1. my right boob and thigh is slightly smaller than my left but my left foot is way smaller than my right.
2. my outside shell is no where as thick as i radiate
3. i really wanted to drive off into the forest, hit a big tree and never go back to work while i worked for that bitch- i had a shrink just to keep me sane that I met ever Wednesday at lunch for nearly 2 years
4. but I got that shrink when i was assigned to work for that asshole manager "JB" who would get pissy over clock-in time of 8:01.
5. I really love the people i work with now
6. i received legal papers for a $100 that I owed said shrink, for an appointment that I didn't know I had because they did not call to confirm. the office manager never told the dr, but I did.
7. sometimes, i think i would make an amazing parent but i worry about j not being able to handle it as i would want him to
8. i have trouble falling asleep at night in bed unless j spoons me, kisses my right shoulder and says good night
9. i need to sleep with the closet doors shut, otherwise i have bad dreams
10. when i am in a hotel alone, i have been known to check under the bed, in the closet and behind the shower curtain just to make sure no murder/ess waits for me
11. i am terrified of being out in the 'middle of no where' at night driving alone and getting killed by a serial killer
12. i hate going to the dr, because every time i do- it is determined that i have another medical issue which makes me feel like a hypochondriac.
13. i saw hard core porn for the first time at age 7
14. i started looking at the sexual gender sections of medical books when i was about 4 or 5
15. i had the periodic table memorized by age 2
16. i could read by age 3 and i read the secret garden at age 5 with my grandma - she would read a chapter and i would read one every night at bed time
17. i hated kindergarten because at the end of the year i wasn't 'talented enough' to sing or dance at graduation but i was expected to read in front of 300 or so people. i had no fear of the public scrutiny but i was disappointed because i wasn't like the other kids.
18. in first grade i made friends with mary and zach (who later was gay) and stopped talking to them because they were different and poor and I was tired of being labeled 'different' in 4th grade and i still feel awful about this.
19. i never made fun of them even after i stopped socializing with them
20. i didn't really have friends aside from them, and Erin who lived up the street until 7th grade
21. by 8th grade i developed a taste for vodka 7's
22. the summer between 8th and 9th grade- i bribed the neighbor kid Ted who i had a crush on to eat me out
23. i hated band camp, although public knowledge, marching band, band camp and those people ruined my love for music and playing the flute- something I had been doing for 7 years by 10th grade.
24. i studied flute under someone who sat 1st chair in an orchestra (although a local one)
25. i received 'most dramatic' along with a gay guy my senior year even tho I had only been in one play
26. i cried every single day after school during grade school because I was so lonely and different than the other kids
27. i started my period at Sea World
28. the summer before 6th grade, (period summer) I bought school clothes with Zebra's and another flowers and crocheted lace trip from JC Penny's kid 's section and i wore the flowered outfit to school on the first day and never felt so childish in my life. that night my mom and grandma took me to the mall to buy 'teen' clothes from 5-7-9 and makeup. but i always feel sad when i think about it because it was my true loss of any innocence.
29. i had a crush on BV for nearly 2 years and was used (first kisses usually don't include other sexual activities) and decided i hated that feeling
30. the first dominant tendency i remember showing was in 1st grade when i was tired of my friend Mat being at my house and I told me my mom that Mathew had to go home now I was done playing. And I expected him to leave.
31. i liked playing betting card games as a young kid (3 and 4) and also could play a mean game of pinochle by age 5
32. living with my grandparents and my mom made me extremely mature for a young person, a trait i still carry
33. i wanted to be an archaeologist when i was 4 and i still can not spell the word correctly
34. a dream i got a glimpse at during college and grad school with all my art history courses
35. i have wasted talents as follows (in no particular order some of which i use but not enough):
- art history
- massage/healing skills
- listening to and tolerance of people's sexual lives
- graphic design
- cooking
- painting
- the ability to relate to others
- memory
36. If i had been more intelligent in math i would have gone into forensic science or physics.
37. I would have made a really talented healer/physician
38. i still can't admit to my parents my sexual orientation
39. i feel guilty doing this at work, but continue to do this anyway
40. i wish i had more alone time at home aside from when i work from home
41. i periodically spend my day off cleaning the house like a crazy person
42. i hate cleaning because i quickly become OCD and will scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with bleach for 3 or 4 hours
43. when i am upset i have to put on chap stick
44. i counted stairs for a very long time
45. i fear i will have a joint flair up situation and don't live my life as i would like to because something might trigger it
46. i love the people i work with and many of them have become extended family
47. i do not travel as much as I would like to
48. I wish j would be more spontaneous about travel
49. i am really sick of this project i am working on, this will be the unknown count of changes after the fact of completion
50. i am afraid i will be abandoned by my partner after many years of commitment and too old to attract anyone interesting, without children, disease, or weird hangups about being single
51. i really wish i could just pay off my student loans the debt is an awful feeling of regret handing over me
52. i joke around about getting a large inheritance but the dark side of me wishes it were true because said loans can not be paid on my current salary
53. I worry that i am not always appreciated as much as i think i should be
54. i need more sex and more love making in general
55. i am being neater around the house because i know j is making effort to better himself too
56. working out is one of my favorite things to do
57. i wish i could dance all the time.
58. i wish j liked to dance because i think dancing is awesome and wonderful and i love it
59. i would love to be 114 pounds again, but just don't think it is possible
60. i have learned to love me for who i am not the weight i am at but still work hard to keep thinking i look good
61. i hope that i dont have to give up gluten products and am dreading the test next week
62. i am far more spoiled now by my parents than i was as a kid
63. i sometimes have urges to tell people what i really think about them - good or bad- and wish I didn't always follow those urges so much
64. i hope that j knows how much i love him
65. although i wish he did more house work and was more open minded/open to activity and social
66. i am trying to be realistic in all areas of my life but i dream that j is my 'one'
67. i should have went to japan when i had the chance
68. i should have spent time backpacking through Europe
69. i wish i was more carefree and could really pick up and move to France
70. i obsessively clean the house when anyone comes to visit
71. i sometimes feel lonely and alone and it sucks
72. i have mini-existential crisis when i go running which results in said alone feeling but determining that i am ok with this.
73. i love eating and cooking as much as i love sex
74. i can give great advice about sex toys
75. i have more vibes than i can count but only use 1 trusty purple one
76. i adore traveling alone
77. i even like eating fancy meals in expensive restaurants lone acting aloof and snobbish
78. i really don't like dolls or masks and they are just creepy to me
79. i still sleep with stuffed animals and talk to them in my head when i am sad - they probably know more about me than me. good think they can't talk!
80. i can fake a good mood to anyone until someone i know asks me what's wrong
81. someone made me feel that crying was for the weak and i believed him for years but think he was full of shit now
82. said person also treated me like shit and i was stupid to stay around, and care for him and his family
83. i am not bitter about said person, but realize that i would have been happier without them and should have been more honest with myself
84. i am the happiest i remember being, but i still feel other emotions, so I guess the right way to put it is I am the most emotional balanced i have ever been
85. I want to work for the people who do the bk commercials but j wont move to south florida right now, i am hoping to convince him otherwise in a few years
86. one day i will live in the carib.mexico and own my spa/b&b
87. i still cannot eat vegetables with cheese wiz or think about them and not feel sick after the eating contest with one pound of broccoli i had with my dad in 5th grade
88. my favorite comic strip when i was still small was Far Side
89. spelling is not my strength but i think i would be more successful in my career if i was just a tad bit better
90. i genuinely like the people i chose to be in my life and hope i continue to build relationships like these
91. i frequently have the circus song or the i dream of jeanie song playing on repeat in my head
92. i have odd psychic moments and dreams that happen
93. my favorite sound is when it is late at night out after a snow storm and no one is outside and i am the first person to walk in the snow
94. and i love being surrounded by the beauty of nature and i am enamoured by it.
95. i have really dark and gruesome dreams, they are less frequent now but still happen- and i tend to wake up crying or intensely afraid
96. i hardly dream that i am myself, but they are always in color and have audio sometimes even in french or japnese
97. i dreamt in color form once and it was amazing
98. i don't think i tell all the people i care about in my life how much they mean to me frequently enough
99. i wish i took more time out for myself to go things life get manicures and massages although I try to go once a month for something to make me feel physically cared for by myself
100. i watch nature while i live in the city and i know when the birds start to congrate before migation, when they return and the stuble turn from each season.
101. i am proud of who i am and what i have achieved thus far in life and hope to always feel this way even in times or trouble, sadness and disappointment
