7 years

where was I 7 years ago? what was I doing? I think i must have sat in a pair of jncos airwalks and a babytee in front of a computer in my living room. Probably online rpging something or other. Actually i think i can remember exactly where i was. I remember sleeping late, it had snowed a lot that early winter. My relationship with my parents sucked. I was failing out of high school. I wasnt sure who me was. I was smoking up multiple times a day and tripping out almost once a week. yet i found my art important. i wanted to be close with my mom. I wanted to feel happy. Inside and out. I wanted to be an artist. I was dating the asshole before I met fuckface. Yea they all have names.

So I sit 7 years later. In a pair of mac-gears a babytee and funky shoes in front of a computer in my room. Listening to Bush getting ready to go film. Becasue I am the artist I wanted to be. I dont smoke or trip anymore. In a way the temporary relase of beer has replaced it when I need to escape. As has plane tickets, foreign counties and choch chip cookie dough ice cream.
My mom still lectures me. Something about my parking tickets. But shes my friend now. I know her as a person. Mydad and I still have the same rocky relationship. Its getting better but we still fight about everything.

I dont know if am am as happy as i wanted to be. But I worked my ass off to be where I am. Which gives me a sort of satisfaction, and in someway happiness.

Fuck face did a lot for me. Some good some bad. But what I know is that for those years I was with him- I wasnt really me. He never met all of me. I hid the girl in the big pants and tshirt from him. He knew her only briefly. He saw her momentarily on Monday the first time we saw each other basically since that day. I dont regret hiding because he didnt take that from me like he did everything else. But he saw parts of me I know no one will ever know. Because she has been buried beneath what I find comfort in. Which is who i was before i ever met him.

I think I cry now mostly for me. For all the innocence I lost. For not ever wanting to trust anyone again. For missing the soft touch lying next to someone waking up. The long warm nights. I dont want to ever love someone again And I think thats mostly my problem. Because a long with love comes trust and I dont think I could ever trust anyone at least not like I had trusted him.