skowhegan

2005-01-30
all 13 of my slides are cleaned up as ps images and ready to get sent to the photo place. I know 1 day processing is going to cost me a fortune. And I hope that the place returns my slides if I am not accepted.

my application is almost completed. I just need to fill in the slides I will use and I wont know that until tomorrow night when I pick up the slides on my way home from work. Hopefully they can process everything in 5 hours.

it is hard enough to even believe I am finishing grad school in a few months. (with the reward of PR my actual goal at the end of the tunnel) but the light is so bright its hurting my eyes since I am so close.

what is harder to think about is the fact I am even applying to a place like Skowhegan- thinking i have the chance to get in. it feels exciting and scary at the same time. so i don't think about it. it may to too overwhelming.

my weekend

how do you answer

i customized my new toy by making it cordless.

today i ate donuts, ate mcdonalds pciekd up my contacts and made my very first customized vibe.

I took this :

and removed the vibe that was inside it and replaced it creating this:

I have yet to play with it, but I am pleased with the conversion. The egg vibe I thought would be easier to remove than it actually was- but in the end I won and everything works. Although the vibe isn't as strong as I would like it to be, I am still pleased with getting the size and bendable angles with out the hassle of the cord.

Other than that, we went on a quest for Donut Planet n the LES today and I had my first square organic jelly donut ever. It will probably not be my last!

Its less than 2 weeks till Submit. I need to find something to wear!! and decide which shoes to wear too. And I dont know if I am going in the quest to top or bottom, I guess I should decide!

I think i need a nap.

signed sealed and almost delivered

13 May 05 701 New York, JFK 07:00am San Juan, PR 10:50am 0
17 May 05 704 San Juan, PR 7:55pm New York, JFK 11:40pm 0

am so tired, my eyes do nothing but burn and water and I was falling alseep in our weekly henhouse meeting.

let me sum it up for you:

hen 1: cluck cluck cluck cluck cluc
hen 2: brroockkkbrroocckkbroock broock
hen 1: CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK CLUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKK
hen 4: clkclkclk
hen 1: cluck cluck cluck


i think i am not going to school. I just want to go home and sleep. I dont have class. Actually I only wanted to go to this opening. but i think i am just going to go home.

its been one of those weeks

I overheard my boss talking trash about me. None of it was nice or accurate.
And it just reminds me why I cant wait to finish school and find a new job. or get accepted to this 2 month art residency in maine.

i feel really distant from everyone, specifically justin and i need to do a ton of work this weekend including my sketches for my installation. And the application for the above mentioned residency.

And I need to go put my check into my account so I have money

What year was it?

Fall 1993- Spring 1997

What were your three favorite bands?
Nine Inch Nails, Thrill Kill Kult, and Lords of Acid toward the end of my senior year I added Pantera

What was your favorite outfit?
I had this beautiful long black dress that was fitted through the top and was a-line skirt starting at this hips. It had buttons up the back. Sometimes I would wear it with a black waist cincher. 14 eyed docs. If it wasnt that it was my short silver skirt and black sweater.

What was up with your hair?
freshman year it was a chin length bob shaved 1/4 up the back and sides, dark rose or black. by 10th grade it was shaved 1/2 way up, bleached, dark rose, blue, purple or black. The angle was at about 75* (similar to my hair now just more severe of an angle) 11th grade it was longer still cut at an angle, black with steaks of color still shaved. 12 grade, it was brown and cut short in that 90's fashion.

Who were your best friends?
Dave and my dog of course

What did you do after school?
In 9th grade. Went home late and usually got in trouble. I was also still a band geek then. Around spring time that year I started hanging out with erica (ahh erica..*crush*) we'd smoke pot listen to music, drive around with her ttops off (and usually in our bras) and eat at perkins. In 10th grade, go home walk dog, eat mac and cheese and smoke or go to work at sizler after i hung out at the comic book shop with Bill for a few hours. Sometimes I'd be naughty and take the train somewhere adventerous with melissa or alone, hang out with dave or smokepot with the bad kids or trip. In 11th usually repeat of 11th grade unless Jan I smoked pot almost everyday, tripped a few times a month, hung out at the comic book store, and worked. Walk dog when I got home. Rest of 11th grade I would go to then boyfiends house, sometimes take the train or I would go to work at Friendly's or the garden store. In 12th grade. I got out at 11:30. Go home sit on internet, walk dog or go to work at one of many jobs, drama club in thr fall. or go to said boyfriend shouse or hang out with friends at hofsta when he was in class.

Where did you work?
Grabndpas office - data entry
Sizzler- food bitch
Friendly's- ice cream wench
Arcadian Gardens- plants cake taker cat feeder register
Don Ricardos- hostess (12 bucks an dhour plus tips!!)
Gardener on estate

Did you take the bus?
no i was always a walker (mommy drove me, friends drove me home)

Who did you have a crush on?
who didnt I! 9th grade- erica and dave who ended up engaged then erica again
10th grade- lisa maybe that was 11th grade. todd. I think I also crushed on karla when i met her. brian he went to college the year after and puffed up like a baloon.
11th - lisa. jay (i will never be interested in short guys again) some other kid I dont remember his name but I worked with him and we went to dinner one night and it wasnt a date (i was in a relationship) but I definfitly had the hots for him.
12th- i was in a relationship but I had this crush on jenn slattery. man i crushed on her so bad that year I even remember her last name. Big tits, big eyes, blonde hair, long island all the way, she was a trasnfer student in my homeroom. Dave (best friend) was also in my homeroom and came in looked at her wispered to him that I'd never be late again. Man I forgot about her..

Did you fight with your parents?
between 9-11 grade all we did was fight. The last fight i had with my mom was december 96 before xmas. My dad the arguments went on until july 02.

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?
ummm no one really.

Did you smoke cigarettes?
yes. 9-11 grade.

Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?
i kept my books in my artroom cubby since i was mostly there all the time. I didnt go to class, so I didnt carry books

Did you have a 'clique'?
I mostly hung out with nerdy people or the few goth/industrial kids. usually they were on in the same.

Did you have "The Max" like Zach, Kelly and Slater?
not that i went to.

Admit it, were you popular?
I wasnt popular in a good way. I was always written about in the bathrooms and insulted and called slut and lesbian. I had a lot more fun than most of those kids - and the girls just wanted to sleep with me anyway why else would shit get written about me in the GIRLS room. Everyone knew me, I run into people still now and they remember me- I dont remember them.

Who did you want to be just like?
i have no idea

What did you want to be when you grew up?
artist and i still do.

Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?
My junior year my pshyc teacher said to me "dont worry you'll get everything you want including your white picket fence and you'll do it your way and nothing with stop you. " So I am where I think I should be

Tue, Jan. 25th, 2005 02:27 pm

wooohooo. We are going to go to PR the weekend after graduation! I am so excited I can not wait!!! for the 2 of us the tix are about 400 bucks to fly. And I am stuck between 2 hotels to stay in. I would rather one with a pool since I love to swim so much but there is a decently priced BnB with a jacuzzi (Which is also a pride friendly place for those who care) The places with the pools and everything cost more a night. But the BnB is about 70 bucks a night and 2 blocks from the beach and VERY well decorated! I can not wait. I just now need the financial aid check to book that flight :)

"we are not able to offer you a position. We will, however,
keep your record on file here and will contact you if there is a better
fit down the road as we grow."

so i didnt get the job. I wasted to 2 days off already this year and no job. I guess it means I dont get to take a day in Feb or March unless I actually get sick or plan the day off ahead of time. but I *should have 4 vacation days I need to use before april or get approved to carry over into the new year. But it isnt like I wont use them, i have school and my installtion to attend to.

And I wont get to meet Dro or Dottie for lunch! because I will still be working on long island. BOO. but it does making attending nights at school and meetings easier. And I dont have to worry about a pay cut. Or taking days off. Or if I have to leave early. and in april i will have 15 days off, plus 4 i carry, plus 7 sick 2 floating and one personal.

again iam going to be be late for work - I was looking at porn. porn is good.

Fri, Jan. 21st, 2005 08:29 am

THIS comes out this week on DVD and it sounds hot! I am thinking of maybe having a soriee with tastey foods to watch the movie. Let me know if any one is interested! Catherine Breillat's ANATOMY OF HELL The central preoccupation of Catherine Breillat's work is women's sexuality. As Breillat says, "I take sexuality as a subject, not as an object." She published her first novel when she was just 17 years old. Ironically, the book was banned in France for readers under the age of 18 because of its explicit and transgressive sexual content. She began making films in 1975 with Une Vraie Jeune Fille, which was banned for 25 years for similar reasons. Breillat's films are uniquely concerned with a woman's understanding of her own sexuality and they consistently push beyond the limits of acceptability. Based on "Pornocratie," Breillat's 2001 novel, Anatomy of Hell explores the regions of women's bodies and sexuality that have been characterized throughout thousands of years of Western mythology as monstrous, excessive, unsightly, smelly, repulsive. The inquiry takes a brutally simple premise: a beautiful woman (Amira Casar) invites a man (Rocco Siffredi) who loathes women to spend some time with her. She will pay him to watch, she says, "where I'm unwatchable." Four successive nights in a country house transpire in distinctly formal terms. He arrives at the chateau and proceeds to the appointed room. She is naked on the bed; he sits in a chair (mostly). A film about knowledge, Anatomy of Hell, asks the question, "On what was this terror founded?" - Kay Armatage. (France, 2004, 80 min., color)

a long time ago justin wrote a journal entry in which i never understood.We had just met when he wrote this. and somehow, today I wanted to hear the song he typed. So I walked down to mis and downloaded nick cave, which is not really something i ever thought i would download.

yet somehow, almost 2 years after the fact, i understand what those words mean and how much i feel them and why he wrote them when he did. and how he has always felt about me. i am in love with him more now than I ever could have imagined.

(more to come..not enough time to type it all...)

Thu, Jan. 20th, 2005 10:20 pm

inspired by dro - plan and book a vacation for may 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16 to a warm island in the atlantic with beaches and sunshine and fruity drinks - save money - not eat out so much - lose 20 more pounds for said vacation - work out 2 -3 times a week. besides walking - take vitimins - kick ass with my thesis - work on 2 installtions: specificlly the period one and the child photograph one - work on thesis installation - perfrom more - make web site burlesque promotion - have good pics taken - graduate - take belly dance lessons again - get new job after school is over - snuggle justin more - turn things in at school on time like forms and stuff - take medications - stop eating dairy at least so much of it - kepp not smoking - do dishes more often - clean out fridge more often - waste less - shop less - clean closet - buy new bedding

i met up with don for fries and a coke last night by his job. it was actually really great to see him. It is nice that you know who your friends are and that if you dont see each other for a long time ( i think the last time I saw him was at his wedding last may) you still manage to keep up with each other and when you finially do see each other it is like nothing ever changed. I have a few friends like that. I see once a year but have known longer than a decade. I miss them all very much but its ok - because when i do see them i always have a great time and they are always happy for you or there for you or what ever for you becasue they know you really well. And also make fun of you.

fuck it is pouring out and I just put on a skirt.

things in my head are claming down. if i get the job - good if i dont or it isnt enough money whatever. I drempt last night that the offer was 39500, which isnt enough and i had to turn them down. I would be amused if it was the sameoffer they give me. I should hear from them today. I got email from the potential new boss on wednesday that they needed my references and yesteday my references told me that they contacted them via email. Which amsues me becasue the new boss guy isnt very social. He is kinda a lit geek - I am so used to salespeople that it will be an adjustment.

I ran my stockings with seems the last time i wore them so now i need to be super careful putting them on and using nail polish so i can wear em one last time. Thank god the run is on the thigh and my skirt is below the knee. I am rocking the 40's maybe 50's look today. My bob is all wavey (ughh rain) and i am wearing a light green cardigan with a pretty green brooch my mommy got me.

for the abiguous post on things. my mom is definfitly comming around in a very good way. and my dad has no clue. moms are so good for secrets.

thoughts

it is almost overwhelming all these possibilities of new expiernces begining and secure expiernces ending.

I have been waiting for this semster since I started graduate school. I can not belive it is finially here. 9 credits left. A lot of debt. Less than 4 months and I will be walking down an aisle with my fancy black gown and the really cool hat that graduate students get to wear. i think MFA is brown on the trim color but I dont remember. I guess within the next few weeks I will find out. I need to actually go to school drop off my thesis along with register for graduation. I havent done a stich of work over break. I really needed some mental time off. I have been working so hard for so long and all these amazing things are comming to pass.

I know I dont have the job yet. I am interviewing for the second time today. Which is amazing. Finding a job in the city is so hard. I hope it is enough money. I finically can not cut it with under 44, 000. Too much debt too many bills and too much responsibility. If I do get the job- I am counting down to the day I can sell my car. Which would be about 500+ a month in which I wouldnt have to spend.

We talked about moving yesterday. I dont know why - both of us know home is in NY. But I am getting antsy. Maybe On the Road effected me more than I am willingly admitting to. For the first time in my life I am not going to be tied down to school- I guess this is why I want to go somewhere so bad. Philly is close enough to not be far away. It is still in a city although smaller and cheaper. But I dont think we would be happy anywhere but here. However, there is chat about CA. It warm there but I have a fear of earthquakes I would have to get over. I guess my feelings are i need to be somewhere there is an art scene, a fun sexually liberal town along with public transporation. That means we are kinda limited. Maybe I'll figure out how to move is to Paris and live in my dream.

I promised Justin I would clean up the apartment this weekend and I didnt. So I plan on spending most of today making things neater and doing laundry. I have a giant pile of mess that I need to put into the closet. I am such a slob. I guess I am just scatter brained with so much going on in my life.

this is my first interview for a job that isnt as a designer. its as an advisor to students who want to be designers. HA- i should tell em i have talent kid- i was you one day in the past- be a secratary- you wont work as hard their will be less deadlines and 10 pm nights and you'll make more and be able to move anywhere - your art degree is a waste.

anyway I am nervous. i have been kinda tummy nervous all night. I probably shouldnt go have coffee

the commute is easy the L to the 1/9 to 28th (i think the stop is 28th) its right on that line. 20 min.. just what i want

i have to piss again

i feel like i am going to perfrom somewhere since I am in a skirt and jacket moneky suit with heels and nicely done hair and makeup. At least I didnt add glitter but I do have on stockings I danced in so they might have glitter specks

see ya later kids.

Fri, Jan. 7th, 2005 03:02 pm

i tried to flirt with this girl at the coffee bar and i just dont have any skills with girls with piercings and red streaks when in a dark blue lawyer suit. but she was cute. I will have to visit justin for lunch more often if i can see the cute girl when when I do so the interview went so well I am going back monday for a 2nd. They called about an hour and a half after i left to ask me to come back. They also asked when I could start- and i said 2 weeks upon notifacation to my current employer. hmm being home is nice