i feel obligated to post something about this week. but all i can think about right now is where the tissues are because I keep sneezing and my head is all stuffy.

this week was an adventurous week to say the last. I feel I hit a few new mile stones in my life. I actually went out of the house, met up with people i only knew via email managed to go to a party and be myself to an extent that i didn't think was publicly possible, meet exactly what I was looking for, talk to them, and not be shit faced drunk or have a panic attack.

all in all it was excellent.

I will save the major details for a private post for myself but will publicly post more about my experience and emotions/opinions of the situation. For the most part it really isn't anyone business but its a big lifestyle acceptance thing for me that happened I am pleased and wouldn't mind publicly sharing it.

For one, I felt more positive about myself in a lesbian/bisexual/tv environment than I ever had in ANY public social situation.


What is this? I talked to people. I wasn't hesitant to be friendly. I showed off scars from piercing with out a second thought when I got involved in a conversation about nipple piercing. I walked around less than fully clothed proudly where I would have never in my thinnest or best attitude days even been in a wet t-shirt contest in front of a group of straight woman or men.

I spent a lot of time laughing and smiling. The ladies I attended with said I looked like I was having a fun time. I got to be the exhibitionist I am with out a feeling of threat because everyone there was either a exhibitionist or a voyeur and it was expected and ACCEPTED.

I felt proud to be me. And it felt wonderful. I haven't been me in such a public setting before I feel calmly happy. It is a general good feeling of hey I am not a freak and there are a lot of other people out there I can connect with.


I didn't have to drink myself or force myself to be social. I was just naturally social. I was naturally me. I wasn't nervous. And although there was an awkward moment it was only a brief moment. And although at the time I was unable to process everything, and there are moments that seemed surreal while I was experiencing them. Somewhat like an acid trip, I felt detached yet an active participant of the environment. i feel so happy that I can experience this and that it felt so good to be me outside of the 4 walls of our home.

So what have I been doing these past 10 years? Being that my first experience touching another female was more than 10 years ago, why have I had so few situations and have not encountered one in 9 years? What happened when I tried to be societies definition of normal for 6 of those years? Oh wait, I get it now I was unhappy and in an unhealthy, un accepting situation. And long island isn't exactly conducive to a lesbian lifestyle or a lot of bdsm and I was too sheltered to go out an explore these things, and I was in a situation where my then boyfriend was not supportive of me. And I don't think could have handled what I am really like. In some ways I think that part of him would not shocked by the things I do or really enjoy but something tells me he would have never supported me to explore these feelings because in the 6 years i was with him, I never got to. It is necessary to say that if he is reading this that I hope he has grown up and become less judgmental of people now because a lot of his views on sexuality repressed me to the point I was having trouble dealing with them myself and it caused major depression and self doubt.

I was the sucker who allowed someone to make me not be me. Really, it is my fault I stayed in that situation because I was afraid. And I don't blame him.I just wish I would have actually explored myself and left the unhealthy relationship when I was in college. I think I would have been a lot happier had I faced the reality years ago.

It's been a very emotional last 8 months of being open about my actual feelings of being dominant, my sexual preferences and fanaticized. Mostly because I have been afraid of accepting myself. My art work has played a major role and reflection about my emotional term oil. And sadly enough there is one professor in which I could not stand because he kept brining it to my attention and I kept denying it straight to his face. Yes, bondage has been a repetitive theme in my work for a year or so now - but I have used it to represent my repression in my job, maybe I have been using bondage to really represent the repression of myself against societies norm (using my job/career environment really my fears of not being able to accept myself. I spent spring semester making figures that no one understood but it was about my confusion of the both male and female qualities with myself. I don't know about you, but standing in front of 20 professors and starting that HEY I AM SEXUALLY CONFUSED!! I wear a strap on and enjoy it. I like men who wear skirt. I like people tied down. Isn't exactly something you have fully said to yourself except in the privacy of your own thoughts, or when your crying trying to explain everything going on inside your own head. let alone would I say it to a group of people. About 4 months ago I began painting what I wanted to. I would paint as I was to express myself that no other medium would allow me to. Androgynous, figured started to emerge, paintings of large sperm, rope and giant vibrators started to show up in everything. And what is better yet, I would talk about them during crit and not give a fuck what anyone thought about me.

I knew then I was accepting myself.

I don't know if it is that I felt ashamed because of my own preferences. I am obviously bisexual. I am in a healthy, happy, supportive and accepting hetro sexual relationship with justin in which I plan to continue being with and marring in a not so distant future. thankfully he understands me more than anyone I have ever met and doesn't want me to change or hide myself. I didn't think this would ever be possible, but it is.

In some ways I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel liberated.

And i know I can walk into this fall and really make work about these ideas because I can accept myself.

i am excited and nervous about going out tonight. I am meeting up with 2 people before submit in williamsburg. Which will probably be the hardest part of tonight. That and of course getting dressed to go out. I have settled on an outfit which consists of a little longer than knee length vinyal skirt, fishnets with seams up the back my cut enew shoes and a black satin corset- which is a little small but I'll live.

there is a lot of emotional hestation behind all this. But I am a big girl and I'll be fine.And if I dont like it, I can come home.



What sucks is I was going to ask if I can come in late tomorrow but I can not becasue I have a 730 madatory department reorganization meeting. Which will begin STAGE 2 of the bullshit around here.

	Sun, Aug. 1st, 2004 02:32 pm

Category XI - The
Quidnunc

Though you don't fit in, and your social graces are
sometimes lacking, people like you because you
have all the information. Now, who won the
Nobel Peace Prize in 1952?


What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


In this instance I refer to the quote from Albert Einsten which just so happens to be in on my LJ info page. I feel it is most accurate on my feeligns toward friends, or people in general. And that this test's answers are accurate to myself the majority of the time.

Basically it breaks down to I am anti social but good at knowing useless crap.

Again, refer to the concept that I actually had a quote like this availble so readily.

" I have never belonged wholeheartedly to a country, a state, nor to a circle of friends, nor even to my own family.

When I was still a rather precocious young man, I already realized most vividly the futility of the hopes and aspirations that most men pursue throughout their lives.

Well-being and happiness never appeared to me as an absolute aim. I am even inclined to compare such moral aims to the ambitions of a pig. "

i dont think i will be falling back asleep for awhile.

I Am awake crying from a dream.

what is even stranger is I am crying over a donkey that I drempt about.

What is stranger than that is what the cicumstances were around how I obtained the donkey.

Apprently the compnay i was working for had a theromodynamic time travel department that was controlled in combination with phycic control.

Somehow I got involved in the project. And out of work I was testing my abilities in the industrial area of east williamsburg. And I was upset in the dream over something and being upset casued time travel not to happen but displacement of the buidling. Think decontructivism architechture meets salvidore dali. Well somehow in my mishap I had transfered a small donkey but nothing else he was the same ratio of donkey to shrek as the donkey was to me. And I had to carry this small but heavy donkey through this floor that was displaced and I got back to my car and I had multitudes of parking ticketsand the cop also attached a report to it about how I was taking drugs and stealing things from work and breaking things in the industrial park.

I put the hungry donkey in the car took the tickets off the windshiled (3 to be exact and it added up to thousands of dollrs) and drove back to work where I would my mother there waiting. My co-worker was leaving and said i should feed the donkey, but I didnt want anyone to take him from me so I told my mom to wait in the back while I went to get an apple or something. And I couldnt find and apple so I was taking down granola bars to feed him and 2 CIA/FBI guys came in explianing to me that they gave me these tickets becasue they cant have me doing this agian (fuking up these buildings) and they were accusing me of taking a live animal from the time travel and they didnt know where he came from)whenI woke up I realized they ment centry and if he would be carring any disese and I think they wanted to test him to see his molecluer structure and the effects of the time travel was, along with other evil goventment things...) and in my dream my momstarted walking toward them not knowing they were there mostly becasue they donkey was pulling at me to see me.. and I started crying hysterically in the dream screaming please dont take him away from me he's all i have. please dont take him my best friends died and i cant deal with out all this painof losing him.

And for some reason, this is causing me to cry now. Just the thought of the donkey begin taken from me.

this obviously has grater significance if it woke me up from my sleep and i am sitting in the living room typing and crying.