long over due

i have not posted, not out of lack of thoughts or starts of entries, but just not having sufficient time to sit down and write an update. As usual, the pace of life is much too quick to sit down and relish in your recent events. It is really only at the days end, en route to work or home, or on a plane I get a moment to ponder my own mental well being.

I have not updated since before my trip to Seattle to visit Jenny. My trip, a much needed escape from the constant to and fro (or hustle and bustle) was jammed packed full of a slower pace, caffeine driven 3 days of shopping, eating, spa visits and girl time. I enjoyed seeing Jenny and Grendel. And spent a lot of time watching a friend, suddenly seem so grown up at peace with herself, in her new/reestablished environment.

It seems as if she is now gone. Our furry of communication, dying as I landed in New York that Monday morning. I worry that my friend is so distant, that I said or did something. But I try to remember she is busy with a new life and a new love, in a home she is pleased with. I wish her to know that I am happy for her and that I will always be here for her, to talk.

I process a lot of self-reflection on that trip. Somewhere, mid america, staring down at all that black nothing, my first trans continental journey, I felt so detached from the rest of the country. Being up in the sky for long periods, alone, middle of the night, in the pitch blackness, and the surreal feeling of 20 some hours awake, probably has that effect on many people. I remember looking down, knowing land was below and seeing nothing only the occasional glimmer of electric light humanity ant sized. I do not mean to say I felt lonely. But rather alone, in this large world. A sudden feeling of melancholy, wrapped up in pure black land. Never seeing it, this mid western suburban 'hood girl, who has been in the east coast world of suburban or urban nyc nearly 12 years, can not relate, or remember the concept of space, or pure blue skies, or what clean air smells like. Even as a child, clean air, in a post steel industry town is unfamiliar to me.

Stepping off the plane into the cool drizzly night, I was not sure I enjoyed the empty smell of nothing. The sudden change of environment, lavished in a few hours or spa bliss, I started to feel more adult and my decisions of not buying the shoe of the life time.



A moment of reality passed over me after a down payment on my 6 month layaway plan, that it was irresponsible and silly fantasy that wanted me to spend 500 that I do no have on boots. So alas, a few tears, and some encouragement from my friend, I was able to walk away. Not with out a good few minutes of feeling like shoes, are wonderfully full of mind masturbation orgasm filled sex. I guess not for everyone, but for me, these boots were.

The time I have been home has been filled with other activities of my grown up decisions and life. Realizing, that I am still me, although a more responsible version of me, and I don't mind that situation, has come to pass.

In some aspects it is sad to be growing up. The life I have created with Justin still being carved in a piece of alabaster (not with out a rough spot here and there) but also, doing grown up things like preparing to sell my car, transferring money from 401ks to IRAs, investing in stocks, working and happily working at my career. Actually feeling like I have a career and not just a cog in the wheel. In reality I may be just a cog, but i am a damn happy cog filled with ideas and goals to keep that wheel going. Happily shopping for my kitchen table and filled with fantasies of photo shoots and dinner parties by that kitchen table. Playing dress up and modeling for the Baroness at monthly latex parties (it also occurred to me recently, that those who are not even into fetish or from NY know who she is..) an MFA and art in my soul (despite my lack of work) a great hand for cooking and baking.

Childhood NYC dreams, teenage sex filled fetish desires, adult wants and needs all neatly packed in our 2 bedroom 3rd floor walk up apartment with hardwood floors and tons of windows. A long way I have come small child being chased by a doberman after school in over a foot of snow on Valentines Day in 2nd grade.

I know I live my dream. And I am glad for everything that has happened to get me here, but I wish I would have started pushing myself forward like this so much earlier. The taste of adult Independence has been a bitter sweet chocolate, and one that in the end I really like