venting

i think i need a time out. Sent to my bed room to think about what I have done. or in that matter what I really need to think about becasue I am avoiding issues. A lot of issues. I really need to lose the 10 pounds I gained this fall. I dont like being this fat. Its disgusting.

The freaking phone keeps ringing. I am going to throw it out the window. And its not even my phone and its the wrong number. UGHHHH

I can't believe i was in NJ and drove all the way home only to find out RA was playing 10 min from the town I was in all day. I would have just hung out. I wanted to see them.

I just dont get this this. I dont get any of this shit at all.

"Someone let me out of my cage. I feel like I am going to scream.
The voices inside my head are killing me.
There's nothing I can see. Blinded hatred. My corruption. "
yeah i'll finish it someday.


I think it is working full time in a corporate environment that I am starting to stress about. I need out. I need to get into academia. I wish I wasn't so money hungry about my career. I really should have taken a year off or just went to grad school. I should move to france. I should just go. Its what I want. Theres nothing here for me.

I keep looking at pictures of me pre where I am at now and post destruction. There's something about me thats changed. I look so much older in my eyes. That look of innocence is really gone. The look of constant curiosity's about me is gone. I no longer look inquisitive. I no longer thirst for what I always have. I dont think i thirst for anything. The passion I thrived on for so long.