i dont really feel like sitting here bitching, but I have a lot of new issues comming to surface, thanks to my reproductive and hormonal systems.

I finially went back to the gynocologist for my need a refill of bc pills, but i said to him that I am sick of the uncontroalable weight gain and the sharp stabbing pain in my right side. 2 weeks ago i was doubled over at work due to it. Something needs to be done.

So he said soandso will be right in to give you an internal sonogram and she started out and I asked her what we were looking at, and it was the BIG empty canvern of my uterus. And it was followed by my right ovary. Which I could tell was abnormal. She took 2 images and stated, the doctor will be with you in 5 minutes. The left ovary never even got looked at.

The right one, looked black on the screen with the occiasianl normal looking grey matter underneath. From the last angle she took it was completely black.

So my doctor returns, and says you may have something called poly cystic ovary disease. And I said, I know my edrocronologist mentionded this and he asked what the dr was doing about it. And I said he wont do anything until I come off the pill. And my dr said, well i am not going to take you off the pill, and I am going to get you diagnosed while on it. Get some blood work done, and come back in 2 weeks. We'll figure out a plan, but you may need to get surgery. Which isnt the first time he and I talked about removal of some of the cysts on my right side. This has been going on since I have been 18, the week of prom when I had my frist cyst rupture. But there was always a naggingdull-sharp pain on my right side when I look back, I think the first time I expieneced it I was working at Sizzler, which was about 10 years ago.

So, basically I have been walking around with pain knowing this was the problem but it took an excessive amount of weight gain, me getting really high blood pressure, and now to add the high cholestrol for someone to do anything about it. Possibly doing irreversal damage to my body, including my joints, my heart and the discusting strech marks that cover my thighs and hips.

What is stressing me to no end, is that I am just tired of all this hard work and no weight loss. I know it is not my fault. But it doesnt matter, I still feel as if I am doing something wrong becasue it is my body. I know that you tried to make me feel better but I wish you understood that sometimes, it only stop my tears long enough to fall asleep but they do return this morning. I cant blame myself for everything but when this has been going on for years, you cant help but feel as if you could just eat a little less, and just work out more, or one of any numerous thoughts, that you wouldnt be such a fat person. That you wouldnt hate the body you have striggled against these last 5 years only to have it get worse every time you try on new clothes, or get on the scale.

I dont understand why i can not just like my physical appearence. I have been dealing with extreme weight loss nd weight gain since I was 18. Yet, I still hate it. Yet I still hate the rolls that sit on me. And what I used to think was fat when I first started down this jounrey at a size 5, I can only dream about being. And then I became a 3 again. Only by age 20 to hit a 5, then a 7, and when I was 22 I took it all off and became a 1 again. I was thin, I liked my body. And then I got sick, and became a 7 again all in 5 months. That 7 turned into a 9 and I stayed there for about a year, and now, I have been a 14 and pushing out of it to the point that a 14 doesnt really fit. None of the things my mother bought me all size 14, fit. They dont even fit over my legs.

I feel discusting and all i want it my sweat pants and my bed.

i think my early morning awakeness annoys justin. We are leaving to go visit family in ohio so i set the alam for about 515, hoped out of bed, got showered, dressed and finished packing all in 15 minutes. I am up everyday by 6 am, and out thedoor by quater after. So, to me, I function when I need to as soon as I roll out of bed even if i go to sleep well after midnight.

Last night we were having loud sex. Not really loud sex, but loud enough because we have been the only people in the house for the last month. However, I was being the bottom part of my switch half, and begging for more, and well,someone was doing laundry in the foyer next to our bedroom. Embaressed. I'll get over it soon enough, but I have only met these people 2 or 3 times and they are nw my landlords, and having loud kinky sex isnt in my bag for just meeting people I have a business arrangement with. Even when you look at it purely from the actual arrangement if you break it down to the reasons why people are in relationships: We pay you money so we can live together and fuck when ever we want.

For the idiots reading my journal thinking that relationships are all about sex. There is more to them yes, but purely speaking from the human bodies desire to be a fucking machine and spit out babies, when it breaks down to it, whether you want a child or not, your body is stirving to produce them.


He's been in the showe almost 20 minutes. I need to motovate him.