posted in fabian's comments

by me
"see i feel the same way about sleeping boys....
seem so close and warm
so unhurt
like children
eyelashes flutter against cheeks
soft corners of mouths no hurtful words no betraying
things so different when awake
dreams not there
clouded by walls built
betrayal so natural in the waking world
missing softness the innocence of the heavy breath
closed eyes
and stolen kisses. "

I am really torn with silent memories which seemed to last forever

And the harsh truthful reality of not wanting those silent memories to return with you.

I dont want what I had, I know why I am angry.
I am angry not because I miss you. Or not because you left. But that friends do not betray friends like that.

Denial, anger, bargining, depression, acceptence

Do they have to happen in that order??

It seems I have done it in a different order- unless that is I am still on Phase 2 after 6 months. And I have accepted it was over but I have not forgiven, or have I stopped being angry.

denial was the first 3 months. Depression was actually next- and it was very brief for me. I dont miss someone who caused me pain. I actually dont miss any of the happiness he gave me. I understand in some sense why he wanted out of the relationship. You can't beat a dead horse. Well, you can but nothing else will be accomplished. The relationship was worn out. It wasn't fruitful

What I dont understand was all the betrayal. So much betrayal from someone who was in life for such a long time. I dont even care about him anymore. But then why do I care about him not being direct open and honest with me. Fuck I deserved that. I freaking deserved something more than being told what i was told. People are fucking assholes.

I am pretty pissed off. For some reason, it is really coming to surface. It started to poke it's ugly head a few weeks back. But now all of a sudden I am so blatantly angry

I have to go to a meeting

ughhh i want to go to my home and sleep

candy inspired post

i made the mistake of putting tons of candy on my desk for others to come eat. I KEEP EATING IT. I am going to get fat.

I am eating for the satisfaction of instant gratification

Shit head comes home today

I hate people who fucking betray you. I am actually really angry again. I guess because I have to deal with what I need to say now.

I have a lot I need to say. Not out of angry. But out of honesty, and the fact if I dont say it I will bottling it up inside for forever.

I really fucking hate betrayal.
how ever, I really like this candy.

moments in time

i remember so much. so clear. So feeling like it was forever. That every moment was just apart of the series. There were parts that seemed to matter more. those parts that seemed to be what made up forever. the other parts, the ones that caused the pain always seemed to vanish as quickly as they began. The fire beneath the passion. what seemed to keep the spark alive is what killed. but they seem to be all that I can remember. That is exactly all that transpired between us that last year. and thats actually why I have no feelings. and so few memories.

its odd how one song at the right time, one smell that passes through the cold air can bring in so many memories-flooded. eyes that gazed so deeply in your soul. Why is it that most of the time I have forgotten. probably because there were so few times that they happened. I just dont think you ever felt as deeply about me as I did about you. Actually, I know this for sure.
All those years, not wasted but learned. Learned that one moment all you think is real- isn't. And that whats left of me now, is what was there before you. You never touched my soul deeply enough to change me forever. I am who I have always been, only she was hidden from you. At least you never touched me there. You never knew me. You only knew parts of me. Some of those parts more real than I am willing to admit. Selfishly I hid, knowing you would one day leave. But you knew me in otherways so well. In ways no one else ever will. You stole and raped my innocence. My trust. You bastard. I am who I am because of me. Not you. All you did was take advantage of me of the fact I wanted to be happy. Go fuck who ever you want, its not like she will ever give as much as I did.

Why is it that none of those moments even come out anymore. So long ago was that night when time stood still. that was really the last time time stood still in your arms. there were only a handful of nights that lasted forever. why is that? I tried to express how deep my emotions actually ran. I think that they never really existed now.

these tears that fall
dont know why
moonlight once glistened upon soft silken skin
gone
perfect form
now someone else's dream
reality
forever forlorn
just to see

snow falls
now i awake
empty dream gone
thats mine to hold
as she holds you

hair fallen into my eyes yours
once i smiled
hair falls into my eyes mine
now i weep

i didnt think i still remembered what it felt like
to be apart of someone
something
that was ever lasting
ties that bound
broken
never to wrap wrist to wrist again

bounds that last forever
were only there for me

i hate you
what youve done
what you said
what you broke

I hate you so fucking much
I dont even care anymore

I know what your doing right now
because i was there
not now but then

and whats left is me

astute comments

am finally through my creative block? But why? What has caused the bridge between myself and I that separated about a year ago? Or was it before that? I lost the desire to do anything creative sometime last year. I was deeply involved in my research, so deeply that I didn't see the emotional separation that was occurring. Recently, I went out for a night with the camera, and now, the block seems to be diminishing so quickly. One single night, a few decent images taken, and thats all that it took. I can remember the moment that it lifted, this block, this dead weight on my chest. It was also a moment I realized something that I didnt know yet, that I still don't know now, and that I am still in avoidance of discovering. But yesterday I realized I had a grounding again. Maybe I needed to sit in my own for a while. Everything in my life is going so good right now. After 23.5 years I finally feel apart of myself. Is it the fact that I feel happiness again, that I no longer feel shrouded with my own thoughts? Is it that I feel grounded toward someone or something? Is it that I finally accept who I am for what I am and that I have become the person I have always been that was just hidden by someone who was not good for me? Is it the idea of having a muse who could drive my work into a new level? Artists need muses; I need some grounding somewhere other wise I would drift in smoke across the sky. Which, is what I have been doing. Is it that I have found one? Is this just a temporary answer to a solution that will never be found? I should have known something in my last relationship was amiss, I stopped painting. I could only communicate via video and performance and theory and thoughts of art- but even then I felt lacking. I didnt feel complete in my art. I used to thrive on my creativity, my ideas, my desire to communicate to the depths of the soul who feels how I feel. Even to create an emotion in someone, anger, confusion, hatred, love- MY visual communication that spawns the primal emotional Jungian threads that connects us all as humans. Am I my own muse that keeps me fresh? Can one person be that muse? Can one emotion be that muse? Can one anything cause the desire to create again? Can one have so many muses that keep us going in creation? Then why is it I can suddenly work again? Was it one event? Was it a series of moments that has gotten me where I am able to create again? Could it be that it is having no muse at all but the idea of such? Is it similar to being in love with the idea of love- to create with the idea of one muse, or all the muses in my life? Do I even have any muses? Have I finally come to terms with everything and being able to handle it all; the 2 worlds in which I live in, the 2 worlds in which I balance to delicately. Is there a 3rd world in which I do not even being to share that I retreat into that carries me so carefully, that transports the ideas inside my soul?

My art is now complete with me again and I am now complete with it.

Maybe its just mindtiwst, 10 cent wings, and corona. Hey if its working why make changes?

7 years

where was I 7 years ago? what was I doing? I think i must have sat in a pair of jncos airwalks and a babytee in front of a computer in my living room. Probably online rpging something or other. Actually i think i can remember exactly where i was. I remember sleeping late, it had snowed a lot that early winter. My relationship with my parents sucked. I was failing out of high school. I wasnt sure who me was. I was smoking up multiple times a day and tripping out almost once a week. yet i found my art important. i wanted to be close with my mom. I wanted to feel happy. Inside and out. I wanted to be an artist. I was dating the asshole before I met fuckface. Yea they all have names.

So I sit 7 years later. In a pair of mac-gears a babytee and funky shoes in front of a computer in my room. Listening to Bush getting ready to go film. Becasue I am the artist I wanted to be. I dont smoke or trip anymore. In a way the temporary relase of beer has replaced it when I need to escape. As has plane tickets, foreign counties and choch chip cookie dough ice cream.
My mom still lectures me. Something about my parking tickets. But shes my friend now. I know her as a person. Mydad and I still have the same rocky relationship. Its getting better but we still fight about everything.

I dont know if am am as happy as i wanted to be. But I worked my ass off to be where I am. Which gives me a sort of satisfaction, and in someway happiness.

Fuck face did a lot for me. Some good some bad. But what I know is that for those years I was with him- I wasnt really me. He never met all of me. I hid the girl in the big pants and tshirt from him. He knew her only briefly. He saw her momentarily on Monday the first time we saw each other basically since that day. I dont regret hiding because he didnt take that from me like he did everything else. But he saw parts of me I know no one will ever know. Because she has been buried beneath what I find comfort in. Which is who i was before i ever met him.

I think I cry now mostly for me. For all the innocence I lost. For not ever wanting to trust anyone again. For missing the soft touch lying next to someone waking up. The long warm nights. I dont want to ever love someone again And I think thats mostly my problem. Because a long with love comes trust and I dont think I could ever trust anyone at least not like I had trusted him.

it's been over a year

not that i had sex, but since i posted in this damn thing. Its been 4 months since the exes thing is anyone is counting other than myself. I am sure many of you will hear about me exploits when I meet a cute boy who I actually find acceptable ^_- BTW, I took the quiz in raven's journal and I am ....


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla


Wow isn't that a f-ing surprise Alhough Raven is probably convinced I would be in bondage porn, that swing does sound fun.

Well my freaking ankle hurts like hell. I am going to go to the dr tomorrow. I have watched so many movies I am bored out of my mind. I am going to watch battle royal in a bit, then i'll watch initial D (car anime) when ever I feel the need to change to animation rather than people.

Fabian got me started on thinking about posting on this thing again. So here I am.

Since the last post, yes I have a new job. And yes I am happy. I also finished my BFA, got into grad school, became single (woohoo par-tay!)

So now I am going to go eat something because I am starved. I got a new desk today but i can't assemble it yet .. grrr