shopping trip

tonight for celebration zunidyer and i will be shopping or browsing at our favorite fetish stores. which translates to, I will not eat much all day so i can eat tonight and stil look hot in latex. she's creating a monster with the latex.

i gave my 2 weeks notice yesterday. it came to a shock of the obivious department director and to many co workers (some of which said - what took you so long) knowing i was miserable probably helped. but when you have been in a job for 3 and a half years (about) leaving always comes as a suprise to people. the shock of me leaving will be the big ol box of my pictures/cds i take today. and the real shock will come when i am not there to deal with all the projects my manager never knew passed by my desk. because i am efficant and can multitask-meaning- i do things for people with out mentioning itso the count down is on. I have 9 days left to work.

Obviously i wasnt walked out as most people are. but the 2 weeks is still young and i get to meet with HR and the director today/tomorrow over "why i am leaving"

job rants

(series of combined posts between May-July 2005)

july 28
i gave my 2 weeks notice yesterday. it came to a shock of the obivious department director and to many co workers (some of which said - what took you so long) knowing i was miserable probably helped. but when you have been in a job for 3 and a half years (about) leaving always comes as a suprise to people. the shock of me leaving will be the big ol box of my pictures/cds i take today. and the real shock will come when i am not there to deal with all the projects my manager never knew passed by my desk. because i am efficant and can multitask-meaning- i do things for people with out mentioning itso the count down is on. I have 9 days left to work.


july 24
I hope i get to give notice by wednesday.
i also hope I am escorted out when i quit.
but becasue i want to be, I wont.

july 9th
this weeks update:
interview: went well. they called the next day to schedule interview number 2. 3 positions with the same title are open. want to start counting the chickens, but am resisting it.

I REALLY WANT THE JOB!!! lets hope they can work out a bit more money

show: was funny. lost a wig. other than that I did ok needs some work

work: you know the shity job
i wanted to just walk out of this week. hopefully i can do that next week. 3+ years of being there and all i want to do is piss my boss of and respond with "ok fine your way is perfect too bad I wont be here to see it, consider this my notice" (middle finger goes up and i leave)or fuck off and walking out might be nice

work: doing photoshoot of band today. I hate this. i was ropped in becasue it is family. I did all there design work and the base design for the web page (although they thankfully hired someone else to dothe actual webdesign and backend) i kinda branded all of it. which means i am stuck directing the photoshoot which i do not want to do. especially after the week @ work i had.

cancun: the last week in october. booked a prepaid hotel package so when (and if) i get the new job i can say: well, I already have a vacation planned this week. I can change it if need be but I would perfer to still take it and i know it would be unpaid...


july 12th
pysco bitches comment of the day
"had you been here Friday afternoon I would have fired you."so yesterday I received my first letter of probation. The "warning letter" which is emailed.

The next letter I will receive will be written and I will need to sign it. The following letter will be termination. how many of you think I can get fired before I find a new job?! After her behavior yesterday, I called in sick today. She physically made me ill yesterday afternoon, much of which I spent in the potty dealing with being ill. I can not work like this anymore.

I have calculated quitting to give my notice even if I do not get a new job on Wednesday july 20. Which would put my 2 weeks termination day (even if I am escorted out) on Aug 3rd, Giving me one month to find new employment with my ass still having health care.But, hopefully, as of this afternoon, I will know if I will be starting a new job. ---

about 20 times between these 2 events: I really hope i get this job i am interviewing for.

JULY 20 2005 5:21 AM
i think no one talking to me at work might be a good thing. I got pissed off for someone saying to my boss that all i do is check my email and book vacations. Just because i am not loud about all the work I do, doesnt mean I do not do work. If anything I am far more productive than most people imagine. I not only handle their mundane admin duties of grading tests and phones but I usually manage to deal with my own work of slides, binders, talking to vendors, ordering materials, making weekly newsletter mailings, website development, color correction, diploma making and god knows what else.

Oh yeah, fixing other peoples computers because our IT department is slow and I am right there to fix it. Its a one hand washes the other relationship. I deal with stupid issues if i need upgrades or want to borrow a projector for the weekend, it is never a problem.

Backstabbing bitch=coworker loudmouth late 30s 3 year old kid, obviously not getting laid, terrified and insulting of homosexuals, insulting of people who are in poly relationships, insulting of anything she doesnt understand. Likes to tell physco bitch boss lady everything that happens in the office. or could be happening. so if you want something to get back to PBBL- you mention it to BSB. Apparently, I did something worng at work. Conversation is as follows : PBBL-"one of your co workers mentions that you look for jobs at work and check your email" me (thought to self... hmmm I dont look for anything but transfers while I am at work, I also dont really check email all that often.. but the only person who might see that is the person who sits next to me.. ohhh BSB!!

i respond with "well maybe if you going to punish me, you should punish everyone. I guess others shouldnt be doing things like ordering off ebay for their daughters birthday party, and buying childrens clothes (FYI BSB is the only one with a kid in our area..)

So BSB always asks me for favors. Like finding stuff on the Internet for her kid, or her niece or printing out pictures. None of which i have a problem with doing, but as I mentioned before. One hand washes the other- ie: me and the boys in IT. She doesnt realize that I too can be a bitch. so all the manipulation of the BSB co worker on the boss turns against her.

I treat people at work in one way.

I evaluate their position if we were in a power play BDSM situation. I top the boss from the bottom. Same with BSB. but i play it differently. I am enjoying playing them against one another now- something i havent tried. PSBL is now really nice to meso the coworkers decide they all want to wear uniforms to work. and they decide to all secretly coordinate company tshirts and beige pants for yesterday. I wanst told because well I am not apart of the team. But I found out about it before hand. So I wore a suit. So when they all looked like comp usa workers I looked professional. It was noticed by the director. I scored points. I then spent part of my afternoon talking with him about what the specs of the studio we are building are going to be.


When I quit I will enjoy it.

2.23.2005
-breathe-
its only a job. sometimes, it just feels awful. and today being here, is one of those days, again.

i know i find meaning in everything else i do but after driving an hour only to feel worthless it isnt the most enjoyable feeling.

enneagram

You are most likely a type 4 (the Individualist) with 3 wingSexual variant

I took 3 different versions of the test and it all resulted in the same. Although the type 5 wing was only .4 behind in the actual ranking. I am a bit of both I guess. I often feel torn between career sucess and artistic happiness. This basically would explain it

Type Four - The IndividualistProfile by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson - The Enneagram Institute

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Intuitive, Expressive, Self-Absorbed, and Depressive

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)The Four with a

Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"The Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Potential Neuroses: Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic Personality DisordersKey Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer".

HealthySelf-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate. Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

At Their Best: Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating—able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Average
Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination. To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy
When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function. Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them. Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.Wings by Thomas Condon - The Changeworks

Four With a 3 Wing
Fours with a 3 wing can sometimes seem like Sevens. May be outgoing, have a sense of humor and style. Prize being both creative and effective in the world. Both intuitive and ambitious; may have good imaginations, often talented. Some are colorful, fancy dressers, make a distinct impression. Self-knowledge combines well with social and organizational skills. When more entranced, often have a public/private split. Could conceal feelings in public then go home to loneliness. Or they could enjoy their work and be dissatisfied in love. Tendency towards melodrama and flamboyance; true feelings can often be hidden. Competitive, sneaky, aware of how they look. Some have bad taste. May be fickle in love, drawn to romantic images that they have projected onto others. Could have a dull spouse, then fantasize about glamorous strangers. Achievements can be tainted by jealousy, revenge, or a desire to prove the crowd wrong.

Four With a 5 Wing
Healthy side of this wing brings a withdrawn, complex creativity. May be somewhat intellectual but have exceptional depth of feeling and insight. Very much their own person; original and idiosyncratic. Have a spiritual and aesthetic openness. Will find multiple levels of meaning to most events. May have a strong need and ability to pour themselves into artistic creations. Loners; can seem enigmatic and hard to read. Externally reserved and internally resonant. When they open up it can be sudden and total. When entranced or defensive, Fours with a 5 wing can easily feel alienated and depressed. Many have a sense of not belonging, of being from another planet. Can get lost in their own process, drown in their own ocean. Whiny - tend to ruminate and relive past experience. Prone to the emotion of shame. Air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment. May live within a private mythology of pain and loss. Can get deeply morbid and fall in love with death.

Instinctual Variants by Thomas Condon - The Changeworks
Self-Preservation
People with this theme are often advocates of risk. Can be reckless, court disaster or just flirt lightly with loss. Take chances to stir up emotional intensity, play out melodrama or to get attention. Can have a desire to punish other through hurting themselves. The logic is, "If I die then they'll be sorry and finally appreciate me." Can seem like counterphobic Sixes in their behavior. With a 3 wing this subtype is more flamboyant and makes a show of their daring. With a 5 wing they grow more sullen and self-punishing.

Intimate
Fours with this theme tend to be highly competitive in close relationships but also more generally. With a mate they are prone to jealousy. Want to be the most important person in mate's life. Could be jealous of a partner's past relationships, maybe want to be the only person the partner has ever loved. Related to the dependent side of 2. More broadly can be consumed by professional envy. Long to best others in their work. Can jealously measure their contributions. Petty about keeping score. Want recognition for their uniqueness. Take away from successes of others when threatened.

Social
Prone to shame because they compare themselves with the "normal" world around them. Can be highly self-critical and feel ashamed for their deviance from imagined group norms. Sensitive to criticism. May romanticize their defects but feel bad about themselves anyway. If they have a 3 wing, may cover their shame with charm. Can also seek status or be driven to achieve to get revenge against those who once laughed at them. With a 5 wing, can grow antisocial and depressed, bearing their shame in solitude.

Enneagram Type and Wing

Love focused types Security focused types In between
1w2, 2w3, 2w1, 3w2, 3w4, 4w3, 4w5 6w5, 6w7, 7w6, 7w8, 8w7, 8w9, 9w8 1w9, 9w1, 5w4, 5w6

Type Focuses more on Primary Behavior Secondary Behavior

1w9 attracting love + acquiring power perfectionism calm and peacefulness
1w2 attracting love perfectionism helpful / caretaking
2w1 attracting love helpful / caretaking perfectionism2w3 attracting love helpful / caretaking achievement / success
3w2 attracting love achievement / success helpful / caretaking3w4 attracting love achievement / success self definition / self awareness
4w3 attracting love self definition / self awareness achievement / success
4w5 attracting love self definition / self awareness objective/intellectual
5w4 attracting love + acquiring power objective / intellectual self definition / self awareness
5w6 acquiring power + attracting love objective / intellectual loyalty / suspicion
6w5 acquiring power loyalty / suspicion objective / intellectual6w7 acquiring power loyalty / suspicion energetic and fun7w6 acquiring power energetic and fun loyalty / suspicion
7w8 acquiring power energetic and fun control / intimidation
8w7 acquiring power control / intimidation energetic and fun
8w9 acquiring power control / intimidation calm and peacefulness
9w8 acquiring power calm and peacefulness control / intimidation9w1 acquiring power + attracting love calm and peacefulness perfectionismtext version

Head types Instinct types In between
3w4, 4w3, 4w5, 5w4, 5w6, 6w5, 6w7, 7w6 2w3, 2w1, 1w2, 1w9, 9w1, 9w8, 8w9, 8w7 3w2, 7w8-------------------------------------
Type 1 - orderly, fastidious, stiff
Type 2 - caring, considerate, loving
Type 3 - entertaining, accomplished, committed
Type 4 - artistic, melodramatic, soulful
Type 5 - philosophical, intellectual, innovative
Type 6 - cynical, neurotic, cautiousType 7 - fun loving, energetic, daring
Type 8 - confrontational, tough, unyielding
Type9 - calming, peace loving, even tempered

http://similarminds.com/desc.html
http://www.9types.com/type4board/wwwboard.actual.html
http://www.9types.com/type4board/

http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/type4.htm


http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type4.php



http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/typeFour.asp