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scientific emotional hypthosis

So my hypothesis is that- It is possible for one person striving to live in a self created perfect world to find another trying to create a harmonious world of nature. And that if the right two people are creating compatible worlds- a connection will be made between the two individuals and a third plane of existence will be created, while maintaining outer realms of the original seperate worlds.

The difficult part- is finding the right person who is trying to create a world comprised of similar ideas, morals, wants actions and desires. Key thought not the same because the same could not co-exist in space and time.


And this is how I view relationships. Which is much more refined version of what I tried to explain a few weeks ago to james at the village way.

my ranting post of the day

i wonder, after i speak to my friends, what makes things so hard for everyone to find someone? I have friends who want someone who's cute has a nice smile and is nice. Or friends who want someone who are fun make them laugh and are supportive. Why do I have to have a mile long list of things I want. Just naming a few Cant be short. Cant be unfit, cant be unintelligent, has to like heavy music, has to like shows, hanging out, isnt going to fucking call me 10 times a day, is going to call every so often to say hello, eats real food none of this no sushi no tomatoe shit I so often meet, has a job, cant have more than 2 cars, unless its 2 cars and a bike- thats ok, needs to like anime, needs to like going on vacation, needs to give me space for school and work and dance, doesnt complain about occasional gallery openings or dance performances that I invite, understands its ok not to have to always be there physically for me. mental support is more than enough. Has to be able to talk. Like art. doesnt mind my obsession with costuming, and various hobbies that involve kimonos or renn faire. Knows who ritchie blackmore is. Eats pasta. Is neater than me. Has no extremely weird family issues. Gets along with my dad and mom. Plays music (see gets along with my dad) Is polite, and well mannered. Their eyes light up to see me. Has similar sexual pleasures as do I, doesnt mind if I chase them a bit, puts up with the overabundance of things I do with my life. Is emotionally stable! Doesnt do drugs. Is independent. Can handle the fact I am independent. Likes eurpoe as much as the Caribbean,but is just as happy driving somewhere pointless for 3 days. Doesnt always need to be around me. Likes video games, but does other things. Is eccentric. I can bring to a corporate function with me. And thats just the start.

think anyone in this world will ever be able to deal with all that shit?

what i want

the world is such a beautiful place and there is so many things to see. And I have to manage to basically see them all in 2 weeks of vacation every year for the next 50 years.

I really want to just go and shoot digital photos and travel all over the place

i wait wanting to hear your voice again
to actually look into your eyes so I can remember
to touch your skin rather than

to learn who you are
rather than imagine
who I think you could be

you have to wonder sometimes why fate brings you were you are going. Why fate brings new things into your life removes old things, and returns things that are forgotten.

I have been contemplating lately- not my existance- but the existance that I am involved in. Why I do the things I do. Why I participate, why I give in to going, when I dont want to. And when I do go, every time I have fun. yet I try and deny myself fun at every given opprotunity.

my mood has been so much better as of the last few days. Work has really sucked, i want to relocate

and i know I am falling for this person that I dont even know.

my day this far

12 to 1 am I think we were at the downtown
somewhere around 1 i got home tried to lie in my bed
felt sick tossed and turned decided I should sleep on the couch if this is going to continue to not wake my family
I think i used AIM at this point because the last thing I remember typing was puke
moved downstairs
started to get shakes and chills
was violently ill from this point forward till somewhere around 4. I think I was also still intoxicated because i remember very disturbed dreams in what little sleep I got mixed with waking thoughts of i am never doing this again and i didnt drink that much I shouldnt be sick
i think around 4 30 I regained some consciousness and felt ok enough to go to my bed where it may be warmer
Moved upstairs tripped made some noise climbed into bed
lay in muddled mix of semi consciousness and pain
got sick again
took shower
laid in bed in towel went to sleep
35 min late to work
yelled at
lectured
pounding headache
made 2 different drs appointments for the shit going on
did some work
did some more work
checked email
and now i am supposedly to go out to lunch
I dont know where my friend is :(

wanna know what's really cool?

when you call for a dr appt and say my blood pressure is 178/119.You know how fast they put you in? They asked if I could come now? When i said i cant come in till this evening and they said 5 15 and I went well I can be there by 4 15- they said perfect we'll see you at 4 15

Its kinda weird because when I needed pain killers because my ankle hurt I couldnt get them. I get high blood pressure and a slight headache they put me in. Go figure. granted I am a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen if enough stress happens.

not there

what I find odd is- the only one thing i actually wanted back wasnt in the bag. One freaking mini dv tape of Buford. thats all.

instead i got
2 mascara
3 eye shadows
1-beaded bracelt
1-handcream i didnt even like
1-book
1- dvd
10 unmentionable items
1 weird skullkeychain that isn't mine and was in the bottom of the bag and uber disturbing

All this shit could have been thrown out. I didnt want this

Do I just give up on it- or do I make a surprise trip and get it bak

pink sun kissed sky glows
paper fallen to the floor
I wait printer still broken

moon streams through window
my face reflected in glass
i wait to leave here

I am getting my stuff back tonight

anyone meeting me at the bedrock be prepared to be my friend tonight. I will probably really need it.

James and I had a what is shana looking for/wants and he asked me a few questions- and it seems all along I knew the answers. Because I had the right equation for me to function just the wrong letters that plugged in.

I honestly think I am one of very few people in the world, or my group that seems to want something that everyone else doesn't-or something we call the same but feel differently and perceive differently. As much as frank was an asshole in the end. The idea of sharing a path with someone was always as I looked at it.

Fate brought someone to walk with next to until our overall paths departed. This is something I understood about frank and I. Something I liked. I am not the type of person to want something that intertwines like I think everyone else I know is looking for. I dont understand that. I understand being 2 separate entities who are pursuing something different or the same and come together on the big issues- not on all the issues. Who live very separte lives but understand each other extremely well. Frank never understood my art-which really bothers me. I dont need someone to fully know what the hell I am attempting at doing-but I do need someone who can communicate in the same vocabulary. Ie:color,light movement- and how they casue or trigger reactions in people because these are the things I see and relate too. I am making my transition into becoming a professional artist- and someone who cant speak to me about my ideas, theories and concepts would be too difficult for me. And its not only just art- but also how I perceive my career- and my goals. And in general who I am and how I live my life.

I dont worry about finding it. I complain and bitch because I am looking for something temporary. Un-serious that I can understand. Something I can relate to. I dont relate to what everyone else seems to. It made sense to me last night while babbling. And I comprehend it now. I need something uncomplicated with a lot of freedom yet the ability to always be there.

The other big thing I realized is how much I love my friends. Like I told raven I'd follow them all to hell and back again. Including Andrew- who I was most reluctant to become friends with yet would back up in any situation.

I need to start working out again.

Ok I have to get dressed i have dance class. And I need sleep -_- zzzz

i am so fat i want to cry

nothing in my closet fits

i have basically stopped drinking i dont eat half the crap i usually eat

and i keep gaining weight

i look f-ing discusting

i cry this time for another reason not all together my own

but what sits on my shoulders
and what I am tired of faking

of what I am tired of doing

I wonder when you stopped looking at me
stopped seeing me as more than a piece of overweight flesh that took up the space you wanted to sleep in

I wonder when I became the "easy friend" the friend you wanted to fuck and that was all.

You never wanted to marry me. I did ask. At least you never lied to me about that.
but you kept me around on my knees with my mouth open

and least I had your mouth open too

I am letting it all go.
All the memories
everything
because right now I still think it was all for nothing

and you won

Your happy with some japanese whore who is younger than your brother. Who probably doesnt do half the things I know that satisfy you. I am sure she never took you. I am sure she never will. I hope you are always bored. I know you will never be sexually satisfied

but for some reason I think she can satisfy your heart I never could do that

I made you who you are. Theres so much you showed me too
and now she has you.

And my bed remains empty

my eyes still swollen
my heart still bleeds

I know you never wanted me as I wanted you.

I think now you never wanted me at all.

And everything you ever said was a lie.

Joe said to me its not what happened in the end that hurts. Its coming to terms with what happened between the beginning and the ends that you know are lies that causes the pain.

i think he is right.

I sent new years eve with 15 of the the closeest people I didnt know. (I knew 2 people in the group) but I had a great time. Pauline and her boyfriend are 2 of the nicest people I will ever meet- and in a very strange way I felt like I was with family. I have never felt so comfortable around new people as I did ;last night. I mean I met a lot of them before at parties and bars and such- but they dont know me.

I think this year will bring much goodness. It didnt start out with my crying whatsoever, and it started out with me meeting new people. I had a good time. Not an amazing time- but one that I can smile about.

I dont remember the first thing I saw wen I left the building tho- i think it was a girl on the cell phone. Is that supposedly to mean watch my cell phone bills?