it feels..

i often do not have time to write the words down that surface in my head throughout the day. when i have moments of unclouded thought, or seconds of something i wish i could say at that moment. grounded feelings of fleeting poetic words i never say. i am alone, on a train, feet planted firmly on the moving ground speeding ahead many miles per hour. i think of how better to express moments, or life times of emotion, and thought. i sometimes imagine myself painting feelings that have no words, paintings I have only started in my mind.

as are the words of that which follows.
small flickering flames, our souls alone. crowded against each other, yet the light in the tunnel remains as dark as if i stood there, alone. the shadows on the wall dance as the current of air flows through the room. millions upon millions of shadows. the movement of the dance performed in forests, caves, parlor rooms, orchards, streets, brothels, and homes; eons of endless flames glowing in the darkness.looking for a flame that matches it in intensity to intertwine and glow brighter, warmer, and stronger.

I will tell you what happens when 2 flames unite. the dance of the shadows diminish, the darkness is not as cold or alone as it once was. and all you prey and hope for is that warm flame of unity stays with you, never moving too far away to always protect, nurture, love and unconditionally as you do the same.

twas the morning 1 night before the night before christmas

and we have mass transit again!

the strike affected me in two ways .
1. it made justin cranky and extra tired when he got home after a 3 mile each way walk over the cold bridge
2. it made me cranky because traffic was a nightmare. and getting out of our 'hood was long and slow in the mornings with all the bridge traffic.

and I am scheduled to receive the following package today (at work, and I am working from home, so i either have to wait until wed to pick it up- or run in tomorrow on the way to my family)

I get sidetracked so quickly when i start looking at latex. I forgot I was even posting in here.

aside from the strike, it has been a pretty quiet week. I have been busy with buying christmas gifts, and working. There have been tons of little things I have been trying to get done, things that always seem to slip by my fingers. or things that someone was going to wrap up doing and never did. so this week and next week are about closure of small tasks, including our apartment. Monday I took off to try to finish unpacking and cleaning the house. We have 2 boxes left, a desk to assemble, and 2 glass cabinets to put together. I just dont know where to actually put them.
But i would like 1 to be put together so I am able to move my dishes from the high cabinet into something I can reach easier. I am sure at some point this weekend we will work on it.

i started acupuncture treatments for my back pain a few days ago. I am so glad it helps and takes some of the pain away. It is temporary relief hopefully it will start getting longer as i continue going.

in jan or feb i am considering joining the training group at work for marathons. I know I am not the most athletic person, but i think i may enjoy the group aspect of it along with helping me get into a workout schedule. i may even go join the gym again next week. i wonder if they are running a special. hmm

anyway, i need to go wrap a few gifts while i have the living room to myself. I promise one of these days I will post pictures of our new place!




I

at home rituals

every morning before i actually do anything
1. I shop for latex on ebay. i make sure no auctions are ending during the day that i want. I make sure I know every new peice listed.

2. I shop on ebay for a table. A specific 1950's 4 chair, table rectangle with a leaf which would open to between 48 and 52 inches. I want white Formica, chrome sides and 4 chairs. I want the chairs in red and white cracked ice. I would also take a red Formica topped table or a table with the Formica shapes cut into it, such as apples or flowers. pink wasnt common on the tables. Red, yellow white and green. In that order you see the tables listed. The past 2 weeks the lead has been yellow.
And I just dont want a yellow table in my kitchen.

So since my internet addiction began, there has always been things I MUST do before the day begins. The de-evolution has been:

1950's chrome table, blogs, latex clothing/parties, apartment, cancun job, fetish parties, apartments, veiques, purto rico, vacation spots, suicide girls, burlesque, jobs, woman to sleep with, myspace, apartments, blogs, looking for new friends, woman to sleep with, apartments, vacations, justin (blog/letters/misc info), belly dance, boys to sleep with, music, boys to sleep with, anime, kimono to buy, japanese culture, lesbianism/bisexuality, MUDS/online role play, anime, chat, role play

justin refers to it as my shopping/gathering mode. I think of it as hunting. I dont really need to buy or own these things as much as I like to look for them. If i find them, I buy and stop what I am looking for, unless of course it becomes a collecting situation like latex and kimono.

its fixin' to be a big storm on thursday into friday. which is discouraging since a good friend will be traveling from seattle back to ny for our office holiday party. (our job is so welcoming it even has employees back to celebrate!) I will be busy tonight and tomorrow working on baking for the event. And then friday night I have some shopping to get done if the MTA is not on strike.




I WANT THESE

day 3 of being an elf

So my elfness started on Friday evening, as I mentioned I attend a cocktail party at the baroness on friday. This party sucked me into a saturday afternoon of making christmas tree stocks (like stockades which bad people go to be punished!) in the basement of a latex clothing design studio. sunday, i spent much of the day getting ready to go be the cutest and meanest elf ever!

sunday evening i took the bus over to the east village (yes, i took a bus, all by myself!) and met the other elves and the bondage reindeerette to get dressed and ready to go revolt against santa! it was fun being apart of an event rather than an attendee. Although it caused me some stress. I am not used to having tasks and responsibilities and others relying on me during non-work hours.

the reindeerette kept us elves in order decorating and setting up the bar before the baroness got there and put us to work! being an elf is hard and i made sure the reindeer and the mrs claus look alike knew how mad i was about bein' over worked and not enough pay! and then i was a bad elf and dropped mistress dante's paddle and was punished by having to punish santa! haha!!

I will link to more pictures after they are uploaded to the baroness' site










you can see the full outfit of me on the right. anyway, within 3 hours after the evening ended i was in a cab in the way to orlando to be an elf at a volunteer holiday party for some kids in a shelter. which was just as fun and even more rewarding in a whole different way! then by 6 pm i was on a plane back to NY to beat the snow (btw, where is that snow??!!) and at 11 pm finally after 2 nights, asleep in our bed and snuggled next to j so warmly. it was perfect. so day 3 of being and elf, will be tonight, when we put our pretty star covered tree and decorate the house! YAY!!

sleeping in a winter wonder land

the other day i realized, for as long as I can remember we always get a really bad winter storm around the 5th of December. I only know this becasue I HATE driving in the snow, so i always cut class and stayed home, or called in sick to work, or even blown off holiday parties. And it is usually the 5th, sometimes the 4th. I did not think anything of it in the last day or so. Until, I woke up this morning, in this early dawn and the white roofs and trees were in my vision.

I always love waking up early to see the sidewalks and streets with out many tracks in it. In brooklyn on a sunday 6 am it is still tracked through, but it doesnt matter.

the snow makes everything look to peaceful and still. and in my heart and mind it is like moment of purity

I can not wait to get up and go out for breakfast and walk in the snow. If it were up to me, I would get out of my pjs now and go for a walk and enjoy the silence. i would rather walk alone, at night in the snow, or hand in hand with j with out talking. just the sound of our feet in the pure innocence of the freshly fallen layer of snow.

post 1.

why another blog?

So I can stop using a combination of live journal and suicide girls to write about my actual life. I write about my G rated life for my family somewhere, and I write in 2 different journals about my PG 13-R rated daily life and I even have something out there in the world of electronic pulses an X rated blog. That's 4 blogs. This one makes it 5. But I am trying to leave LJ after 5 years (wow) I will be bringing over slowly all the posts from there to here that actually say something decent. And I am somewhat tired of paying 4.95 a month for pictures of girls who are not so attractive to stay in touch with a handful of people. Those people will just have to start reading me else where. And that is here.

So the word procuratio and its meaning.
Latin for proxy.

defining proxy as: the agency, function, or office of a deputy who acts as a substitute for another

I often i have the assignment of "by proxy" daily i sign off on things behalf of others for print jobs, and oddly last night my friend, almost an ex of a sort, made a joke. That I am "owner by proxy" meaning, when her owner is not there, I have to make sure his wishes are followed. IE: curfews, money being spent correctly, drinking level. It was a joke, but in someways, it is real. She, a submissive girl by nature is my friend. And if her boyfriend, affectionately known as owner, has a rule she needs to follow I often remind her of those rules. Not in a sexual way but in a make sure she is mindful of her position (those not in this world reading this-sorry for the explanation) So in the cold walk to a cocktail party at a latex shop she mentioned curfew and I laughed and somehow "owner by poxy" was mentioned, and after an odd night, and a good night of sleep, I realized, that I am by proxy many things.

and in some ways, this too is my life in text, meaning my life by proxy of words.

This journal will be far more interesting than my G rated journal some of you read. It will include some daily activities, and thoughts but also a bit more of me. A non-censored thought and activity log. A, if you will, place where I can let my hair down. A place where you may enjoy coming because it is truly my daily self. And, that is why we are friends, and that is why you talk with me. ---i woke up yesterday, went to work. Hammered through a lesson plan, packed up my messenger bag full of stuff that needs to travel with me to florida, and began my night. My black patent leather corset came in, so off to my favorite shop we went. I enjoy going there a lot. As I have become a regular there since I began my trips to that spot in Chelsea almost 2 years ago. My friend , J, met me there, and I tried on the custom made piece, and she somehow laced my bloated self into the thick material and I was please with my new clothing item!We ended up just hanging out in the store comparing dating, life and sex woes and hurrahs for about 2 hours. As we were running late, we packed up my bag with my beautiful new corset and left! and the next thing i new i was in a latex elf costume, drinking a cocktail, committing to the insanity of making cardboard Christmas tree stockades and attending the baroness fetish retinue on Sunday as an elf, with none other than my friend,(mentioned above) the bondage reindeer. A weekend full of fun!----I ordered some pants off ebay. i have had a lot of issues regarding these pants. In the body of the paypal message it said SHIP TO and listed my work address. And she shipped to the place in automatic shipping (which sucks bad because I no longer live there, actually i haven't lived there in a year and a half) and the place is awful. The pants will never be delivered. they will be dropped off in the lobby of the loft building and stolen. I emailed her this morning to say hi, you needed to ship to the place listed in the body of the emailDo people not read messages anymore. I also did not have that place listed as default so I am not sure how it got selected. I am kinda annoyed at my self, and really annoyed at paypal. Since pay pal charged me 2 times for the pants and I had to wait for a refund.At this rate I will never see these pants. And I paid 100 bucks for nothing Is the refunded paypal message actually listed the right address. The one that listed the wrong address was the one she didn't refund. So what looks like happened was Paypal submitted the payment before I had completed filling out the form but I had never gotten a message saying Payment sent or anything when I was doing this. but USPS might save the day!I went online and did a change of address form from the old place to our new place for my name and the old address starting today!maybe i am smarter than the average bear