I am at a point in my life where I have determined that if you can not accept me, and like me for who I am- I am done with dealing with you.

This includes my family, especially people who say one thing to your face and another behind your back.

Over the past weekend, I took a car trip with my mom to see her parents (the people who I spent about 8 years of my life living with). These people have created a monster of an Aunt (who steals money, identity and has 3 children who appear to be screwed up- one with acceptance, another with laziness, and the last has some learning challenges but is a sweet kid who continues to get into trouble)

These said people, have milked my grandparents for all their worth. Yet, my Grandma continues to sign praises of their love and perfection. All while she pays for their homes, school, cars and god knows what else. I have never directly asked for money, but about 2 years ago my grandma sent me 3K to help me buy supplies and pay bills during graduate school. Sure she has provided money for me throughout time, but I have never asked her to do so, nor have I asked her to co sign on any one of my 70K worth of student loans or car debt. I have never alluded to financial issues and always felt they have over supplied my other relatives with money- while I am over looked. Because not only am I too proud to ask for help, but feel that after a certain age and level of involvement with a significant other- financial independence is necessary for maturity. Sure my parents helped me pay off my car last year, but I didn't ask, and sure they are bringing me to Italy in 3 weeks- but that too was a gift. I was never spoiled as a child and have worked a minimum of 30 hours a week since I have been 15. They never had it to give, so I never asked.

meanwhile, I have done nothing but try to be supportive of my grandparents aging issues, hep my mother with the transitions, visit them every couple of months and call almost daily. Including things like finding their dog when it ran away (all from the comfort of my home in NY- which thankfully is very far away from those people in Ohio)

so upon arrival of the visit, every time my mom leaves the room my grandmother talks about nothing except who perfect my aunt is (all while she never offered to help find the dog, inform anyone of its missing status, or do a million other things I would consider normal for a grown kid or grandkid to help 80 year old parents with such as:mowing lawn, going to the super market, helping replace the carpet in the bedroom where my grandfather fell down and bled all over the floor) no in fact, we drove over 400 miles to assist with these tasks- and yet every chance she had she said how great those people are. And every chance she had she did nothing but say how fat I was.

And finally 20 hours into our stay, I called her a fucking bitch and walked out of the house. I just am done dealing with the drama, the manipulation and hatered she makes me feel both toward her, other family members and the self doubt she plants into my very soul. Because the people who have no choice but to accept you don't- and I just think that is a bunch of shit.

So to leave out a lot of other details of the drama- it has come to the conclusion that the woman who wanted to battle my mom and dad for custody when I was 8, has not changed, but only gotten worse. And I can't imagine ever being like her, nor spending more than 45 minutes with her during a superficial meal or exchanges of polite hellos. I no longer want her to know me, or me to know her. Because what I have finally realized is I don't have to like her, I accept her for what she is and I no longer have to involve myself with her or my Aunt.

sunburn and turtles

yeah, this week was painful on so many levels. the sunburn, the stomach pain from the percocet, the headache aftermath was even worse. But after about 25 hours of sleep in less than 36 hours- I am feeling better. Still a little pukey- but much better.

I would like to think the pain in the last 100 hours was worth it swimming with sea turtles and floating in the ocean. But I am not so sure. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed every minute of the ocean thing (except my sea sickness) and being in the water is always so wonderful. But it has lead me to fear the sun like a 16 year old goth girl.

The last few days have also inspired me to do as little work as possible while at work. I can't concentrate for all that long at one stretch and I still have a small amount of confusion. I am hoping that a calm and low-key weekend will center me. That and some yoga.

I think I mostly want to do to yoga.

somethings are just hot

Led Zeppelin has always been one of my favorite bands. i dont think this is actually better than Led Zeppelin- but what I do think is that Lez Zeppelin is hot. All chicks, playing covers of my favorite songs?

What's even hotter? Forgetting about them for a long time and stumbling across the fact they are playing this weekend in the city.Getting to see them this weekend is gonna make my day, or weekend rather.

insert catch phase

well no AZ for us this July but we are headed to sunny, and 60* Norther Cali where we are going to hike, visit aquariums and hopefully get there within the next 12 hours. It's been a long uncertain few days about where we are going and if we can get there- Alas,I think I found a way

I'll be posting from the road- I am bringing the camera cable and most of the places I think we are staying have wi-fi.

Notice I said think, we only have hotels books for tonight when we land and tomorrow when we drive south. Who knows where we will end up or when we are getting back. We both have 8 days until we have to be back at work- and it should all be fun!

See you soon.
<3 me

bull by the horns

I have finally gotten around to bringing over my old posts. Not that I have the time to be working on it today, but I at least downloaded all my LJ posts from 2001-2007.

For your viewing pleasure you can now access my entires from May 2001- January 2003.

Looking at all these posts has me thinking about who I am and what I wanted back then to what I have now.

I have taken the bull by the horns and am living life. So many of the dreams I had, I am living- thanks to all the hard work I put into everything and the amazing people around me supporting, caring and loving me.

There are a lot of entries that stood out. Yet, what stood out as a whole is how much more I wrote. Not just silly, daily posts and memes- but that I wrote heartfelt, deep, miserable topics. To be young and miserable is to be able to recognize love and happiness later. Part of me, misses the inner torment, the avoidance of self through many bottles. I do not want to go back there- but I really cherish those times and wish I spent more time living in that state during my early 20's.

damn the bakery...

germs have taken my vagina hostage!

so I am in the battle between the yeast and my flora and fauna of the delecate nether regions. This is the 3rd round of treatment in 8 weeks. It just sucks.

anti-stink

i wish there was something that I could spay to make the smell of people's perfume vanish. I know people wear it becasue it makes them feel good, but it fucking makes me feel like shit and bitchy.

I dont think people should be able to wear it to work. I AM HARASSED BY IT. I have a chemical allergy to make of the things in it.