i feel obligated to post something about this week. but all i can think about right now is where the tissues are because I keep sneezing and my head is all stuffy.

this week was an adventurous week to say the last. I feel I hit a few new mile stones in my life. I actually went out of the house, met up with people i only knew via email managed to go to a party and be myself to an extent that i didn't think was publicly possible, meet exactly what I was looking for, talk to them, and not be shit faced drunk or have a panic attack.

all in all it was excellent.

I will save the major details for a private post for myself but will publicly post more about my experience and emotions/opinions of the situation. For the most part it really isn't anyone business but its a big lifestyle acceptance thing for me that happened I am pleased and wouldn't mind publicly sharing it.

For one, I felt more positive about myself in a lesbian/bisexual/tv environment than I ever had in ANY public social situation.


What is this? I talked to people. I wasn't hesitant to be friendly. I showed off scars from piercing with out a second thought when I got involved in a conversation about nipple piercing. I walked around less than fully clothed proudly where I would have never in my thinnest or best attitude days even been in a wet t-shirt contest in front of a group of straight woman or men.

I spent a lot of time laughing and smiling. The ladies I attended with said I looked like I was having a fun time. I got to be the exhibitionist I am with out a feeling of threat because everyone there was either a exhibitionist or a voyeur and it was expected and ACCEPTED.

I felt proud to be me. And it felt wonderful. I haven't been me in such a public setting before I feel calmly happy. It is a general good feeling of hey I am not a freak and there are a lot of other people out there I can connect with.


I didn't have to drink myself or force myself to be social. I was just naturally social. I was naturally me. I wasn't nervous. And although there was an awkward moment it was only a brief moment. And although at the time I was unable to process everything, and there are moments that seemed surreal while I was experiencing them. Somewhat like an acid trip, I felt detached yet an active participant of the environment. i feel so happy that I can experience this and that it felt so good to be me outside of the 4 walls of our home.

So what have I been doing these past 10 years? Being that my first experience touching another female was more than 10 years ago, why have I had so few situations and have not encountered one in 9 years? What happened when I tried to be societies definition of normal for 6 of those years? Oh wait, I get it now I was unhappy and in an unhealthy, un accepting situation. And long island isn't exactly conducive to a lesbian lifestyle or a lot of bdsm and I was too sheltered to go out an explore these things, and I was in a situation where my then boyfriend was not supportive of me. And I don't think could have handled what I am really like. In some ways I think that part of him would not shocked by the things I do or really enjoy but something tells me he would have never supported me to explore these feelings because in the 6 years i was with him, I never got to. It is necessary to say that if he is reading this that I hope he has grown up and become less judgmental of people now because a lot of his views on sexuality repressed me to the point I was having trouble dealing with them myself and it caused major depression and self doubt.

I was the sucker who allowed someone to make me not be me. Really, it is my fault I stayed in that situation because I was afraid. And I don't blame him.I just wish I would have actually explored myself and left the unhealthy relationship when I was in college. I think I would have been a lot happier had I faced the reality years ago.

It's been a very emotional last 8 months of being open about my actual feelings of being dominant, my sexual preferences and fanaticized. Mostly because I have been afraid of accepting myself. My art work has played a major role and reflection about my emotional term oil. And sadly enough there is one professor in which I could not stand because he kept brining it to my attention and I kept denying it straight to his face. Yes, bondage has been a repetitive theme in my work for a year or so now - but I have used it to represent my repression in my job, maybe I have been using bondage to really represent the repression of myself against societies norm (using my job/career environment really my fears of not being able to accept myself. I spent spring semester making figures that no one understood but it was about my confusion of the both male and female qualities with myself. I don't know about you, but standing in front of 20 professors and starting that HEY I AM SEXUALLY CONFUSED!! I wear a strap on and enjoy it. I like men who wear skirt. I like people tied down. Isn't exactly something you have fully said to yourself except in the privacy of your own thoughts, or when your crying trying to explain everything going on inside your own head. let alone would I say it to a group of people. About 4 months ago I began painting what I wanted to. I would paint as I was to express myself that no other medium would allow me to. Androgynous, figured started to emerge, paintings of large sperm, rope and giant vibrators started to show up in everything. And what is better yet, I would talk about them during crit and not give a fuck what anyone thought about me.

I knew then I was accepting myself.

I don't know if it is that I felt ashamed because of my own preferences. I am obviously bisexual. I am in a healthy, happy, supportive and accepting hetro sexual relationship with justin in which I plan to continue being with and marring in a not so distant future. thankfully he understands me more than anyone I have ever met and doesn't want me to change or hide myself. I didn't think this would ever be possible, but it is.

In some ways I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel liberated.

And i know I can walk into this fall and really make work about these ideas because I can accept myself.