birthdays

tw-if you live in the city i'll be celebrating tonight with friends and birthday sharing with sugarmilk (and another lady too) at the Red Hits Burlesque show - Rififi's starting around 9:30!(well the show starts at 10 but i will be there to have a drink around 930)

in less than an hour i turn 26.

i am not sure how i feel about this.

it isnt nestolgia
it isnt regret
it isnt ____

maybe it is just a mark of time that bothers me like justin said.

but i dont think so.
i dont have this feeling of "oh look another year has passed and i have done nothing."

my past year of my life has been filled with fun, making new friends, excitement, change, mostly good.

we moved from bushwick to williamsburg
ive lost 38 pounds
we bought a beautiful new couch and a new mattress
i started dancing again- although in frequent it makes me happy
my art work has developed
in 2 weeks I will graduate with my MFA
ive met some really wonderful new people
i've sexually accepted myself
we've had rough times and amazing times and i am still in love

it just feels like some kind of disappointment
like chistmas or easter feels

maybe i expect to feel like a child again. there's a photograph of me on my second birthday and my family filled the WHOLE living room with balloons and presents.

I think that i am looking for that- feeling of newness, surprise, excitement and after awhile- birthdays just feel like another day.