must not get picapica (divers call it sea lice- it is bites from larvae jellyfish or algae and only happens to people who are allergic* and is the itchiest thing EVER)
- must be super fun

so where can i get all of these things you ask?**

ARUBA!
and i booked the hotel for Nov 25-Dec 1 :)
just need to buy tix

*me
** existnce if picapica TBD

ahh the sweet smell of friday

2006-05-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

especially before a long weekend which will be spent on a beach, in the sun (hopefully) i am all packed, ready to leave. but not quite prepared to get up at 2:30 this morning. might as well not sleep....

today we are having a pot luck at work- so with joint effort we have managed to create some latin /south american flavors. i smell like garlic. it is in my skin. i could smell worse, but after a night of chopping garlic it is so hard to get the scents off of you.

i have been aiming to go to the baroness this week. i need to get my black top and hot pants fitted to be a bit better. yumm latex. I know i am getting to the point where i am slowing down on my fetish infused life. partially do to the fact that my partner's level of interest is not the same as mine. although i enjoy the indulgence, i would rather enjoy indulgences with him not alone. i feel it more and more when i attend parties alone and i as much as i love prancing around i would rather be at home with him or doing anything else as long as he were with me (and it involved an equal opportunity for sexual fun)

see. nothing exciting to report. sorry, person in elizabeth nj who seems to read me reguallry.

there is nothing like..

2006-05-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

a night spent worshiping the porcelain gods when you didn't even drink.

aside from my head pounding and my eyes being blood shot i am a bit better. meaning i having puked in nearly 12 hours. which is an improvement.

this weekend, i will be traveling for fun with my friend. This is the first time in my life i am vacationing with friends. per justin, i almost always traveled alone unless with family. and since J i have always traveled with him or alone to see family.

this weekend i will accomplish:
- sleeping on the beach
- snorkeling
- going to the spa
- getting sun burnt
- relaxing
- de-stressing my brain

tonight i need to accomplish:
- making rice and beans
- making salsa
- packing
- planting some seedlings in dirt
- not being sick

wow, i ate all thw advil in the cabinet at work

2006-05-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

so my last post was jammed packed with excitable how happy i am stuff. since my birthday, it is not like i am not still excitable and happy, but just about every circumstance of my life has changed.

it began on april 18, when returning from work after my vacation i had a big bright orange envelope on my car. if you live in the NYC boroughs you know this means you owe somebody some money for a parking blunder. this time, the blunder was the a 2 looks like a 5 but backwards, and conciously for the last 3 months i had been driving around with an expired inspection sticker becasue i SWORE it was due in May, just like the registration.

The nice cop, notified me that I was wrong. And becasue of him, I got a new inspection and a 65 notification fee.

The following day, I get to work, and i knew this was happening, but the TEAM meeting of department reorg happened. not something i was looking forward to and something that had been causing some internal anxiety over was put into place. i still hope i don't get screwed. as an update, I have ANOTHER new manager and my position is being moved again. This is a record 3 managers, 1 job, 9 months! YAH!

The next day, or it could have been that evening I do not remember, i went to Target. It must have been the next day. Anyway, i had dinner with my friend, my former boss 2 bosses ago, for my birthday. My tooth had been hurting for awhile,* and it was kinda intense. So in the line at Target (said with a french accent) I stuck my finger in my mouth becasue really I am 6. And low and behold i pushed a bit on the tooth that was hurting and THE CAP FELL OFF! it was awful and it hurt. and i had no dentist and i have no money to pay for this.

the reason why it hurt: as i looked at the cap (which the dentist now has, or by now the garbage dump) and i had worn through most of the porcelin, and in some areas, yeas, i had made holes in the metal. I don't know what I am doing but that explains the pain the last few months.

So the next day, I find a dentist get my car inspeted and start getting a new cap made for my tooth. The dentist drilled a bit, and put in a temp and set me on my way. Assuring me that it would not need a root canal but it might actually need one if the pain doesn't ago away **
The pain lasted and was awful until i went back. He proceeded to remove the cap with out me being novicaned to see where i was having pain percisely and i yelped. yes, it freaking hurt.

so we begin a root canal (the pain isn't as bad as it was but i finish up the canal on thursday! no pain but no money! full price should be about 2 grand...)

---
so on top of all this i decide to get mad at justin for everything possible. confess my deepest fears and discuss breaking up if things do not change. it isn't that i am not happy or i am not in love with him. it was obvious we both have been board. So we talked*** and have come to the conclusion that we both need to put more energy into things if it is going to work. So far, we have. And it has been working, and it is feeling better. And we booked a vaction for July and talked about renuing the lease in October.

Part of our frustation has been the lack of things to look forward to. The other, is routine he feels we have. So there are plans for activites
---
i never finishing this post but i am sticking up anyway

* a few months
** note: pain so bad i was eating 4 advil about every 4 hours until i went back
*** for many hours over the span if a few days

as time passes

2006-04-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

the day of my birth is less than 24 hours away. this probably requires a prolific post about where i have been in my life, what my goals are, where i am currently. doesn't this all require some amazing revelation of my purpose.

alright so the past: so yes, i have been a lot of places. i do not need to get hammered and spend the night looking at old photos, or reminiscing with people from my past.

when my mom was this age. I was 10. which means she was already working as an RN for 8 years, she was working at an eye doctors office, starting what turned into a really great career. I was in 5th grade i think. so i was in girlscouts, this may have been the year my mom tried to superglue my badges to my sash. she still can't sew. she was a really good mom.

when my dad was this age, he was recording an album, i think, maybe he was 28 when that happened..either way he was out on tour or living the high life in NYC, shopping at some of the same stores i shop at, dressing in all leather with big hair and spending days at photoshoots or sleeping and nights recording tracks or playing.

when my grandma was this age, she had been married 6 years (i think) and had 2 children, already lost one or 2 from miscarriages, probably was living in baltimore and trying to adopt a child

when my grandpa was this age, i think he got a great career job at for a big company, and wore one of those white nuclear testing suits at work. go electrical engineer, physics major! had 2 kids and dealing with the emotional stress of a wife who was losing babies.

when justin was this age, i met him. other than that he was having a career life crisis, quit his job and had a lot of fun and living in nj.

so, at this age what am i doing? starting a solid career,(it seems like 27 and 28 are all about your career choices) although the 6 years of experience before me has given me a solid foundation, i now feel like i have a future doing something i enjoy. starting my project management certification and getting my adobe photoshop certification. considering next year to start teaching a night class on the university level and thinking about writing a book this year.

On the fun side of things, prancing around in latex when i get the chance and helping out/modeling for tb on this friend of an employee plan. which isn't bad. i adore it and have a great time doing so.

i have no kids, not planning on it yet either, i am not married. (well neither were my parents i think they got married at 28 and 29) i do live in amazing place with a boyfriend who i love and adore very much 8 minutes from union square on a very quiet old school block in williamsburg, bk. i am 63K in debt due to grad school. still owe 12k on my car. trying to figure out how to pay it off. i think this years tax return is going to go toward it.

So in the last year what changes have i made- what have i accomplished.
- finished my thesis and my mfa
- searched and found a really fun job where i get to do all the things i love and get paid to do them (PM, design print, TRAVEL, attend classes, help people make better manuals, talk alot to understand people's issues, help them solve problems and teach)
- found an amazing apartment and moved
- fell in love with latex clothing
- made some really amazing friends
- traveled for fun all over the place

isn't that enough for less than 365 days? i think so.

i wonder what this year will bring.

mixed thought process

2006-04-12T11:43:00.000-04:00

so it is my favorite day of the month and it is also my least favorite day of the month.

today is cramps and headache from hell (least favorite- it means I feel not so good, and I also do not get to have really wonderful sex before i leave for work)

but tonight, i get to go to acupuncture. i <3 acupuncture. i always feel so wonderful after it. It helps my back pain- which i am pretty sure is casued by the crappy seat I sit here at the office along with poor muscle tone in my abdominal muscles. My body never really had the core strength it did previous to surgery.

which brings me to think i need to work out more than I am. Right now I am doing about 2 hours on Friday Sat and Sunday. And 30 min of yoga or cardio 2-3 times during the week. The scale has stayed the same but my body has gotten thinner and tighter. my flabby thighs have gotten toned and less fatty. This is good. This is even prooved by that today (period start bloat day) i put on this super cute polkadot dress I got last summer and was a little tight and never fot quite right, fits perfectly now.

i hate the scale, i am 6 pounds hjeavier than I was last april, but my clothes fit me losser and i feel better. can you say: i built some new muscle.

but i think i want to go back to belly dance 1 or 2 times a week- i really miss dancing. i need to look into this.
...
so this whole weight loss thing is for me this time around. I know there are some end goals that i would like to look amazing at (wedding at gotham hall, trip in may to pr, all the time i spend in fl on the beach, my class reunion next year)but really this whole mission is for me, to feel not just good (which i feel now) but to feel amazing!!!! help my back bei n less pain, have better enurance, feel energetic, and tone up again.

...
on a side note - i have a new addiction to Yahoo's Launchcast, thanks to a friend at work. it is amazing. its like having an amazing MP3 collection with out the hassle for building the thing. you just need to check it out.

....
so what do i want for my birthday? you can always just go to the baroness shop on thursdays and ask "the girl" what i need- she will have a list of suggestions.
.....

so yeah, i had nothing interesting to say

sunrise

2006-04-06T06:43:00.000-04:00

so i am getting ready to go to work today. out there, on the line. this is a good experience for me. me, who hides behind a desk and computer

i should be doing my mop of hair.

instead i am sitting at the desk, looking outside a beach front hotel room staring at the sunrise and the bands of color over the water.

what a beautiful morning.

a new look

2006-03-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

so it was time, the pink was killing me, the title needed a change, and so i did what i wanted to do and used a different, cleaner looking template

i am back at my desk, and i realized i just don't blog as much as i used to. back when i had my own office, and i spent a lot of time editing video and waiting for things to render out, i spent time blogging. looking at craigslist, planning time away.

now, there are days i go with out reading email even at home.

is it that i am any busier?
no, i am about the same on busy level. the work i do now i feel has more clout and impact than the work i did before. i spend for more time in meetings, far more time doing work away from my desk.

maybe that is the change. i do not sit still as much as i used to.
i also do not feel the need to bitch about work at my new place. i like the work. i like the people. i like taking the train. i like not taking classes every night. i like having my thesis finished.

maybe that is the change, I am simply happier with the status of my day to day life, including not living in a house hold with insane landlords, or leaky ceilings, or no heat. content with my relationship even if it has its stressful times. pleased with my choice of lifestyle. amounts ot work related travel and weekends away.

financially, i am broke. i just do not care. i pay all my bills, i am trying to figure a way to keep my car and still save some money and start paying off my student loans. i buy latex once in awhile. i stopped buying clothes for work. i go out now and again. i have dinners at home and pack my lunch. but i wouldn't change my late 20's living 3 minutes from 1st Ave and 14th in williamsburg, and paying a lot of money in rent. i pay for the things i love. the fun of nyc, and the nice old school street i live on. although i should refrain from 2 times a month at acupuncture, but it makes me feel so good!

i guess one of these days i will figure it all out; as for now..
the sun is shining, i had salmon for lunch and a half smile on my face.

spring is here

2006-03-26T06:58:00.000-05:00

the change from winter to spring is usually a smooth and happy transition, this year is no exception. the home front is much better. the long talks and reconciliation last week followed by the week apart gave us quite a wonderful day yesterday and what feels like a million more to come

work is still like a freight train but I am getting used to it, and finding a lot of enjoyment in the process. i spent the week in orlando team teaching and had the time of my life doing so! I do not know if I would want to teach everyday, but I did enjoy a break from my normal tasks. but tomorrow is back to work in ny, but not the normal routine just the commute. hopefully all the things that have been talked about will come to pass in the next few weeks.

the only part of spring i do not like is the sniffles. as all the plants come out to say hello with their spring flowers, my sinuses start to make a lot of snot and pain for me to deal with.

with all the work travel in the next few weeks, i really feel like j and i need to escape, just us, and no work attached, so i think i am going to go think about that and see what we can do about flying to france for a week

2006-03-25T19:06:00.000-05:00

"thats a fuck load of monkeys"
"whats a fuck load of monkeys- is it like a gaggle of geese?"
"its bigger than a butt-load of monkeys"

this is just a glimpse at the conversations justin and i have while at home

usually, they are more intelligent. yet, not as funny

the current stuff comming out of justins mouth

"when do we switch to metric time?"
shana-huh? blank look on face
"well i have spent a lot of time lately dealing with conversions of metric to imperial time"
(shanas thoughts ealier on imperial measurements: is that like the army? ohh IMPERIAL like roalty...ohh you mean US meaurements! duh! )
"well you see metric is in units of 10 and imperial is in units of 12. So wouldnt that mean time is an impreal system when can we switch to (some mathematical blabber here)...."

i was just going to type that i was excited to go see "nice jewish girls gone bad" this evening and that if we dont leave the house it is because there are monkies on the tv.

yummm i get dojo tonight for dinner!

2006-03-07T02:11:00.000-05:00

to say i miss a lot of what was is an understatement
to say i am sad, and alone is something i do not want to admit to

my eyes pinch from crying.

for you not to remember the one thing i remember so clearly makes me angry and feeling ignorant in believing something for so long, i thought you meant. but didnt. i thought was important, but isnt. that i have based dreams and safety on but was false.

again, caught blind sided from my own stupidity.

not much to say

2006-03-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

but i had a recent complaint that i never update. i mean seriously, once every few weeks with some new travel information isn't enough for you.

Oh? you mean to tell me you actually enjoy reading about what smutty antic I am up to this week?

Aside from my last week in florida, it surrounded by a period and food poisoning on one end and a yeast infection on the other, and now it feels like a cold is coming on.

Aren't I just a barrel of monkeys

Work is good, but busy as usual. Trying to keep one step ahead of the piles of paper on my desk and trying to keep out from under the amount of tasks I take on.

tonight, J and I are going to look at a table in Park slope. It doesnt come with chairs, but i figure we can buy some red chairs next month. Or maybe my mom will buy em for us!

However, it will be nice to finally have a real table in the kitchen and a computer desk in the 2nd bedroom. which will mean, I can finally finish unpacking both rooms.

ughh there goes my email again, i feel like a maid with a really demanding child who has a bell.

see you in a few days, with some exciting fun on this weekends ailments, and the trampling party pics.

2006-02-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

some days i feel like my current station in life doesnt bring me anything. specifically work.

one day I will have a good job which i like and i will be doing something worth while instead of making copies.

but if these people want to pay me this much money to make copies and grade tests its their problem- not mine

hehe

2006-02-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

i have my phone on "car mode" so I changed justin's name. So everytime he calls it now says

Call from Blow Me

long over due

2006-02-17T09:06:00.000-05:00

i have not posted, not out of lack of thoughts or starts of entries, but just not having sufficient time to sit down and write an update. As usual, the pace of life is much too quick to sit down and relish in your recent events. It is really only at the days end, en route to work or home, or on a plane I get a moment to ponder my own mental well being.

I have not updated since before my trip to Seattle to visit Jenny. My trip, a much needed escape from the constant to and fro (or hustle and bustle) was jammed packed full of a slower pace, caffeine driven 3 days of shopping, eating, spa visits and girl time. I enjoyed seeing Jenny and Grendel. And spent a lot of time watching a friend, suddenly seem so grown up at peace with herself, in her new/reestablished environment.

It seems as if she is now gone. Our furry of communication, dying as I landed in New York that Monday morning. I worry that my friend is so distant, that I said or did something. But I try to remember she is busy with a new life and a new love, in a home she is pleased with. I wish her to know that I am happy for her and that I will always be here for her, to talk.

I process a lot of self-reflection on that trip. Somewhere, mid america, staring down at all that black nothing, my first trans continental journey, I felt so detached from the rest of the country. Being up in the sky for long periods, alone, middle of the night, in the pitch blackness, and the surreal feeling of 20 some hours awake, probably has that effect on many people. I remember looking down, knowing land was below and seeing nothing only the occasional glimmer of electric light humanity ant sized. I do not mean to say I felt lonely. But rather alone, in this large world. A sudden feeling of melancholy, wrapped up in pure black land. Never seeing it, this mid western suburban 'hood girl, who has been in the east coast world of suburban or urban nyc nearly 12 years, can not relate, or remember the concept of space, or pure blue skies, or what clean air smells like. Even as a child, clean air, in a post steel industry town is unfamiliar to me.

Stepping off the plane into the cool drizzly night, I was not sure I enjoyed the empty smell of nothing. The sudden change of environment, lavished in a few hours or spa bliss, I started to feel more adult and my decisions of not buying the shoe of the life time.

A moment of reality passed over me after a down payment on my 6 month layaway plan, that it was irresponsible and silly fantasy that wanted me to spend 500 that I do no have on boots. So alas, a few tears, and some encouragement from my friend, I was able to walk away. Not with out a good few minutes of feeling like shoes, are wonderfully full of mind masturbation orgasm filled sex. I guess not for everyone, but for me, these boots were.

The time I have been home has been filled with other activities of my grown up decisions and life. Realizing, that I am still me, although a more responsible version of me, and I don't mind that situation, has come to pass.

In some aspects it is sad to be growing up. The life I have created with Justin still being carved in a piece of alabaster (not with out a rough spot here and there) but also, doing grown up things like preparing to sell my car, transferring money from 401ks to IRAs, investing in stocks, working and happily working at my career. Actually feeling like I have a career and not just a cog in the wheel. In reality I may be just a cog, but i am a damn happy cog filled with ideas and goals to keep that wheel going. Happily shopping for my kitchen table and filled with fantasies of photo shoots and dinner parties by that kitchen table. Playing dress up and modeling for the Baroness at monthly latex parties (it also occurred to me recently, that those who are not even into fetish or from NY know who she is..) an MFA and art in my soul (despite my lack of work) a great hand for cooking and baking.

Childhood NYC dreams, teenage sex filled fetish desires, adult wants and needs all neatly packed in our 2 bedroom 3rd floor walk up apartment with hardwood floors and tons of windows. A long way I have come small child being chased by a doberman after school in over a foot of snow on Valentines Day in 2nd grade.

I know I live my dream. And I am glad for everything that has happened to get me here, but I wish I would have started pushing myself forward like this so much earlier. The taste of adult Independence has been a bitter sweet chocolate, and one that in the end I really like

2006-02-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

if it isnt one thing- it is another

my sickness now includes a runny nose pounding headache (still) a slightly productive cough and this red rash across my face and my upper body.

I dont know about you, and I dont have my MD but I do think it sounds like strep.
And you know what that means folks- everytime I get strep my joints swell up. So off to the dr with me.

the only think that throws me for a loop with this one is that I have no sore throat and my glands are not really swollen

And to make matters worse- I now have my period and cramps.

I asked my boss today if it is possible to get my desk moved or to sit somewhere else since I have sat here I have had 4 lung infections, and 3 stomach bugs that i remember- since May. Which comes out to be- once a month I am puking shitting or coughing like a 90 year smoker who has been smoking 110 years. And sometimes, like this time, I have all 3 plus my period.

I eat but nothing sits too well the last 2 or 3 days and I almost had an accent on the L comming home yesterday from being a bad girl and going to lunch and shopping.

But I did score some of the items I needed for my get up for the perfromance I am working on. So I just need some jewelry an old school looking cookebook and some old school nudie mags ;) And I need to do some adjustments to the undergarments to make them Garnet-esque

I need a nap

nothing like...

2006-01-23T17:03:00.000-05:00

getting home. standing in the bedroom unpacking and repacking to have the warmest arms wrap themselves around you and lips kiss the top of your head.

taxing my brain

2006-01-21T09:16:00.000-05:00

its been a hell of a week. knee deep in a project and it birthed a new one. I will be away most of feb. between conferences, the new project and a personal trip to seattle. I don't want to go anywhere on the days justin and i are taking off, i want to stay home and lay around and snuggle. because when it is march I will be away again for 2 full weeks all on work plus a weekend. maybe this time J will take a day off and meet me in flordia so we can lay on a beach!

it is really exiting all the opportunity and development of my brain. pushing myself to limits I didn't think I would find out in the real world of work outside of higher ed. the excitement of having 6 weeks to develop a course, all the materials needed, have review sessions, trial runs, and be in the classroom for the first time in front of a group of students, teaching them something you adore.

this past week a small group of us sat locked in a room for 5 days dealing with the massive amounts of printed materials used in our entire training department. we found all the major problems, decided on standards to implement, and training needs to get our curriculum designers up to speed. the next 6 weeks will be insane. You have to add to the fact I will also be developing another small program with a colleague to implement instructor usage of the testing and tracking program for online courses and also transitioning training to do support of our online learning applications to additional individuals for assistance.

this all days place around 5 days of personal business in seattle, and 5 days in savannah at a conference, 4 days of training for myself in New York, and a 4 day weekend for justin and I.

my brain is terrified and excited all at the same time.

a little under the weather

2006-01-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

the plauge at work is passing around like wild fire. and last night i was so full of aches I couldnt fall asleep and I was in a super hot bath at midnight, just so i could relax the muscles. I am sure walking in the rain yesterday didnt help.

We are trying to figure out what to do for my birthday weekend. As I am going to try and book a trip to San juan for work, I was given free range on vacation planning as always, and I found a little bed and breakfast stle hotel on a small island in the harbor off christianson in st croix. It's in budget and there is one room left. not sure if i want to book it. but it is on a beach (its on a 7 acre island) with a 2 min ride to the town for food and drink. and the rooms have a small kitchenette, which gives me access to be able to make our picnic lunches! YUM! and have an innroom blender for drinks!!

must figure out the trip. basically it is set to look like: April 14-18.

but my head hurts too much to keep typing. and we have so many tings to get done today (like clean and pick up the lundry and pack) ughh.
I hope he is feeling less sick. and i feel less sick in a bit

deciding on goals

2006-01-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

i am not one for new year, new start, second change kind of mentality. but I am one that decides on some goals and starts on them full speed ahead.

and the goal of this year is
To take better care of myself.

- eat a little better- T's only it things that have a mother and a father rule may be a good place to start followed by her recognizable rule.
- take all my pills every day, all of them. I have been awful the last few months not taking everything everyday- which has resulted in a few pounds gained and a feeling of general crankiness.
- acupuncture 1-2 times a month
- more frequent trips for hair cuts
- a visit to a spa quarterly.
- manicures and pedicures again
- exercise, 3-4 times a week
- better skin care at home
- monthly usage of free trips on airplanes

choices, choices, choices..

2006-01-03T20:29:00.000-05:00

j and i are planning our feb vacation, 5/6 days to somewhere. but i dont know where yet..

so here are our choices:

St Marteen
St Kitts
St Thomas
St Vincent
back to Vieques
or Culabra

what do you think?

it feels..

2005-12-29T08:22:00.000-05:00

i often do not have time to write the words down that surface in my head throughout the day. when i have moments of unclouded thought, or seconds of something i wish i could say at that moment. grounded feelings of fleeting poetic words i never say. i am alone, on a train, feet planted firmly on the moving ground speeding ahead many miles per hour. i think of how better to express moments, or life times of emotion, and thought. i sometimes imagine myself painting feelings that have no words, paintings I have only started in my mind.

as are the words of that which follows.
small flickering flames, our souls alone. crowded against each other, yet the light in the tunnel remains as dark as if i stood there, alone. the shadows on the wall dance as the current of air flows through the room. millions upon millions of shadows. the movement of the dance performed in forests, caves, parlor rooms, orchards, streets, brothels, and homes; eons of endless flames glowing in the darkness.looking for a flame that matches it in intensity to intertwine and glow brighter, warmer, and stronger.

I will tell you what happens when 2 flames unite. the dance of the shadows diminish, the darkness is not as cold or alone as it once was. and all you prey and hope for is that warm flame of unity stays with you, never moving too far away to always protect, nurture, love and unconditionally as you do the same.

twas the morning 1 night before the night before christmas

2005-12-23T06:51:00.000-05:00

and we have mass transit again!

the strike affected me in two ways .
1. it made justin cranky and extra tired when he got home after a 3 mile each way walk over the cold bridge
2. it made me cranky because traffic was a nightmare. and getting out of our 'hood was long and slow in the mornings with all the bridge traffic.

and I am scheduled to receive the following package today (at work, and I am working from home, so i either have to wait until wed to pick it up- or run in tomorrow on the way to my family)

I get sidetracked so quickly when i start looking at latex. I forgot I was even posting in here.

aside from the strike, it has been a pretty quiet week. I have been busy with buying christmas gifts, and working. There have been tons of little things I have been trying to get done, things that always seem to slip by my fingers. or things that someone was going to wrap up doing and never did. so this week and next week are about closure of small tasks, including our apartment. Monday I took off to try to finish unpacking and cleaning the house. We have 2 boxes left, a desk to assemble, and 2 glass cabinets to put together. I just dont know where to actually put them.
But i would like 1 to be put together so I am able to move my dishes from the high cabinet into something I can reach easier. I am sure at some point this weekend we will work on it.

i started acupuncture treatments for my back pain a few days ago. I am so glad it helps and takes some of the pain away. It is temporary relief hopefully it will start getting longer as i continue going.

in jan or feb i am considering joining the training group at work for marathons. I know I am not the most athletic person, but i think i may enjoy the group aspect of it along with helping me get into a workout schedule. i may even go join the gym again next week. i wonder if they are running a special. hmm

anyway, i need to go wrap a few gifts while i have the living room to myself. I promise one of these days I will post pictures of our new place!

I

at home rituals

2005-12-13T06:20:00.000-05:00

every morning before i actually do anything
1. I shop for latex on ebay. i make sure no auctions are ending during the day that i want. I make sure I know every new peice listed.

2. I shop on ebay for a table. A specific 1950's 4 chair, table rectangle with a leaf which would open to between 48 and 52 inches. I want white Formica, chrome sides and 4 chairs. I want the chairs in red and white cracked ice. I would also take a red Formica topped table or a table with the Formica shapes cut into it, such as apples or flowers. pink wasnt common on the tables. Red, yellow white and green. In that order you see the tables listed. The past 2 weeks the lead has been yellow.
And I just dont want a yellow table in my kitchen.

So since my internet addiction began, there has always been things I MUST do before the day begins. The de-evolution has been:

1950's chrome table, blogs, latex clothing/parties, apartment, cancun job, fetish parties, apartments, veiques, purto rico, vacation spots, suicide girls, burlesque, jobs, woman to sleep with, myspace, apartments, blogs, looking for new friends, woman to sleep with, apartments, vacations, justin (blog/letters/misc info), belly dance, boys to sleep with, music, boys to sleep with, anime, kimono to buy, japanese culture, lesbianism/bisexuality, MUDS/online role play, anime, chat, role play

justin refers to it as my shopping/gathering mode. I think of it as hunting. I dont really need to buy or own these things as much as I like to look for them. If i find them, I buy and stop what I am looking for, unless of course it becomes a collecting situation like latex and kimono.

its fixin' to be a big storm on thursday into friday. which is discouraging since a good friend will be traveling from seattle back to ny for our office holiday party. (our job is so welcoming it even has employees back to celebrate!) I will be busy tonight and tomorrow working on baking for the event. And then friday night I have some shopping to get done if the MTA is not on strike.

I WANT THESE

day 3 of being an elf

2005-12-06T18:14:00.000-05:00

So my elfness started on Friday evening, as I mentioned I attend a cocktail party at the baroness on friday. This party sucked me into a saturday afternoon of making christmas tree stocks (like stockades which bad people go to be punished!) in the basement of a latex clothing design studio. sunday, i spent much of the day getting ready to go be the cutest and meanest elf ever!

sunday evening i took the bus over to the east village (yes, i took a bus, all by myself!) and met the other elves and the bondage reindeerette to get dressed and ready to go revolt against santa! it was fun being apart of an event rather than an attendee. Although it caused me some stress. I am not used to having tasks and responsibilities and others relying on me during non-work hours.

the reindeerette kept us elves in order decorating and setting up the bar before the baroness got there and put us to work! being an elf is hard and i made sure the reindeer and the mrs claus look alike knew how mad i was about bein' over worked and not enough pay! and then i was a bad elf and dropped mistress dante's paddle and was punished by having to punish santa! haha!!

I will link to more pictures after they are uploaded to the baroness' site

you can see the full outfit of me on the right. anyway, within 3 hours after the evening ended i was in a cab in the way to orlando to be an elf at a volunteer holiday party for some kids in a shelter. which was just as fun and even more rewarding in a whole different way! then by 6 pm i was on a plane back to NY to beat the snow (btw, where is that snow??!!) and at 11 pm finally after 2 nights, asleep in our bed and snuggled next to j so warmly. it was perfect. so day 3 of being and elf, will be tonight, when we put our pretty star covered tree and decorate the house! YAY!!

sleeping in a winter wonder land

2005-12-04T06:41:00.000-05:00

the other day i realized, for as long as I can remember we always get a really bad winter storm around the 5th of December. I only know this becasue I HATE driving in the snow, so i always cut class and stayed home, or called in sick to work, or even blown off holiday parties. And it is usually the 5th, sometimes the 4th. I did not think anything of it in the last day or so. Until, I woke up this morning, in this early dawn and the white roofs and trees were in my vision.

I always love waking up early to see the sidewalks and streets with out many tracks in it. In brooklyn on a sunday 6 am it is still tracked through, but it doesnt matter.

the snow makes everything look to peaceful and still. and in my heart and mind it is like moment of purity

I can not wait to get up and go out for breakfast and walk in the snow. If it were up to me, I would get out of my pjs now and go for a walk and enjoy the silence. i would rather walk alone, at night in the snow, or hand in hand with j with out talking. just the sound of our feet in the pure innocence of the freshly fallen layer of snow.

post 1.

2005-12-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

why another blog?

So I can stop using a combination of live journal and suicide girls to write about my actual life. I write about my G rated life for my family somewhere, and I write in 2 different journals about my PG 13-R rated daily life and I even have something out there in the world of electronic pulses an X rated blog. That's 4 blogs. This one makes it 5. But I am trying to leave LJ after 5 years (wow) I will be bringing over slowly all the posts from there to here that actually say something decent. And I am somewhat tired of paying 4.95 a month for pictures of girls who are not so attractive to stay in touch with a handful of people. Those people will just have to start reading me else where. And that is here.

So the word procuratio and its meaning.
Latin for proxy.

defining proxy as: the agency, function, or office of a deputy who acts as a substitute for another

I often i have the assignment of "by proxy" daily i sign off on things behalf of others for print jobs, and oddly last night my friend, almost an ex of a sort, made a joke. That I am "owner by proxy" meaning, when her owner is not there, I have to make sure his wishes are followed. IE: curfews, money being spent correctly, drinking level. It was a joke, but in someways, it is real. She, a submissive girl by nature is my friend. And if her boyfriend, affectionately known as owner, has a rule she needs to follow I often remind her of those rules. Not in a sexual way but in a make sure she is mindful of her position (those not in this world reading this-sorry for the explanation) So in the cold walk to a cocktail party at a latex shop she mentioned curfew and I laughed and somehow "owner by poxy" was mentioned, and after an odd night, and a good night of sleep, I realized, that I am by proxy many things.

and in some ways, this too is my life in text, meaning my life by proxy of words.

This journal will be far more interesting than my G rated journal some of you read. It will include some daily activities, and thoughts but also a bit more of me. A non-censored thought and activity log. A, if you will, place where I can let my hair down. A place where you may enjoy coming because it is truly my daily self. And, that is why we are friends, and that is why you talk with me. ---i woke up yesterday, went to work. Hammered through a lesson plan, packed up my messenger bag full of stuff that needs to travel with me to florida, and began my night. My black patent leather corset came in, so off to my favorite shop we went. I enjoy going there a lot. As I have become a regular there since I began my trips to that spot in Chelsea almost 2 years ago. My friend , J, met me there, and I tried on the custom made piece, and she somehow laced my bloated self into the thick material and I was please with my new clothing item!We ended up just hanging out in the store comparing dating, life and sex woes and hurrahs for about 2 hours. As we were running late, we packed up my bag with my beautiful new corset and left! and the next thing i new i was in a latex elf costume, drinking a cocktail, committing to the insanity of making cardboard Christmas tree stockades and attending the baroness fetish retinue on Sunday as an elf, with none other than my friend,(mentioned above) the bondage reindeer. A weekend full of fun!----I ordered some pants off ebay. i have had a lot of issues regarding these pants. In the body of the paypal message it said SHIP TO and listed my work address. And she shipped to the place in automatic shipping (which sucks bad because I no longer live there, actually i haven't lived there in a year and a half) and the place is awful. The pants will never be delivered. they will be dropped off in the lobby of the loft building and stolen. I emailed her this morning to say hi, you needed to ship to the place listed in the body of the emailDo people not read messages anymore. I also did not have that place listed as default so I am not sure how it got selected. I am kinda annoyed at my self, and really annoyed at paypal. Since pay pal charged me 2 times for the pants and I had to wait for a refund.At this rate I will never see these pants. And I paid 100 bucks for nothing Is the refunded paypal message actually listed the right address. The one that listed the wrong address was the one she didn't refund. So what looks like happened was Paypal submitted the payment before I had completed filling out the form but I had never gotten a message saying Payment sent or anything when I was doing this. but USPS might save the day!I went online and did a change of address form from the old place to our new place for my name and the old address starting today!maybe i am smarter than the average bear

things i am thankful for

2005-11-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

in the spirit of this time of year here are the things I am thankful for since last Thanksgiving1. i have not smoked in a year2. i had a sucessfull surgery and fully recovered3. justin's support of me and us still being head over heals in love4. that i got out of a lawsuit- dumb doctors office5. i did an amazing job with my art and finished up my thesis6. we went to veiques7. i no longer work at toilet labs and my bitch of an ex manager is no longer in my life8. I can take the subway to work9. work pays for my mthly subway pass10. for the good friends I have shared times with11. for finially moving into a differnt and bigger apartment12. for yasmin13. for having off 11 weeks of work in the past year 14. for my family15. for the refund on our trip to cancun16. our new matress17. our new big couch18. my arrary of sexy clothing 19. my stainless steel g vibe, my purple clit massager, and my handblown glass G spot toy20. for having the coolest boss and co workers ever21. being able to fly for free22. finding a drink that I am not allergic to23. goat cheese and dried canberry salads24. having a studio to work in at home25. being able to postpone my student loan payments for a year26. getting to take a class at nyu that work is paying for27. Ginger root tablets!

11 years of friendship

2005-11-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

we're stealing wireless connection in our new apartment until the cable guy comes this sat. justin will have to actually take care of the cable guy since i am planning on seeing my family this weekend, and also one of my closest friends Anthony who is home for a few days visiting family in ny. i want to be selfish and have him stationed closer to ny, but i know it would not be good for his career. but it would be fun since i would be able to drive and see him every couple of weekends.

anthony and i have been friends since i moved to li with my family in highschool. which means i was 15. we were, and are, complete opposites. none the less, he is one of the more honest and real people i have met in my life. and he makes me laugh and we get to be total geeks together. we talk about sci-fi, and comics (sometimes) and movies, and he laughs and listens to my most recent adventures as I do his. We also talk about adult things, like the shit deal of apartment renting, the problems we have with work and of course the adult responsibilities of being someones kid still. he is one of those guys who you call a gentleman and would bring home to mom. my mom adores him, but how could you not? plus, she has known him for 11 years now, which means, she is used to he and i sitting in the living room talking about what ever it is we talk about. and after 11 years of us hanging out, he's like family to me. plus i get to act like i am 15 again when we hang out. we always over eat taco bell, and go to the mall. but since we've gotten old we usually hit a bar also...

the buzz about moving

2005-10-31T21:03:00.000-05:00

our apartment looks odd all empty in most areas with large piles of boxes and furniture stacked up in others. I think we have 2 truck loads, which is more than I wanted to have, but we did throw out 21 bags of stuff, plus, shit we gave away on the street.

Tonight, i am placing a bag with vibes I dont like or that are old and broken on the curb. I even. threw away the first vibrator i purchased at age 15. maybe i was 16.. i think i was 16 I had my clit pierced already. I hadnt used it in years, probably 4 or 5 as since I have bought many new, more fantastic items. Still I never broke it, with its slick bright blue plastic. thin 6.5" of fun.. ahhh good bye to you old friend how many fun times we had.

I managed to fit everything into a carry on size caption's rolling bag. Lubes and porn anime in the front compartments, beautiful vibes, strap-ons, and bondage things tucked safely inside. all pretty and waiting to move to your new home.

The boy seems more tired and irritable than normal. But he has been extremely helpful with packing and helping keep me motivated.

apartment rants

2005-10-31T09:29:00.000-05:00

a series of combined rants on apartment

MONDAY OCTOBER 24 2005 4:40 AM
i was given an order which was: you can not rant while we are on vacationwell i am posting a journal entry to avoid verbal ranting about our almost former landlords. who managed to keep all their belongings a mess unltil they started showing our apartment. They had put things in front of of all out windows so we couldnt see out. they had left a box with a sink in it for 9 months (along with all their crap piled waist high- i cant tell you how many times shit fell on me) in the common grounds of the foyer. they slept in the backyard all summer and listened to us have sex from the laundry room and now to show the apartment they cleaned everything- all the messes they made. everything looks nice. so my theory on them not liking us and wanting us to leave is accurate in my mind. it actually hurts me on some weird level that individuals considered my life to be below the lives of others. fuck you. i hope the next people screw you out of rent and dont fix things themselves. and oh, they are charging 200/more per month then what we are paying. so dont move here, if your looking in williamsburg dont move to this place. they will hate you too. and be messy too one day.

SATURDAY OCTOBER 08 2005 4:14 PM
we found a new apartment!!!!!! its GIGANTIC!!! its 2 blocks from where we live now hahah right by the pizza place!!its a 2 bedroom with a big living room and kictheni am so happy!

SATURDAY AUGUST 06 2005 5:56 PM5. count them, 5. that is why people do 15 loads of laundry a day. 1. tshirt2. undershirt3. napkin4. man's underwear5. tshirtwe're in the middle of a heat wave, and people do 5 articles of clothing at a time. Fucks sake, go to a therapist and get help, washing 5 things, 80 times a day is overkill. so i removed their items from the washer. stuck them in dryer. Removed semi dry items from dryer, folded placed on top of giant pile of washed clothes. put my belongings in dryer. when dry will place 5 wet items back in dryer to finish will write note. out of control.

THURSDAY AUGUST 04 2005 12:36 PM
is it possible that people can do as much laundry as the people who live in the house we live in?I have been home since basically Friday night. All weekend, like every other weekend, we have not been able to get one load of laundry in. Yesterday, I started doing laundry as soon as someone emptied the dryer. It must have been 11 am. I had 2 loads of colors, one load of whites. I did not do sheets this week. 3 loads. Apparently, this was 3 too many since every 30 minutes someone came down and banged around in the laundry room. Finally I finished all of our laundry. Since yesterday at 4 pm, I have heard the spin cycle 5 times. They are insane. how can 2 people who do not work, have the ability to make that many dirty clothes. There are 6 people living in this house. 2 per floor. We are LUCKY if we get one load in a week. most of the time, we know we are lucky, so we cram everything possible into it. Usually, this one load annoys them as if we run out for an hour and leave the clothes in the dryer we come home and all our clothes are folded. I can not believe i am bitching about laundry

one thins most of you people know about me if they actually know me is that I am a very private person about certian things.

Yes, i strip on stage for fun

Yes, I like being on stage
Yes, I can speak in public
Yes I like to talk about sex etc
etc

Let me start off by saying, unless I know you are there watching me have sex, or i know you and know you are a passive participant in my sex life, ie: you were invited, I dont like people listening to me have sex. fucking, making love, or just plain old sex. For that matter even jerking off. let me also state next my bathroom is also next to the backyard patio, so unless the shade is fully closed you can sit at the picnic table and see inside my house (living room included) its been hot out my landlords seem to do laundry every time J and I have sex.

EVERYSINGLETIME.

So I dont normally hear them. and then i'll state something dirty kinda loud and i'll hear the washer door close. Or we'll be having sex and people stand outside our bedroom talking for 20 minutes. You'd have to be deaf not to hear the action. This has been going on for 9 months. I cant even look at these people. The wife/lady person isnt nice. The guy is ok and i'll chat with him but i feel really awkward and most of the time having people 5 feet from my bed (doing laundry, talking or getting mail) ruins the mood for me. Now, they have a tent set up in the backyard and have been sleeping in it all week. which means I cant even poop or pee in my bathroom with out someone hearing it because the tent is about 5 feet from the window. We are going to have to move. I am very uncomfortable. I tried to rehearse last night, and even with the blinds shut. I couldn't. I mean I am sure they are tired of hearing Britney Spears coming from my window if they are living outside for the last week. but fuck. this sucks

June 16
does anyone else

find it odd that the landlords are sleeping in a tent in the backyard?

Macrh 18
ahh the heat drama continues

last night, the radiator above the bed decided to explode steam while i was sleeping under it. It rained on me, on the bed all over the walls and there was so much steam the fire alarm was going off. There was yellowish water all over the place. It could have been worse it could have been HOT yellow water that was comming from the radiator.

We turned off the boiler at the source. Called the landlords. left a note. no answer. I hear from him this morning, oh i didnt get the message until I was on the way over here.

no wonder why this isnt bothering you frezzing to death you have somewhere else to sleep at night- I DONT

so hopefully we find a place this weekend and get to move by mid month. If we dont find a place now we wont be movig till AFTER PR in may

march 13
no heat
we had no power for awhile
getting tired of the current apartment. must start looking. want to stay in williamsburg

2005-10-19T23:29:00.000-04:00

when i was 16, i met someone named erik.

the night i met him i told him "when i grow up i want to be a dominatrix" he then said hit me
and i said no

he said I DARE you to hit me

So I was going to fake a punch as my spike covered wrist moved forward, so did his chin and i hit him.

and caused him to bleed. i hope no one every doubted me becasue i play in that world frequently
and i know how to hit and give the wanted pain and the desired submission to someone
how funny that story isand how he doubted me.

how it makes me laugh now

sakura

2005-09-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

you briefly wonder about people - you take a 3rd person perspective glance into their lives and cease to wonder. the longing for a quick memory is gone before it actually even started. their growth, lack there of, or yours is too far apart to even attempt to rekindle any life into a fire that may have once existed. do tunes ever really change, or are the sounds the same after thousands of years just like the passing of seasons. people always remaining as they were, either hunters or gatherers, not always your gender assignment, but more of a personalty trait.

little things- a smell, a sight, a shared joke, makes you think about them and miss that moment, but not miss anything else. your life hasnt changed for worse with out them around. it has continued on its track of either success or failure, depending on who you are or what point in the journey you are in. weather you hunt or gather. i hunt usually leaving a trail of gathers in my path rarely looking back to think of anything i may have done or not done- it doesnt matter so why think about it. you wouldnt change the situation you have now or the situations coming. you hunted for them. and you have found some of what you want leaving those things you tried to do in the past and rarely giving a second thought. the only regrets you have are moments when you tried to be a gatherer, didnt do your hunting. secretly you did your fair share in some odd way, collecting and filling in areas that lacked with others to pick up the slack. if only you had opened your eyes. that is what you think about when you regret not miss. regret is so different then miss. miss is usually something that you found pleasure in. regret is something you found nothing where you thought you would one day find a miss.

when you look - you realize, that most people who matter at some point are just like the sakura. beautiful for the time they are in bloom and a carpet of a faded pink memory when you glance out the window after the storm. something that you'll see only tens of times in a life. meanwhile somewhere in your life, sakura in bloom grow as the fallen fade. will you look back upon these blossoms as you did upon those on the ground. heartless for walking away you question, and some probably state. it is less complicated not thinking about sakura. especially as autumn approaches and those memories are long since passed.

worlds apart they say. they being defined as me, myself and I - or the id, ego and superego. it's better to not look for too long at the trail of petals behind you that have been walked on, floated beside you or were still alive when you passed.too long in a memory ruins the beauty. where the petal is now doesn't matter, you enjoyed it for what it was when you were beside it. and like a hunter, you give thanks for the moments of beauty you witnessed and hope to find more in the future as there are other things that need your attention and this time the soft green leaves of summer to watch turn and fall into another carpet to only lead to a blanket of fallen white snow and enjoying the sakura, or experiences that now bloom in your life some of those sprouting from under the carpet of where petals lay.

weekly update

2005-08-28T01:10:00.000-04:00

this week was pretty good. the new job is nice. and i like the people. and i like the tasks so far. so thats a plus.

I had a tastey dinner with cashcrash ealier in the week and ordered take out from UnionPicnic last night becasue it was so good when we ate there.

i put a downpayment on a new latex dress this week.

the difference is mine is red with black trim and i look much hotter since I am way more hour glasses than that lady.

i cleaned out the fridge. We really need to get some ready to eat food in this house. i donthave the time i want to cook and clean the kicthen- so sandwhiches de jour is going to be the theme.

new path

2005-08-16T16:33:00.000-04:00

time again to leave my little house and walk through thr open door that awaits. today, I embark on the new part of my life.

today, I start a new job.
or at least leave for training to start a new job.

vacaction or nightmare

2005-08-14T12:19:00.000-04:00

i am home, and very glad to be home at that.

I didnt enjoy my vacation as much as i should have. somehow, visiting family can be very stressful, especially when they forget you are pushing thirty. And you were the same age they were when they delivered you from your mother's womb.

I enjoyed swimming on the beach and laying around in the sun. But I find snorkeling on the big reefs scary and dislike the "pushing" of having to do these things. I dont swim well and gasping for air and breathing in mouthfuls of salt water are not fun. For someone who swims 2 times a year usually floats and keeps her upper chest above water being in the open ocean on a giant reef is tramatic. If I could have gone home right then and there I would have. From that moment on my trip was miserable. My aunt complains and is miserable about everything. Shoot me before I hit menopause. It is not that I am not grateful for being able to stay in their home, it is just trying on the soul to hear 2 people so angry at everything. and miserable with everything including their 1.3 million dollar condo in a beautiful ocean front resort. I also never want to be a staunch republican. I may be conservative on business issues, but I am not about personal liberties and choices to be gay, march in the street as I please.

I have never heard someone complain so much about everything in my life. She swears she is just like my quiet mild mannered never speaking gradfather when infact is a clone of my over bearing, oppressive and controlling grandmother who obsesses about everything.

"Oh you look great, although people may thing you look 7 months pregant"

I think part of my issue with staying there was the fact I am used to being free. Not answering to anyone. Having a car, a subway, things to do alone. Eating what I want to dinner. That I am not a child of 10 although she seems to feel that way.

"you and justin should move here and we'll convert the first floor of the condo and you can get a job teaching at the high school and justin can open up a computer repair shop"

i think that the max amt of time I can visit here is 3 days. Which is actually 60 hours more than I can visit my grandmother. "

I eat so healthy I eat meat and dairy and grains" And everything you eat is covered in melted cheese and fried beef. I wanted to vomit. My worst is a fried chicken sandwich and french fries I eat once a week.

Derrida

2005-08-08T11:58:00.000-04:00

"Sociology professor: No one knows what the hell Derrida is talking about, but we all pretend we do anyway.--

ColumbiaOverheard by: djlindee "

this may be my favorite thing ever written on overheardinny especially since i recently took out my undersstanding derrida book and placed it on my new bookshelf.

plus and minus

2005-08-03T08:33:00.000-04:00

plus: being told that yesterday was my last day, getting my exit interview at 3 pm and leaving work before 4.

minus: there is no minus!

plus: spending two and a half hours getting a manicure and pedicure. 1 hr and 45 minutes spent on pedicure. most of it was the massage. i think he might like my feet. All for 24 bucks. minus: so far nothingplus: going to my parents house and them buying me tickets for 5 nights 6 days in flordia

minus: I see no minus so far

plus: not having to wake up super early

minus: still having to wake up to find ok to park on wednesday alternate side parking crap

plus: not having anything to do but play house wife

minus: I cant stop sneezing and my period decides to show up.

plus: it doesnt matter because everything is so nice and fun! And I have so many cool things to do. Like going to Ct with my family this weekend to see my dad play, and all my dad's friends who are like my uncles. and going to be with J all weekend. and having a clean house, and sleeping in, and making dinner, and getting to spend a week in florida, and then coming home and going back to flordia and starting a new job.how could I be any happier!

shopping trip

2005-07-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

tonight for celebration zunidyer and i will be shopping or browsing at our favorite fetish stores. which translates to, I will not eat much all day so i can eat tonight and stil look hot in latex. she's creating a monster with the latex.

i gave my 2 weeks notice yesterday. it came to a shock of the obivious department director and to many co workers (some of which said - what took you so long) knowing i was miserable probably helped. but when you have been in a job for 3 and a half years (about) leaving always comes as a suprise to people. the shock of me leaving will be the big ol box of my pictures/cds i take today. and the real shock will come when i am not there to deal with all the projects my manager never knew passed by my desk. because i am efficant and can multitask-meaning- i do things for people with out mentioning itso the count down is on. I have 9 days left to work.

Obviously i wasnt walked out as most people are. but the 2 weeks is still young and i get to meet with HR and the director today/tomorrow over "why i am leaving"

job rants

2005-07-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

(series of combined posts between May-July 2005)

july 28
i gave my 2 weeks notice yesterday. it came to a shock of the obivious department director and to many co workers (some of which said - what took you so long) knowing i was miserable probably helped. but when you have been in a job for 3 and a half years (about) leaving always comes as a suprise to people. the shock of me leaving will be the big ol box of my pictures/cds i take today. and the real shock will come when i am not there to deal with all the projects my manager never knew passed by my desk. because i am efficant and can multitask-meaning- i do things for people with out mentioning itso the count down is on. I have 9 days left to work.

july 24
I hope i get to give notice by wednesday.
i also hope I am escorted out when i quit.
but becasue i want to be, I wont.

july 9th
this weeks update:
interview: went well. they called the next day to schedule interview number 2. 3 positions with the same title are open. want to start counting the chickens, but am resisting it.

I REALLY WANT THE JOB!!! lets hope they can work out a bit more money

show: was funny. lost a wig. other than that I did ok needs some work

work: you know the shity job
i wanted to just walk out of this week. hopefully i can do that next week. 3+ years of being there and all i want to do is piss my boss of and respond with "ok fine your way is perfect too bad I wont be here to see it, consider this my notice" (middle finger goes up and i leave)or fuck off and walking out might be nice

work: doing photoshoot of band today. I hate this. i was ropped in becasue it is family. I did all there design work and the base design for the web page (although they thankfully hired someone else to dothe actual webdesign and backend) i kinda branded all of it. which means i am stuck directing the photoshoot which i do not want to do. especially after the week @ work i had.

cancun: the last week in october. booked a prepaid hotel package so when (and if) i get the new job i can say: well, I already have a vacation planned this week. I can change it if need be but I would perfer to still take it and i know it would be unpaid...

july 12th
pysco bitches comment of the day
"had you been here Friday afternoon I would have fired you."so yesterday I received my first letter of probation. The "warning letter" which is emailed.

The next letter I will receive will be written and I will need to sign it. The following letter will be termination. how many of you think I can get fired before I find a new job?! After her behavior yesterday, I called in sick today. She physically made me ill yesterday afternoon, much of which I spent in the potty dealing with being ill. I can not work like this anymore.

I have calculated quitting to give my notice even if I do not get a new job on Wednesday july 20. Which would put my 2 weeks termination day (even if I am escorted out) on Aug 3rd, Giving me one month to find new employment with my ass still having health care.But, hopefully, as of this afternoon, I will know if I will be starting a new job. ---

about 20 times between these 2 events: I really hope i get this job i am interviewing for.

JULY 20 2005 5:21 AM
i think no one talking to me at work might be a good thing. I got pissed off for someone saying to my boss that all i do is check my email and book vacations. Just because i am not loud about all the work I do, doesnt mean I do not do work. If anything I am far more productive than most people imagine. I not only handle their mundane admin duties of grading tests and phones but I usually manage to deal with my own work of slides, binders, talking to vendors, ordering materials, making weekly newsletter mailings, website development, color correction, diploma making and god knows what else.

Oh yeah, fixing other peoples computers because our IT department is slow and I am right there to fix it. Its a one hand washes the other relationship. I deal with stupid issues if i need upgrades or want to borrow a projector for the weekend, it is never a problem.

Backstabbing bitch=coworker loudmouth late 30s 3 year old kid, obviously not getting laid, terrified and insulting of homosexuals, insulting of people who are in poly relationships, insulting of anything she doesnt understand. Likes to tell physco bitch boss lady everything that happens in the office. or could be happening. so if you want something to get back to PBBL- you mention it to BSB. Apparently, I did something worng at work. Conversation is as follows : PBBL-"one of your co workers mentions that you look for jobs at work and check your email" me (thought to self... hmmm I dont look for anything but transfers while I am at work, I also dont really check email all that often.. but the only person who might see that is the person who sits next to me.. ohhh BSB!!

i respond with "well maybe if you going to punish me, you should punish everyone. I guess others shouldnt be doing things like ordering off ebay for their daughters birthday party, and buying childrens clothes (FYI BSB is the only one with a kid in our area..)

So BSB always asks me for favors. Like finding stuff on the Internet for her kid, or her niece or printing out pictures. None of which i have a problem with doing, but as I mentioned before. One hand washes the other- ie: me and the boys in IT. She doesnt realize that I too can be a bitch. so all the manipulation of the BSB co worker on the boss turns against her.

I treat people at work in one way.

I evaluate their position if we were in a power play BDSM situation. I top the boss from the bottom. Same with BSB. but i play it differently. I am enjoying playing them against one another now- something i havent tried. PSBL is now really nice to meso the coworkers decide they all want to wear uniforms to work. and they decide to all secretly coordinate company tshirts and beige pants for yesterday. I wanst told because well I am not apart of the team. But I found out about it before hand. So I wore a suit. So when they all looked like comp usa workers I looked professional. It was noticed by the director. I scored points. I then spent part of my afternoon talking with him about what the specs of the studio we are building are going to be.

When I quit I will enjoy it.

2.23.2005
-breathe-
its only a job. sometimes, it just feels awful. and today being here, is one of those days, again.

i know i find meaning in everything else i do but after driving an hour only to feel worthless it isnt the most enjoyable feeling.

enneagram

2005-07-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

You are most likely a type 4 (the Individualist) with 3 wingSexual variant

I took 3 different versions of the test and it all resulted in the same. Although the type 5 wing was only .4 behind in the actual ranking. I am a bit of both I guess. I often feel torn between career sucess and artistic happiness. This basically would explain it

Type Four - The IndividualistProfile by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson - The Enneagram Institute

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Intuitive, Expressive, Self-Absorbed, and Depressive

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)The Four with a

Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"The Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Potential Neuroses: Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic Personality DisordersKey Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".

HealthySelf-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating—able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average
Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination. To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy
When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function. Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them. Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.Wings by Thomas Condon - The Changeworks

Four With a 3 Wing
Fours with a 3 wing can sometimes seem like Sevens. May be outgoing, have a sense of humor and style. Prize being both creative and effective in the world. Both intuitive and ambitious; may have good imaginations, often talented. Some are colorful, fancy dressers, make a distinct impression. Self-knowledge combines well with social and organizational skills. When more entranced, often have a public/private split. Could conceal feelings in public then go home to loneliness. Or they could enjoy their work and be dissatisfied in love. Tendency towards melodrama and flamboyance; true feelings can often be hidden. Competitive, sneaky, aware of how they look. Some have bad taste. May be fickle in love, drawn to romantic images that they have projected onto others. Could have a dull spouse, then fantasize about glamorous strangers. Achievements can be tainted by jealousy, revenge, or a desire to prove the crowd wrong.

Four With a 5 Wing
Healthy side of this wing brings a withdrawn, complex creativity. May be somewhat intellectual but have exceptional depth of feeling and insight. Very much their own person; original and idiosyncratic. Have a spiritual and aesthetic openness. Will find multiple levels of meaning to most events. May have a strong need and ability to pour themselves into artistic creations. Loners; can seem enigmatic and hard to read. Externally reserved and internally resonant. When they open up it can be sudden and total. When entranced or defensive, Fours with a 5 wing can easily feel alienated and depressed. Many have a sense of not belonging, of being from another planet. Can get lost in their own process, drown in their own ocean. Whiny - tend to ruminate and relive past experience. Prone to the emotion of shame. Air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment. May live within a private mythology of pain and loss. Can get deeply morbid and fall in love with death.

Instinctual Variants by Thomas Condon - The Changeworks
Self-Preservation
People with this theme are often advocates of risk. Can be reckless, court disaster or just flirt lightly with loss. Take chances to stir up emotional intensity, play out melodrama or to get attention. Can have a desire to punish other through hurting themselves. The logic is, "If I die then they'll be sorry and finally appreciate me." Can seem like counterphobic Sixes in their behavior. With a 3 wing this subtype is more flamboyant and makes a show of their daring. With a 5 wing they grow more sullen and self-punishing.

Intimate
Fours with this theme tend to be highly competitive in close relationships but also more generally. With a mate they are prone to jealousy. Want to be the most important person in mate's life. Could be jealous of a partner's past relationships, maybe want to be the only person the partner has ever loved. Related to the dependent side of 2. More broadly can be consumed by professional envy. Long to best others in their work. Can jealously measure their contributions. Petty about keeping score. Want recognition for their uniqueness. Take away from successes of others when threatened.

Social
Prone to shame because they compare themselves with the "normal" world around them. Can be highly self-critical and feel ashamed for their deviance from imagined group norms. Sensitive to criticism. May romanticize their defects but feel bad about themselves anyway. If they have a 3 wing, may cover their shame with charm. Can also seek status or be driven to achieve to get revenge against those who once laughed at them. With a 5 wing, can grow antisocial and depressed, bearing their shame in solitude.

Enneagram Type and Wing

Love focused types Security focused types In between
1w2, 2w3, 2w1, 3w2, 3w4, 4w3, 4w5 6w5, 6w7, 7w6, 7w8, 8w7, 8w9, 9w8 1w9, 9w1, 5w4, 5w6

Type Focuses more on Primary Behavior Secondary Behavior

1w9 attracting love + acquiring power perfectionism calm and peacefulness
1w2 attracting love perfectionism helpful / caretaking
2w1 attracting love helpful / caretaking perfectionism2w3 attracting love helpful / caretaking achievement / success
3w2 attracting love achievement / success helpful / caretaking3w4 attracting love achievement / success self definition / self awareness
4w3 attracting love self definition / self awareness achievement / success
4w5 attracting love self definition / self awareness objective/intellectual
5w4 attracting love + acquiring power objective / intellectual self definition / self awareness
5w6 acquiring power + attracting love objective / intellectual loyalty / suspicion
6w5 acquiring power loyalty / suspicion objective / intellectual6w7 acquiring power loyalty / suspicion energetic and fun7w6 acquiring power energetic and fun loyalty / suspicion
7w8 acquiring power energetic and fun control / intimidation
8w7 acquiring power control / intimidation energetic and fun
8w9 acquiring power control / intimidation calm and peacefulness
9w8 acquiring power calm and peacefulness control / intimidation9w1 acquiring power + attracting love calm and peacefulness perfectionismtext version

Head types Instinct types In between
3w4, 4w3, 4w5, 5w4, 5w6, 6w5, 6w7, 7w6 2w3, 2w1, 1w2, 1w9, 9w1, 9w8, 8w9, 8w7 3w2, 7w8-------------------------------------
Type 1 - orderly, fastidious, stiff
Type 2 - caring, considerate, loving
Type 3 - entertaining, accomplished, committed
Type 4 - artistic, melodramatic, soulful
Type 5 - philosophical, intellectual, innovative
Type 6 - cynical, neurotic, cautiousType 7 - fun loving, energetic, daring
Type 8 - confrontational, tough, unyielding
Type9 - calming, peace loving, even tempered

http://similarminds.com/desc.html
http://www.9types.com/type4board/wwwboard.actual.html
http://www.9types.com/type4board/

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/type4.htm

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type4.php

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/typeFour.asp

2005-06-21T15:00:00.000-04:00

funny how out of nowhere I remembered one of the first girls I had a crush on. She was a junior and I was a freshman. she was cute. she wasnt into girls- not that i know of anyway. I crushed on her my whole freshman year while i fooled around with boys and smoked a lot of pot. she had a short dark brown bob cut (it was 1993.. ahh girls with bobs are adorable, hence my hair cut) she wore long black skirts and boots (so did I) and she had pretty eyes. We used to get dinner together after football games after her boyfriend broke up with her. We were in band together. She probably never knew I liked her and wanted to kiss her.

i started hanging out erika/ca(?) soon after, she and i stopped hanging out. and i kissed erica instead.

waxing

2005-05-10T11:18:00.000-04:00

this morning i had this wise idea, that i would wax my legs before work. Specifically becasue i have been waking up around 5 am every day. and that gives me an additonal hour and 15 minutes to fuck around. This morning I got up at 5 40 and said hey what the hell i'll wax em anyway how long can it take...

My mistake was I tried that self peeling wax- the hard kind. I had never used this before Well I found out that you need to apply it thicker than normal soft wax. It is less messy in general- but it the at home kind isnt as nice as the kind they use at spas. it isnt sticky which is the only way I left on time becasue i didnt have to shower after but i have little wax flakes ALL over the place on the floor and desk. And some peices were stuck to my legs which i had to rub with olive oil to remove since i dont have baby oil at home.

I didnt finish becasue i am slow in the morning and i am wearing a skirt. I still have small spots of green wax on me along with chucnks of leg hair on both legs. so i grabbed pre done wax strips which you rub with your hands to heat and proceeded to finish waxing my legs in the parking lot at work. I am sure someone saw- I hope they laughed about it- i thought it was funny! plus my legs are almost waxed. my box is trimmed and waxed. my eye brows are done. Just need to pull the hair from my pits and get my toes and nails done and I will be grommed for our trip this weekend. I do like my new hair cut too. Its been all about pampering shana. but thursday night i will have to pamper justin and fix him up nice and sexy for the beach (and bedroom yumm..)

thesis show

2005-05-10T09:58:00.000-04:00

Mon, May. 2nd, 2005 07:37 pm
work is installed.
justin and i were there 6 hours but we finished it. with one episode (his) of low blood sugar, and one cut (also his)

no arguments :)
no breakage :)
no need to take tomorrow off work.

Anyone interested in attending my thesis show I'll get you detailed directions.

Its Thursday betwen 5-8 pm.
I will be performing between 6:30-7 ish

Wed, Apr. 20th, 2005 09:17 pm
Info:

2005 MFA Thesis Exhibition Group Show
Hillwood Art Museum
Long Island University, CW Post Campus

Opening:
May 5-11th 2005
Opening May 5th 5-8 pm

Performance Time:
6:30-7 pm

Show dates:
May 5-11th 2005

Location:
720 Northen Blvd. Brookville, NY 11548 516.299. 4073
Museum hours:
M-W,F 9:30-4:30 pm
Thursday 9:30 am-8pm Sat 11am-3 pm

2005-05-06T16:34:00.000-04:00

i have gotten to the point in my life that I am no longer really hurt by those that dissapoint me. This, I should say is probably a very sad thing to say- because, this means I have become calused and accostumed to people who do not follow through with thier promises.

bad realtionships, friendships and members of my family have all broke me of the crying that once happened when they dissapointed me.

Now, I expect it. and today, i am going to complain. I expect people to blow off important events: like birthdays, gallery openings, holidays and graduation. (being there, and/or presents also are included if you can do it for others you can do it for me also)

i actually am suprised when one calls to tell me that they arent comming. usually i have to call them to find out where they are or why they did not show up. I am forced to just assume people are not going to show up anyway- so when you notify me, it actually makes me laugh. i dont think that you're comming anyway so what ever it is now that has you not comming is no suprise to me, I find amusement as stammering for words on the phone or lengthy explainations about why you cant come be it you cant leave your dogs (when they are 15 lbs each and sleep all day and fit in the car nicely) or your daughters birthday or your desire not to leave your living quaters or your unablilty to do something along, or your napping, or you car, or you forgot, or you had a fight with someone else. a phone call isnt too hard to make.

but now when i get the call I expect it

maybe i am an asshole.

2005-04-24T14:33:00.000-04:00

the sun is out! I thought it was going to rain all weekend.

I am quite sleepy, but well fucked and sore enough that i have a constant reminder yet not fucked enough that i can not walk.
i hope to acomplish that my evening.

we are going to park slope today to look for my graduation present and then to home depot to lookg for blinds (not blondes) for the bathroom window and for little plants to put outside the window si I dont have to look directly at the trash these people leave all over the place

yesterday, justin i spent much of the day working on my countertop. We learned how to cut and apply formica. And we also became aware that I am an idiot. and i just have no fabrication skills.

ohh its the hooka smoking catipillar in AiWL on the tv. AEIOUUUUUUUU. I would like to add I think he is smoking hashish. (although shisha is nice to smoke but it doesnt make you say silly things or be confused.) I need to go hooka smoking!!

so why am i babbling about nothing. maybe it is because i am avoiding babbling about something.

Thank you for all those who remembered my birthday last sunday and made me feel special. You have no idea how much it ment to me. :)

birthdays

2005-04-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

tw-if you live in the city i'll be celebrating tonight with friends and birthday sharing with sugarmilk (and another lady too) at the Red Hits Burlesque show - Rififi's starting around 9:30!(well the show starts at 10 but i will be there to have a drink around 930)

in less than an hour i turn 26.

i am not sure how i feel about this.

it isnt nestolgia
it isnt regret
it isnt ____

maybe it is just a mark of time that bothers me like justin said.

but i dont think so.
i dont have this feeling of "oh look another year has passed and i have done nothing."

my past year of my life has been filled with fun, making new friends, excitement, change, mostly good.

we moved from bushwick to williamsburg
ive lost 38 pounds
we bought a beautiful new couch and a new mattress
i started dancing again- although in frequent it makes me happy
my art work has developed
in 2 weeks I will graduate with my MFA
ive met some really wonderful new people
i've sexually accepted myself
we've had rough times and amazing times and i am still in love

it just feels like some kind of disappointment
like chistmas or easter feels

maybe i expect to feel like a child again. there's a photograph of me on my second birthday and my family filled the WHOLE living room with balloons and presents.

I think that i am looking for that- feeling of newness, surprise, excitement and after awhile- birthdays just feel like another day.

2005-04-14T16:40:00.000-04:00

i had burger king for lunch. only becasue people keep talking about those tv comercials and now much they hate them

I, ADORE the new BK marketing. It gets stuck in my head and the comercials make me laugh

damn i am tan

i am almost 26... only a few days left until i am on the uphill climb to 30

over due

2005-04-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

a long over due properly written journal entry

anyone up for pedicures this weekend?

so to explain a bit of my perivious posts this week:

Why am i being sued? I am a hard working, on time paying (except cable) broke american..
I missed a dr appointment. I didnt know i had an appointment. I showed up for when i though tmy appointment was and no one was there. no one called me, i had never missed an appointment before. you would think someone would call since i never vanished before, especially since it was a therapists office. What if i offed myself or something? they never followed up about a patient they had for 2 years. i called after a half hour waiting outside a locked office and they said: you missed the appointment blahh blahh blahh you owe us this amount. they never offered a payment plan, a rescheduled appointment. nothing. talk about pissing me off! so i ignored it. i never got anything in the mail. if i did it was thrown out with other garbage. Good Friday happens and my mom gets certified letter to me at her house. so she calls me. I get excited thinking its about a residency or something to find out i am being sued for 550.00 $ for missed appointment, late fees, interests and court charges.

you could imagine my dismay...anger and crying

so i wrote a letter w/ a check fore 125 bucks to the dr. addressed it to him sent it ceritifed to HIS office not his billing staffs PO box. imagine his suprise since when the staff called me yesterday and explained to me he doesnt know about his billing process, about the court case, about how they never called when i never reponded to the said 4 letters they sent. how they never tured it to collections before starting a lawsuit.
so its all taken care of except for 45 bucks i need to pay this week.

so this sick stomach puking problem. I titrated my does of metaformin up from 750 to 1500 on tuesday in hopes to clear up the acne, small feet fuzz that started to return along with the mood swings that i hadnt had since before i started the medication.

the last time i did this, i puked for 2 weeks. 6-8 hours every night after i took the pill. so i went back to 750 mg and then this week decided i needed more (love self medication) Mommy, RN suggested i space out the pill taking rather than take all 1500 at once. So I did, but Day 1 was awful I spent all day in the bathroom at work. I felt fine but i couldnt hold anything in. Day 2 no puke, ate food ok alittle queasy mid afternoon. Today is Day 3: I got on scale. Water weight (plus excess food weight) leaving. Bloating status ok. Lost: 3 pounds. So I am back to 141. I know i am at this plateau. it sucks. I have been bouncing between 140-145 since Janurary. I know because this pill will do its job controlling hormone levels i will start to lose weight. lets hope it doesnt keep making me sick.

4 days until my spring Flordia vacation! I am tan (justin said i am starting to look like an italian. ) i have bever been tan. And i am probably not that tan but for me I look healthy. Alittle pink to my checks a goldish red glowing skin. I dont want to be dark. I just wanted to not look as sickly as i was.

last night i got home played bathing suit dress up and then climbed onto the couch with a blankie and started to watch tv.

it was the first time since, i dont know when, last Sat? that I sat still, didnt have to do anything, didn't have to say anything intelligent and didnt have to be "on"

it was amazing.

justin and i curled up in bed, dispute his desire to play touchy feely he was empathetic to my just happy to be cuddled mood. although he did have my interest piqued but i was so tired.

i also waxed my legs last night :) it was the first time i removed leg hair since BEFORE december. my leg skin feels forging and i had trouble falling asleep i had to place a layer of blanket between my legs.

2005-03-31T18:31:00.000-05:00

can not sleep.

i am exhausted due to my work this week. I spent 2 days in a warehouse doing binder production for a bunch of snotty trainers who didnt give them to the production team until 7 days before the new class and new progframs start. and the production team was off (1 woman, took off for easter, she is the whole production team) so me and admin became the production team with no idea how to do anything on monday.

I spent 2 days on my feet, lifting boxes of paper and binders and everything else. making the binders and tabs and stuffing them into the binders.

they covers and spines for the new program look fantastico! I did an amazing design job. Maybe if they didnt take my position away last summer i would still do amazing design work on a daily basis.

i think this whole binder this is stupid anyway. they are a bunch of snotty ungrateful drug reps. i can not stand them. monday 7 15 at my job will feel like a frat part exploded all over the place.

so i get back to my facility yesterday only to get there over an hour early to move video equipment and move furniture for count 2-3 video sets and spend the day filimg all the video for the same ungrateful reps for next week. today i will spend all day editing. again last minute. which my admin co workers are going to be livid becasue i have been pulled away from class room set up (aka box carring and pen bin filling)

i need a day off.

oh wait- thats why next week i am going to flordia.

2005-03-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

its been a long 2 days of working in a warehouse making participant binders for a class comming in on monday. i hurt really bad. my back and left knee are killing me and i am limping.

tomorrow i am shooting 6 hours of video at work
and thursday i am editing those clips
and friday i am setting up classroom and stuffing boxes.

thankfully this week is half over, i am exhautsed and can not wait to go to florida next week.

thoughts about my work, my art

2005-03-19T10:04:00.000-05:00

I was 16- I wanted to be a painter an artist. I wanted to live in the city.
How we speak our dreams of youth and they come to be. 10 years later I live my dreams.

A voyeur never a participant.
Struggling.
Self realization.
I return.

or did i emerge.. I feel that we start out in life need to get lost try out different things and then return to who we really were after we find out that nothing can break you.

I am sitting here, writing the edits and expansion sections of my MFA thesis. It is supposed to be a chronological development and documentation of my work and its' influences to explain how you have gotten to where you currently are and the in-depth analysis of my proposal for my MFA exhibition.

I wrote my thesis 5 days after I had surgery under the influence of drugs, sleep and quiet self reflection I had during prior days.

My work in my mind was so clear under the influence in the post op room- fentanyl. ahh the beautiful drug if I could touch again while not in pain but just as controlled I would. The beautiful soft dream in which I was so clear. After surgery most people speak nonsense. In April 2002- I laid there crying feeling hopeless and utterly alone. With no one to love to care for me or hold me. In December 2004- I felt powerful and content and in control. Peaceful. And I laid there for 2 hours being injected 4 times with heavy narcotics thinking about my work. I want to make my work breath. UREKA! I had it. I left the post op room- I never explained how amazing the drug was. They give it to people after chemo and those in pain with bad cancer. They also use it after surgery. Its a man made narc :"Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid and is about 30 times more potent than parenteral morphine."

highly addictive. sometimes I think about the one time i got to use it about how peaceful everything was and want to return there.

The only way I explained to justin was his description of K.. I couldn’t move but i could think in this clean world that was just mine. I was completely separate from my body and the things going on around me.

Thus far, this text has not been about what I started to write rather my own longings for a moment of calm warmth radiating through my body.

I could easily be addicted to it.

and i can understand how people are.

I came here to sort out my brain and reflect on my thoughts about my work. And how really after 3 years of grad school I am doing what I went to school doing. It grew. I abandoned it. I left it. I tried not to make work that starred me. I tried to take someone’s words "all your art has you in it" and work with out me. WHY? I wasted my time, money, my ideas. Art work, is always about the artist. The artist's self, their role in society, their ideas, their body, their experiences it may be about the russian revolution but it is through THEIR eyes.

I am proud to be selfish, self obsessed, self driven, self made, and making art about me.

I am pleased with being a creator. A self obsessed strong woman. With ideas and concepts that are going to make me be on the lips of others. I never wanted fame. maybe i lie . All artists want to be known- in life or after death. We all make work from our souls, work we dont know what is the driving force behind it, images that we later realize were the feelings we have inside. And if I say it is art, I believe it is art. Marcel Duchamp influences me more behind the scenes than many others. A piece is never really complete until viewed by the spectator.

we all want our work to be seen. to be complete.

Work is never the same. To each person when they complete the piece in their viewing- they look at it differently. They see something I didn’t know was there but is. They see themselves in the work.

So not only am I creating selfish work you the viewer are seeing yourself relating and being selfish during the interaction.

human nature is a selfish place.

So in retrospect of thinking about the evolution of graduate school. I went in doing performance, a shadowed self realization of a glimpse of beauty of self. As J would put it "I still needed time to cook"

I met him at the time the chef would be opening the foil to baste the meat. I still needed to cook and then brown.

I feel that at this time, I am almost ready to come out of the oven. grad school was successful. i regret where i chose to attend but it still accomplished it. I only had to push myself.

these three years amount to my tear filled eyes typing this. Realizing, I am an adult woman. who has things to say and says them articulately. That my selfish work is leading me to where I need to be. And I should have never left the work I was beginning in 2002- although i know- I needed to.

In some way- I never did.

I worked with myself- I was alone, cold and distant in the world I was living in. Taking images of what surrounded me and framing them in moments assigned numbers to hang on the wall. A voyeur never a participant.

I made videos which changed my life both as inner self reflection and outsider perception. Partially about one thing but in reflection about myself. Struggling.

I was charged with self discovery and exploration of my sexuality. Ashamed of my own dirty feelings. Taking apart and building from pieces of myself, materials. Self realization.

paint-how i returned to you after all these years. I return.

you let me present myself in so many ways. how the images i was painting were feelings, representations of my own inner workings of my body.

how right now you are allowing me to develop humor in the dark idea of life as we can now be created. In a test tube. How my own worries as an adult and concerns I experience are actually connected to so many others. How I can laugh at it with some sick sense of humor reflecting on how society actually works. my ideas and problems are placed in the context of the greater world I am apart of. And I can look around and know I can express this selfish turmoil and concepts which can relate to everyone differently but do relate to the outer bigger less selfish world.

The less selfish world in the big picture is more selfishly driven by people constantly striving to change nature. Creating test tubes of embryos, removal of self parts changing everything. We as humans can alter ourselves, our insides, our bodies. We can change how others see us. but we can not change ourselves. we remain who were are changing our outsides to match our insides in some cases and in others changing the outside so others can complete us more easily.

do i think its wrong. in some cases yes.

do i think giving someone the opportunity to bring forth life when they can not on their own is wrong.
in some cases- yes.

are we as humans dabbling in playing god. yes.
is it wrong?

i don’t know.

in some way the work I am doing now. These small representations of ovaries and embryos for sale. It pokes fun at the bigger issue that we now buy everything. in this perfect man made society we can buy it all. yet, what are we buying? we buy the things we lack. if you have enough money you can buy the opportunity to create yourself- I am sure it is being done. if it isnt- buying a clone will eventually happen.

in some ways we already do. we buy the ability to conceive if we can not. how long until we can alter the embryos dna to make them what we want.

woman look at long lists of men’s attributes to make babies.
woman pay other woman to buy their eggs. their womb. their fertility.

will i be one of those woman?

part of me is doing this piece to be able to come to terms with these ideas i may have to come to grasp with one day. part of me is doing this performance and work to poke fun at how controlling our society is. how perfect we try and make it.

and part of me is making these obsessive pieces because i can make them, control them to only some limits and nature, takes the rest - with gravity, temperatures, chemical mixing, and happy accidents to create these tiny litter representations of eggs, embryos, ovaries. In some way, i am playing god in this make believe world i am going to portray which is a reflection of our current society.

and i will be playing the programmed sales girl with perfect representation of how casual we as a consumer society purchase our own perfection, health, bodies and minds.

society equates to a selfish perfectionist being in which we all try to remove all imperfections and happy accidents. controlling nature and playing god.

2005-02-28T13:48:00.000-05:00

ahh so its monday. my eyes felt like they were still pissed off at me over the contact rejection inncedent last night. I could barly open them this morning. I didnt even have a drink last evening - usually i have a beer after but i had nothing.

I am not sure how my perfromance went. I didnt feel prepared what-so-ever and when i was dancing i heard laughter comming from the back during a non laughing scene (which justin confirmed about) and specificlly the 2 laughing inncedents were when I was low with much of my ass exposed. I am hoping it wasnt me they were laughing at or my ass becasue I think I have a fantastic looking ass. I also hope I didnt show any emtotion on my face as response to the situation. fortuneatley my back was to the audeince the first time I heard it.
but i am proud of my costume! I love making detailed bras and such! I think I might do this on an obessive level..

I had a great time none the less. I really liked Jo Boobs! (to the point where I may someday rival Miss Lux's obession for Dirty Martini) and was happy to dance with such talented ladies.

and also too see some friends I dont get to see often (Dro, Val, Arien, and Raven) Val even missed the Oscars to see my boobs ;)

Anway back to work.

I shoulda never ate a spicy redneck from crifs after dancing last night my tummy is REALLY pissed off

2005-02-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

ugh

so i over heard my manager taklking to a co worker that someones hours may be changing. Which actually means me or michol. since they are going to need someone else working later. This is all just assumption. they suckier part of me working later say 9-5 means I would still have to leave my house before 7 and kill an hour before work becasue if i leave after 7 i wont get to work until after 9 30 and leaving work at 5 means I wont get home till after 6 30 (UGH) which would be awful right now I am out of the house 10 and a half hours a day and that would change it to over 12.

YUCK!

i hope it isnt me who has to do this

I went tanning last night- I also went and got a briziallian.

I dont think i like being compeltely hairless. It just isnt for me.

And my skin wasnt red or anything and poof about 30 min ago I started to turn pink! I am kinda excited about the taning thing! I might actually get color this year ( i just want to look a little healthier)

2005-02-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

-breathe-

its only a job. sometimes, it just feels awful. and today being here, is one of those days, again.

i know i find meaning in everything else i do but after driving an hour only to feel worthless it isnt the most enjoyable feeling.