another night
another beer
my hand still empty
thought lost
another chance gone
my head still empty
dream broken
look forgotten
my heart again bleeds.

only because it is funny

UGHHHH 8 fucking months and I still dont have my stuff back

AND THE FUCKING ASSHOLE HANGS UP ON ME.

I hope his dick falls off in some rice or something.

i am thankful for.

the fact my knees are no longer the size of my thighs

for drink alot pass out. dipsite headache and drive home

advil

black fridays open stores at 6 am

my new pants

advil

and a bunch of other crap that I will probably forget to mention

But I am thankful for all the people in my life who have helped me through such a hard year. New friends, old friends and friends who only were there to help me forget by making me laugh or distracting my mind long enough. People who will never know how I really feel about them. I try and tell my close friends often what they mean to me. Sometimes I forget to say and try and compensate with things that might not be as kind as saying. Yo bizatch i <3 u. But just remember that a day doesn't pass where my thoughts and heart thank those around me for everything they have done or will done.

it said drink alot,passout...

IT DID NOT SAY WAKE UP WITH A POUNDING HEADACHE was part of the package deal.

I know i wasnt drunk when driving home because the post drunk head pouding had already started.
but i did make a ton of noise upon entering the house ^_^ and I do have a wicked headache.

Lats night is a blur in my mind. I would say that I had fun :) but i was soo mellow last night. I was even mellow for my most mellow nights.


Allison next time I am not driving out there :P

on a positive note

since i have been such a whiny bitch lately

i spoke to my dr last night and we can cancel out lupus and gout. Whic leaves... pretty much inconclusive blood work to why my body hates me. She started talking about some kind of rheumatoid arthritis that doesnt show up in blood work.
but hey, I dont have to quiet eating meat and drinking beer.

And on a really cool note I am coming out to play tonight :) Someone better call me and tell me whats up. I get out of work at 2 ish. yeah! And I went clothes shopping :) SO I have new pants. they rock.

AND THERE'S SNOW OUTSIDE ^________________________________________________^

woohoo snow. and a half day from work.

translation

Like a driven wave,
Dashed by fierce winds on a rock,
So am I: alone
And crushed upon the shore,
Remembering what has been.

they took all the fluid out of my right knee today. things looks crapy. there is so much on my mind I dont even want to begin writing it.

Fuck super man.
and fuck lois lane while I am at it.

Kaze o itami
Iwa utsu nami no
Onore nomi
Kudakete mono o
Omou koro kana

if you ask maybe I shall tell.

in response to where the f* is shana

i am quickly writing. Since I have been stuck in bed and unable to move for 2 days. If you want details of whats wrong call. I dont like talking about it. but human contact is very welcome. Bad for someone who likes to be out all the time to be stuck in one room for days now. No I am not vomiting or with a fever. i will hopefully see more drs today. For the most part it seems the worst is over.

pins...

i think someone has a little voodoo doll of me and sticks it with pins and this week they decided to make my joints swell up. My knees look like they belong to a 500 pound fat woman.

If anyone reads this I dont think I will be coming out to play tonight. Or anytime this weekend. I think I will not be going to see Ra either. I think I want to crawl into my bed and take pain killers to get rid of the pain. And watching movies. I thin I'll watch brotherhood of the wolf this evening and watch battle royale for the 50th time tomorrow

venting

i think i need a time out. Sent to my bed room to think about what I have done. or in that matter what I really need to think about becasue I am avoiding issues. A lot of issues. I really need to lose the 10 pounds I gained this fall. I dont like being this fat. Its disgusting.

The freaking phone keeps ringing. I am going to throw it out the window. And its not even my phone and its the wrong number. UGHHHH

I can't believe i was in NJ and drove all the way home only to find out RA was playing 10 min from the town I was in all day. I would have just hung out. I wanted to see them.

I just dont get this this. I dont get any of this shit at all.

"Someone let me out of my cage. I feel like I am going to scream.
The voices inside my head are killing me.
There's nothing I can see. Blinded hatred. My corruption. "
yeah i'll finish it someday.


I think it is working full time in a corporate environment that I am starting to stress about. I need out. I need to get into academia. I wish I wasn't so money hungry about my career. I really should have taken a year off or just went to grad school. I should move to france. I should just go. Its what I want. Theres nothing here for me.

I keep looking at pictures of me pre where I am at now and post destruction. There's something about me thats changed. I look so much older in my eyes. That look of innocence is really gone. The look of constant curiosity's about me is gone. I no longer look inquisitive. I no longer thirst for what I always have. I dont think i thirst for anything. The passion I thrived on for so long.

so much can be said about how people smile and what is behind it. Sometimes I miss seeing someone smile at me and me being behind what makes them smile.

insert thought provoking title here

there comes a point in one's life in which you just realize it is the same patterns that repeat themselves. The only thing changing is the circumstances, the people and how you react.

Those reactions, how you hold yourself are what marks changes, and in essence, growth. And growth signifies age, and maturity.

Events have lead me to believe, like the dress I wore 3 years ago to Lamore's, and wore again last evening have signified a chapter in which has ended in my life. Conversations, observations and reactions are what made me realize the change within myself.

I am not longer the little girl who used to be so hurt and naive.

I have accepted the growth and change within myself, finally. Watching myself last evening from a 3rd person point of view is proof that I am still the same person. However, the same person has come to point in their life where they accept themselves for who they are. And forgive others for the choices they make. And no longer care to get angry over actions that others make. Because after all, they are not you, do not think like you, do not hold the same standards as you. They see things through their eyes, and probably never stop to think what it is like through yours. I am fortunate enough to now be able to see differently. And I am proud of the change that has occurred inside of me, because it allows me to see myself more clearly, and see others as just human. And actions although I used to be so angry about, and trust that always felt so betrayed, is nothing. I have come to accept people 's behavior on the whole. And certain things no longer anger me, where 6 months ago they would have.


in reality life is like water, always changing, always moving, never staying the same. Chance come to pass and never travel under the same bridge. In moments things pass and if your lucky, you make under a few bridges before your set off in another direction.

If I remember correctly in old Celtic religion, this passing day was the start of the new year. May things end and begin as always. Harvesting from the growth when deemed nessecary. And enjoying it when it comes to pass

burr

asleep mess at 1 am and decided to drive home. Not thinking to call anyone. Thinking my friends left me to freeze to death passed out in my car in some parking lot. I stayed in my car till somewhere close to 1:30 trying to decide if I were capable of driving home. No sign of anyone, and most of the left over remainder cars were now gone. I decided to drive home at that point.

About 10 min later,Fabien's calling me wondering where the hell I am at.

I am an ass. I never thought to call them. I forgot that I was going to drive people home. I totally don't remember that.

So here is the formal written apology for those who read my lj. Guys I am sooo sorry. I thought I was left there, and it turned into the other way around. I am soooo sorry. I can not apologize enough.