first (meaningful) paragraph of the month
Jan
getting home. standing in the bedroom unpacking and repacking to have the warmest arms wrap themselves around you and lips kiss the top of your head.
Feb
I process a lot of self-reflection on that trip. Somewhere, mid america, staring down at all that black nothing, my first trans continental journey, I felt so detached from the rest of the country. Being up in the sky for long periods, alone, middle of the night, in the pitch blackness, and the surreal feeling of 20 some hours awake, probably has that effect on many people. I remember looking down, knowing land was below and seeing nothing only the occasional glimmer of electric light humanity ant sized. I do not mean to say I felt lonely. But rather alone, in this large world. A sudden feeling of melancholy, wrapped up in pure black land. Never seeing it, this mid western suburban 'hood girl, who has been in the east coast world of suburban or urban nyc nearly 12 years, can not relate, or remember the concept of space, or pure blue skies, or what clean air smells like. Even as a child, clean air, in a post steel industry town is unfamiliar to me.
..
In some aspects it is sad to be growing up. The life I have created with Justin still being carved in a piece of alabaster (not with out a rough spot here and there) but also, doing grown up things like preparing to sell my car, transferring money from 401ks to IRAs, investing in stocks, working and happily working at my career. Actually feeling like I have a career and not just a cog in the wheel. In reality I may be just a cog, but i am a damn happy cog filled with ideas and goals to keep that wheel going. Happily shopping for my kitchen table and filled with fantasies of photo shoots and dinner parties by that kitchen table. Playing dress up and modeling for the Baroness at monthly latex parties (it also occurred to me recently, that those who are not even into fetish or from NY know who she is..) an MFA and art in my soul (despite my lack of work) a great hand for cooking and baking.
Childhood NYC dreams, teenage sex filled fetish desires, adult wants and needs all neatly packed in our 2 bedroom 3rd floor walk up apartment with hardwood floors and tons of windows. A long way I have come small child being chased by a doberman after school in over a foot of snow on Valentines Day in 2nd grade.
I know I live my dream. And I am glad for everything that has happened to get me here, but I wish I would have started pushing myself forward like this so much earlier. The taste of adult Independence has been a bitter sweet chocolate, and one that in the end I really like
March
the change from winter to spring is usually a smooth and happy transition, this year is no exception. the home front is much better. the long talks and reconciliation last week followed by the week apart gave us quite a wonderful day yesterday and what feels like a million more to come
April
so i am getting ready to go to work today. out there, on the line. this is a good experience for me. me, who hides behind a desk and computer
i should be doing my mop of hair.
instead i am sitting at the desk, looking outside a beach front hotel room staring at the sunrise and the bands of color over the water.
May
so my last post was jammed packed with excitable how happy i am stuff. since my birthday, it is not like i am not still excitable and happy, but just about every circumstance of my life has changed. (work/health/getting older/j)
June
seriously it has now been over 3 months of a promised promotion and a bunch of bullshit. no back, retro-active pay on this. working for free.
as of friday i lost faith in them in general. i am going to get fucked. which is why i have started looking for a job. I just am not sure i want to leave the airline yet. i like travel for free 2 times a month.
July
the beach at the inn: talk about no one there! it was awesome. it was outside of any hotel district. The snorkeling was great. ( I finally got a mask that fit me NO LEAKS!!!) I saw so many cool fish and some kind of sting ray i think. i am not too sure, it was kinda scary so i swam away from it.
AUG
i am only lazy about posting because many of my thoughts these days i want to be possessive of.
i want them to be only mine. does this say something about how i want to never leave my brain these days. that so many words i want to say, i hold in, if only because i am selfish.
SEPT
I am co-editing an anthology of autobiographical stories about when you first discovered your interest in kink – D/s, S/m, fetish, etc. – and how it affected you.
OCT
i drink some more. i watch this girl from the corner of my eye wondering why you would be in orlando on a wednesday. and what a bizarre fluke it would be if it were you. and i am here too. and my brain is foggy with rum and the smell of cloves is in the air and i am dancing my heart out on a floor i have never set foot on. meanwhile my friend hears my version of what happened. time passes.
NOV
Aside from this book in my life, it has been forcing me back out into old past times of mine that I stopped doing since I finished grad school. I needed a break. I needed to just live for awhile. No stress, no shows, no gallery submissions, no hiding alone in a studio working any waking moment I had. But now, that seems it is all I want to do. Well aside from spending any other free second I have with J. And of course the 3 days a week I spend running at the gym.
DEC
It was hard coming back to the cold weather. My body isn't happy with the cold at all, although my hair is much straighter here than it was in Aruba, it is less manageable.
posted by withoutaname @ 7:38 AM
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